Contract for Book Purchase?

Close on the heels of this week's clusterfuck at DA comes another WTF moment from Insane Hussein -- a Contract for Book Review.



Ooh, do you suppose we authors could make readers sign a contract like this when they buy our stories? Let's see, how could we make that look? What kind of restrictions could we possibly impose on the purchase of our books?



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Contract for Book Purchase




In exchange for the opportunity to purchase Author's book, Reader agrees to:




1. Read Book in its entirety, immediately, if not sooner.



2. Check any preconceived notions of what makes writing "good" at the title page; ignore any technical deficiencies or inconsistencies, including, but not limited to, grammar, usage, syntax, spelling, and formatting; and not allow small details like plot, characterization, motivation, pacing, setting, historical inaccuracies, anachronisms, world-building, or flow of text to impede his/her enjoyment of Book.




3. Email Author with effusive thanks for having written such a brilliant Book. Reader will follow up with periodic reminders of Author's brilliance and enquiries about Author's upcoming releases.




4. Rave about Book to a minimum of 10 friends in person or via email.




5. Buy every other available edition of Book in every format and language.




6. Join Author's fan club and Yahoo group, and/or sign up to receive Author's newsletter. In the event Author has none of the preceding, Reader agrees to start and maintain at least one of them.




7. Post at least five stars (more where available) and a glowing 200-word review free of criticism, constructive or otherwise, on every book etailer website, and to publicize said review on all major social networks. In the unlikely event s/he doesn't belong to at least five social networks, Reader agrees to remedy such deficiency immediately, if not sooner, and friend and/or follow Author.




8. Attend every book signing at which Author appears within a 500 mile radius of Reader's home; encourage a long line at Author's table by standing there long enough to make other attendees think Author is Someone Special; and have Author autograph a publicity photograph of Author, which Reader will have obtained independently in advance of the signing.




Upon receiving said autograph, Reader will squee conspicuously, race home, post a scanned copy of autographed photo on all social networks, and then have it matted, framed, and hung with appropriately dramatic lighting in a place of prominence within her home. Reader agrees to keep Author's shrine said autographed photo and the area around it dust- and clutter-free.




9. Rabidly defend Author and/or Book in the unlikely event a negative review appears on any website; launch a counter-offensive against the reviewer at fault, citing every reason, real or imagined, the reviewer might have for a personal vendetta against Author; and round up an Author posse to mark unfavorable Amazon reviews of Book as "unhelpful" until said reviews disappear.




10. In the unlikely event Book does not advance to Reader's Keeper shelf, Reader agrees to destroy Book rather than sell it to a second-hand store or pass it on to a friend, as this might cut into the Author's and/or Publisher's profit margin.




11. In the extaordinarily unlikely event Reader fails to enjoy Book, Reader agrees to forget having ever purchased or read it immediately upon finishing, if not sooner.




Failure to adhere to the terms of this agreement could result in hurt feelings, increased alcohol consumption, lack of attention to personal hygiene and appearance, and/or failure to produce any further books on the part of Author; posse-administered beatdowns of Reader's reviews; shrinkage of Author's and/or Publisher's profit margin; and attempted career suicide via major clusterfuck events at popular online review sites.





What do you think? Would any reader fall for that?

As a reader of over 300 romance books last year, I know what MY answer would be...