Celaena Sardothien, you daft bint.

Celaena, you daft bint. You were supposed to play stupid, not be stupid. There's a murderer loose in the castle, people are dropping dead in the hallways, so what do you do? Eat random candy that somebody left on your bed.

You've got to get into shape asap. So you stay up all night reading, because sleep is for the weak. You're not competing against a kindergarten class, for heaven's sake. You're going up against two dozen men, half of them veteran soldiers.

The plan was to play the silly girl so they'd underestimate you and fight each other until there was only one opponent left. So you throw knives into the bull's eye one after another, because that'll totally make them underestimate you. You race the guys and stay in the middle of the pack like a weak little jewel thief. You're lucky that those two dozen thugs are are even dumber and more self-centred than you are. If any of them had an IQ higher than their age, they'd notice that a woman keeping up with the pack in a men's race is actually pretty impressive. Way too fast for a silly jewel thief. Which means that whoever thought up that cover story was way too dumb for the game.

Was it Prince Dorian or his Captain of the Guard? Can't remember. Can't tell them apart. Couldn't care less which of the two you end up kissing.

Bechdel test: Are there at least two female characters who have at least one conversation that's not about men? Yeah. You're meeting the princess of Eyllwe, who might or might not be leading a band of rebels. This woman could help you. She could be a powerful ally or a powerful enemy. You could both be dropping hints and double meanings, testing how much the other knows without giving away too much about yourselves. Instead, you talk about clothes. Clothes. You daft bint.

Of course it's not your fault. Your author seems to believe that a peabrained show-off would make a great assassin as long as she can fight. When has the best assassin ever been a fighter? The best assassin cuts people's throats before they notice. If the victim fights back, you fucked up.

Your sincerely
Chrisitna Widmann de Fran