Top 10 Wizards
I’ve been thinking about Wizards a lot recently and I’m not entirely sure why – probably because as I’m writing the last book of the 30 Stones Saga, there are a lot of magicians and wielders running about the place.
So today I want to make a list. Why? Because lists piss people off and I’m a stirrer. Below you’ll find my list in reverse order of the ten best wizards of literature. The caveats: I have to have read the book or seen the movie, and only one wizard per franchise. Honorable mentions follow. Wizards are followed by the author or originator.
10 — Wynter, (Rosaire Bushey) Yes, I’m starting with my own guy from Magic’s Genesis: The Grey. Honestly, I would have him higher but barely anyone has ever heard of him, so for the sake of not being a total homer, I put him here. Look, I get it, Wynter came to magic late – well, he was actually the very first in this world so he came to it as early as he could, but he was middle aged or better when he got going. Based on the limitations of magic in this world, he combined his assassin sensibilities, his understanding of how to make people follow like sheep and to top it off he is solely responsible for dragons in his world! That alone should get him on the list. But he removed all of his political opposition in the grandest, most ‘look at me’ way possible and barely used magic once. If it weren’t for the voice in his head he’d either rule everything or die early in the series.
9 — Rincewind, (Terry Pratchett) He’s a failed wizard, right? But he seems to do ok out of it. He’s got chutzpa and an every-man style that you absolutely have to root for. And it’s not like he has ‘no’ magic at all – perhaps his magic is like Domino (X-Force) and he’s just absurdly lucky – doesn’t matter. He does what he needs to do and he makes it exhilarating the entire time. It’s always more interesting when you know he’s not going to fireball the whole place and just walk out. Let’s face it, if you or I were wizards, we’d more likely be Rincewind than anyone else on this list or any other.
8 — Elsa (Hans Christian Andersen with a nod to Walt Disney Co.) She built a castle out of ice – (as did Wynter) but it was massive and sparkly and almost entirely unfurnished. (Wynter’s was…cozy…for a castle). She turned mother nature herself on her head and made it perpetual Winter – that’s bad-ass. She loses points for singing all the time and not impaling some fools with icicles though. Lacks the instinct to get gritty – and how much time must she have spent on that hair?!
7 — Merlin (via Geoffrey of Monmouth c. 1100) – Merlin is a character that has fascinated me since I was a boy, but while he showed every indication he could light the place up, he didn’t do it enough and accepted being lapdog to a king. No dis-respect to Merlin, I love him, but he was too reserved. I would love to see a take on a darker Merlin, one who used his power for himself.
6 — Maleficient (Via Walt Disney) – You can make a case for her being higher on this list – perhaps as high as 4. She has the power and ruthlessness that you know you would have if you could do magic stuff. Still, she gave an out to the little princess. Why? Why not just dust her and be done with it? Why go through all the trouble of the needle? And those fairy godmothers – why hadn’t she sorted them out? She has the goods but isn’t thinking strategically.
5 — Milamber (Pug) Raymond Feist) – One of my favorite books that I haven’t read in a while, but I always liked Pug. First off, he’s a wizard named Pug! I understand why he changed it, and he had power to spare. Wizards don’t have to be dark or peaceful, and I don’t remember him being entirely that all the time, and you could put him anywhere on this list and he’d hold his own.
4 — Any Genie – If a dude in a bottle can grant you wishes – actual wishes for anything you want… a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g… then they belong on this list. From the big blue of Aladdin to the silky Hammer Pants of Jeannie (as in, I Dream Of), genies got it going on and if you don’t agree, then I wish you … no, I’m not wasting a wish on you.
3 — Jadis (The White Witch) (c.s. lewis) – Another witch who digs winter. A hundred years of winter! That’s crazy, and she’s turning people into statuary like a rampaging Medusa! But why not end them? And if you know the Lion is coming, and the four kids are going to be there and you have one of them in your grasp, you can put an end to it right there with a little poison in the Turkish delight, a stiletto to the chest, or just beat him up side the head – because let’s face it, Edmund was a punk ass who deserved to get whooped. But she didn’t do any of that, and because of that, she’s number three on this list.
