Mind Your Mouths And Your Manners
My friend, Raellen, is a pretty great person. Nice, funny and smart. She also hosts amazing book clubs, which you can read about here. [image error] I know her from my Temple, which is going through a rough patch right now. People are saying things they probably will regret and because of the ease and distance of the Internet, a lot of those messages are being sent via email.
Anyway, she is also a friend of mine on Facebook and posted a thought-provoking comment on her page. I'm going to reproduce it here: Years ago, during a discussion about personalities, etc within a church community, a wise friend remarked, "people get so caught up in 'church work' that they forget about the work of the church." Although this discussion was directed at one community in particular, I've since seen this exact problem affect many other communities, including my synagogue. It seems to me that we all should remember the reasons we have joined our particular faith community. Sure, perhaps we might do things differently, or we may disagree with our clergy or lay leaders, but we should be supportive of one another. We should build folks up, treat them with respect, not try to force our own issues onto an entire community and cause derision.
Her status update has been liked, commented on and shared multiple times and it got me to thinking. So many of our arguments—both good and bad—are removed from the presence of people and put on the Internet. They start with a discussion between people, face to face. And whether it's because people want the time to think their argument through, or the anonymity of the Internet, the arguments spill over to emails and Facebook messages. They get passed around, distorted and in some cases, publicly ridiculed.
The Internet makes it so easy to do this. Even on my blog, it's so much easier to write something on a computer screen then to say something to someone in person. It's a lot easier to be witty when I can craft the sentences and work on the timing, rather than having to do it in a split second. I'm horrible at comebacks in person, but give me a keyboard and some time and I'm pretty darn good.
The upside to that is that I can hit the delete button. I can take the time to think about whether or not to put my words out there. The downside is that it is so much easier to speak your mind when you don't have to look at the person you're speaking to; you don't have to see the hurt in their eyes or the blush on their face. We don't have to contend with the social cues that tell us when we've gone too far. Even nice things are easier to say in writing.
I love Raellen's comment and I'm glad she posted it on Facebook. In point of fact, it's not that much different from a conversation she had with me in person, so I want to be clear that I'm not saying she shouldn't have done it. Out of all the emails and comments I've seen posted this past week, hers is the one I wish EVERYONE would post. And then, after posting, think about, take to heart and maybe live.
It's the nasty ones I'm talking about. Words can't be taken back. Once they're spoken, or posted on the Internet or in emails or wherever, they're out there. There's an old Jewish story that's told about the harm words can cause. I'm going to mess it up, but it has to do with comparing words to the wind or maybe feathers that are contained and then released. Just like the wind or feathers released from their container, once words are spoken, there's no way to get them all back. There's no way to undo the damage completely.
The Internet and email just makes it easier to say these things without taking responsibility for them. And if we don't have to assume responsibility for our rudeness, then we're basically giving each other permission to be as awful as we want.
In closing, I'm linking to "The Nicest Place on the Internet." I'm not sure I buy this, or the benefit of it. I'm not sure I don't think it's cheesy. But after the past week or so that my friends and I have suffered through, I'll take all the help I can get.
