I Hate Myself In Ways I Didn’t Know Were Hatred…

Years ago, a client called saying he was terrified of his children. He believed they were planning to kill him. He described them as monsters and noted they were gritting their teeth at him… You could hear them laughing and playing in the background.

At the time, he was at home alone with his four children under 8yos. He had a history of violent episodes. Historically with other adults. It was immediately decided, not to call the police because he’s a 6’5 dark-skinned muscular black man. Instead, a therapist played along with his delusion, convinced him to lock himself in a bedroom, as someone was on the way to “save him.” Meanwhile, every case manager on our team was literally driving to his house.

I can’t remember if he had been off his meds. Or if something triggered the mental breakdown, which people without mental health challenges experience. For instance, people with no history of mental health issues are struggling with this pandemic. Let me also point out, some people still have mental health crises on meds. Not to mention, adding something simple as a little grapefruit each morning can reduce or completely stop your meds from working. I digress.

I’m sharing all this to make a point. In a normal situation, this man is a dedicated father. He works two jobs and picks up odd jobs to take care of his children. He often has all his children with him. Naturally, he’s a very compassionate, funny, friendly, wise, protective, and helpful person. I’d even say he’s handsome and charming. He didn’t have his first serious mental break down until his late 20’s. When he called he was in his late 30’s.

On top of taking care of his kids, working long hours, he was always helping somebody move or fixing or someone’s car for free. He loves his children. He loves people. He is an important part of the black community.

I’m sharing all this, because people are saying it is ableist to dismiss Kanye’s behavior because he’s anti-black… Him wanting only light-skinned and mixed women in his videos, definitely colorism, which is just a euphemism for self-hating black people.

Him screaming and crying on the “campaign trail” and saying Harriet Tubman didn’t free the slaves. That’s “my children are monsters and I have a knife talk.” He screamed about his father wanting to kill him as his reason for changing his stance on abortion. He admitted his wife might leave him because of his behavior… Does he hate everyone?
One year (I’m not going to stop this post to research it) I think 2018? there was a mass shooting almost every day in the U.S. It was so bad, other countries advised their citizens not to visit America. 98% of those shooters were white men. I didn’t hear about it every day, but elementary through college started doing school shooter drills. White men started to talk about their mental health and feeling attacked. Then America started to talk about the mental health crisis happening.

We say, that black people need to be treated with more humanity but we as black people are the first to ignore each other’s humanity. We are the first to take other black people to task. We have to lead in loving us. We have to lead in being compassionate to us.

Kanye’s campaign speech literally broke my heart. Reading all the drags break my heart. Some folks are saying it’s ableist to dismiss his comments.
I think that being an artist and being bipolar he may be open to evaluating systems, rules and ideas many people are afraid to consider. Give him a mic during an episode and he could be self-hating, anti-black, personally destructive and a financial liability.

I am overwhelmed at times with oppression. I hate the way it has shaped my family’s reality. I hate that I know people who hate their own dark skin, their own nappy hair. WTF is shrinkage? Your hair didn’t shrink it’s nappy!!! Any black person who says they haven’t taken a white measurement to themselves or someone else is lying.

I’ve definitely felt frustrated about having the same conversations. I’m frustrated by the classism. I’m tired of bougie black people talking over working people’s heads with the micro and macro of racism. I’m frustrated by questioning if black men are being lynched or killing themselves in my life time. I’m frustrated by Breonna Taylor’s murderers still out here collecting unemployment. I’m frustrated by people saying don’t play the victim when we are literally still being killed in our beds. I’m frustrated by people saying racism is over. I’m frustrated by black people saying stupid shit like “why doesn’t BLM care about gang violence and black on black crime?” I’m tired of the most critical people being the mofos who aren’t doing shit. And you know how we know you aren’t doing shit, because you would know BLM cares about all people, all black people and values their allies. But again, you’d have to get off the internet and actually go to a BLM activity to find this out. I’m tired of people who aren’t doing shit waiting for someone to save them.

If you want to reach out to gangs, and you are black get your ass off the fucking internet and go do it. BLM is all of us. Their agenda is our agenda. If you want to center a specific concern put it together.

My grandmother, aunts and uncles participated in the Civil Rights Movement. My mother went to a segregated. OH and while we’re on this, I’m tired of white people not knowing basic American history. Post slave law, The Black Codes AKA Jim Crow didn’t end until 1965. Post slave law has only been over about 50 years. Black colleges are where black people were forced to attend because of segregation. Black colleges are historically black by law. They were not exclusive to black people they were including black people in education. White people have always been welcome in our spaces, we were not welcome. I said all that to say, I’m tired of white people saying “what if we had white colleges wouldn’t that be racist?” Um Harvard, Princeton, West Point and it’s totally racist.

I’m tired of reading posts about black people being in a constant state of victimhood… A law of attraction person I unfollowed said black people are suffering because they think about being victims. Meanwhile statistics say we earn less. Was it last year they voted we could wear our natural hair. Black journalist wearing their hair the way it grows out of their scalp is revolutionary. Some of us have been starting our hair so long we don’t even know how to deal with our own natural texture. We’re thinking about our proximity to whiteness even when we aren’t thinking about our proximity to whiteness.
I know black beauticians who have no idea how to deal with black hair and are not trying to learn. They are still perming hair which research says causes cancer, fibroids and birth defects so that black women can be accepted in main stream society. Some white person on Twitter looked at my profile picture and attempted to tease me for having locs. Locs, loctician, colorism and too many words shaping my life are not in the dictionary. I can’t find a black shampoo that doesn’t have detangler (small amount of perm/ straightener) in it.

My mother and all her siblings attended segregated (black) schools because they were excluded. My grandmother participated in the Civil Rights movement. Some of your white grandparents hung black people, terrorized black people, burned churches. Some of your grandparents attended lynchings, have postcards of lynchings and still say racism is imagined.
I’m tired of white people slipping up and saying the N-word. I’m tired of feeling like I slipped because I said he N-word.I’m tired of black people telling me they don’t like or use the word. We are the only culture of people who can’t have anything to ourselves.. Other races have slang terms they exclusively use. We are the most inclusive race on earth. A judge hugged a white woman who killed a black man eating ice cream in his own apartment.

I’m tired of Black Americans acting like we don’t have our own foods, poetry, music, literature, dances and culture. I’m tired of us acting like every other culture of black people is better. I’m tired of explaining I intentionally speak chop because I love how we Blacks talk when we are alone with each other. I love it so much I want to wrap myself in our language. I love it so much I risk being accused of cooning when I use the words I heard on my grandmothers’ laps. I repeat how I said a thing wrong that made you laugh… Same way my Italian, Mexican and Columbian friends quote their elders’ broken English. We all speak the Kings language when we’re not home. I’m trying to be at home in myself which means everywhere.

We Black people are reared in anti-blackness. I’ve said, felt and done some anti-black things in my right mind. For instance, years ago, I was telling Mina this elder admiring my hair that I twist my locs often because I need to see my scalp, I don’t like my hair nappy. Then she told me ever so gentle and lovingly, “You black, it’s suppose to be nappy.” I mean, I brought European beauty standards to locs, do you hear me!!!! My edges USE TO stay laaaaaidddddd. This unlearning of self-hatred is a process…

This passion, frustration, soul hurt, fear, hopelessness, power, determination, freedom, courage, curiosity, need to be all spirit not what is projected on my flesh, this need to feel loved, wanted, connected and necessary might get distorted if I’m mentally ill with a mike and an audience. And I hope my own people will give me the same compassion white people give their mass shooters.