2 — Severus Snape (J.K. Rowling). Yup, Snape. He’s the real hero of Harry Potter. He’s the one who has a character arc full of change. He’s the only one in that entire school who actually tries to teach Harry anything that might save his life. If Harry weren’t such an all-consuming little prick, maybe he would have listened to Snape and not gotten Hogwarts damn near destroyed, and several of his friends killed. Dobby should be alive! But Snape is the character who is constantly in danger as he leads a double life. He’s the one who was bullied in school and picked on relentlessly (by the “hero’s” father no less) – and through it all – through all of that suck, he turns out to be a stand up guy. If you think Dumbledore belongs on this list, I understand that you were brainwashed as a child. But think about it – Dumbledore didn’t even try to train Harry despite knowing what was going to be asked of him. He threw Harry to Voldemort like chum in shark-infested waters. He gambled with this kid (and a bunch of other kids’) lives like they were dollar chips at a craps table. When Harry looked like he might get lucky with a waitress, who is there to c-block him? Dumbledore. And why? So he can help with HR staffing hires to bring in a wandering vagabond of a teacher (Slughorn) to work. Slughorn, whose great claim to fame is that he cozies up to kids who might be powerful and/or useful to him down the road. That’s a little shady regardless of how you look at it and Slughorn quite probably shouldn’t have been allowed within 300 feet of the school. In truth, Dumbledore was a user, manipulator, egotist, and he was just plain bad at adulting. Snape was a realist, a powerful wizard who was essentially James Bond without the snazzy car.
1 — Gandalf (J.R.R. Tolkien) I sense a pattern with the names of the top three authors on this list and am henceforth changing my literary name to r.v.bushey – and using lowercase letters just to be douchey. Gandalf is the business. He makes fireworks when he’s not beating the hell out of goblins … with a sword! He has no problem dropping a pint and smoking a big ole pipe of something called “Longbottom Leaf” so you know he’s down to party in Hobbitton for Bilbo’s hundred-eleventh. If Gandalf were modern, he’d rack out with Snoop Dogg. He slays Balrogs, he comes back from almost certain death more powerful than ever, he’s not afraid to tussle with the hack and slashers, and he’s got friends where he needs them. He can talk to animals (like butterflies) and he has a stoner cousin (Radagast). All the while he modestly possesses an Elven Ring and his humility doesn’t allow him to take the One Ring. Gandalf’s one flaw – he didn’t ask the Eagles to fly Frodo over Mt. Doom and just drop the damn ring in there. How many red-shirts died because of that lack of foresight?
Honorable mentions
Dr. Who (BBC) – Is it really magic though or just super-advanced technology?
Q (Star Trek TNG) – There is no other explanation for his ability to warp people and places to do his bidding. Perhaps more of an illusionist or psionics master. He also didn’t kill Wesley Crusher. That alone would have vaulted him into the top 5.
Palpatine (Star Wars) – has the power but doesn’t choose henchmen well. Also, monologues too much
Rasputin (Russia) – Maybe a wizard-wannabe, but he made it through on rep alone. Everyone knows him, and people credit him for drinking poison and living. Was he a magician? Meh. Does it matter? Not much – only enough where he didn’t make the actual list.
Drizzt Do’Urden (R.A. Salvatore) – Another initialed author and I love his books. Does it bother me that Drizzt isn’t technically a wizard, or that I once named a cat after him (and I also had a Gandalf, a Bilbo, and a Frodo) Not even a little. He was a Ranger in the D&D tradition which means he had some magic ability. Sometimes it’s more fun to shoot people with a bow, or chop them up like onions while dual wielding swords.
Don’t like my list? Well, too bad – unless you want to leave a comment and tell me who should have made the list and who you think has no place on this list. Go ahead, I won’t send a lightning bolt in your direction.
