#Motivation

How many of you out there are struggling to find #motivation? How many of you are finding that #thestruggleisreal? How many of you are feeling both but are afraid to speak your truth because those around will comment, whisper, or judge?

Today’s post was intended to be a book review except in this time of absolutely nothing to do, I can’t even find the motivation to read. I am a writer, reading goes with the territory. It expands my mind, my knowledge – my vocabulary. I haven’t really been watching TV either. A few shows here or there, trying to catch up on the things that interested me a few years ago when I had less time but no binging, no crushing of full seasons, just idle watching. I’m not exercising or crafting like some mad woman; I’m not photographing my dolls or painting up new ones like I enjoy doing. I’m not even writing like I should be.

So if I’m not doing all the things I normally love, where is all the time going? 

Planning

I like to think that I am in a state of perpetual planning. I plan to read, to write, to craft. I have planned to refinish my dining room furniture (and purchased the things to start doing so). I’ve planned to convert my basement into a school room (and made some minor progress along those lines). I’ve done several loads of laundry, tugged at a few weeds that needed tugging, killed off two plants, bought way too many things off Amazon, and kept my groceries *cough* booze *cough* well stocked via delivery and/or pick-up. 

I’ve planned out what my novel should have in it, outlined, and written some things when others write with me (virtual sprints are amazing). I’ve washed up swaths of fabric to make more masks but gone no further than to wash the store crud off it. But I have plans to make more masks; so many more masks.

I’ve planned to walk, do sit-ups, yoga, barre, even join a gym. Has any of it happened? No, not really. I did a daily walk for about a week then stopped; same with sit-ups and yoga. 

I have embraced this perpetual phase of planning with no end in sight. But why?

The Real Struggle

Many say: “There’s so much time for you to do the things you want now!”

There isn’t.

I want to enjoy the summer with my children, to visit King’s Dominion (closed), to go to wineries and the pool without having to hide my face in a dammed mask in 98+ degree weather. Do you know how hot it gets wearing that mask in humidity high enough to turn the air into soup? HOT is the answer.

The real struggle is starting anything at all. I’d rather sleep or curl up somewhere to watch things I’ve seen countless times so I don’t actually have to pay attention. I’d rather pretend that I actually have a lot to do (and I do) when really I just sit and troll Pinterest all day while calling it ‘research’. 

We’re all struggling. Almost five months of being told we can’t or shouldn’t go anywhere, of covering our faces and staying six feet apart wears on a person. More often than not, the thoughts come unbidden ‘why bother?’, ‘who’s going to see it?’ ‘who’s going to care?’.

These are valid thoughts, valid feelings of longing, loneliness, and loss. We’ve lost every part of what makes us human. We’re not ‘human’ anymore, we’re pictures in a Zoom meeting. Humanity wasn’t meant to interact solely through plastic shields and a sheen of hand sanitizer. We need physical touch from people other than our immediate house-mates. We need to see the facial expressions, to clearly hear the tone of voice now muffled and hidden by cloth. Even the most introverted individual eventually needs some form of human contact, from the delivery guy, to their office-mate that annoys the crap out of them. It’s something.

And, it’s more than what anyone is getting right now. So, yeah, #motivation is 100% lost.

Because… why bother?

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