How to craft a rejection letter.

If you're female, you have many daily opportunities to refer to this guide. If you're male, you're probably going to begin hearing many of these excuses. I'd bet the average woman is propositioned three to four times daily, with most of solicitations originating from men who'd never get to touch anything beyond her oil filter. Pity, although at least women have options.



It's important to be kind. These men don't realize how repulsive they are. They assume that you got all dolled-up to attract their attention. (As if.) Be gentle. Help the monkey off his high horse without shoving him into a pile of manure. If his advances continue, all bets are off; nail his pecker to the floorboard.



So, the next time he comes a-calling, especially via text or email, try this:



Dear [insert name of not-cute-enough guy],



I'm [flattered/stunned/covering my mouth to prevent spewing my chardonnay] by your proposal. Ordinarily, I would enjoy having [coffee/dinner/sex] with you, but at this moment I am:



[Insert all that apply.]


Married
Seeing someone
Not over my ex
Pregnant ... with twins
Swearing off penis
Looking for a job in Madrid
Not [thirsty/hungry/horny] enough
Concentrating on my [career/children/crossword puzzle]
Involved in a serious relationship with my Netflix queue
Not drunk enough to get past how repulsive you are
Caring for a sick [parent/child/vagina]
Working in the same building as you, which makes this extra-creepy
Half your age, Grandpop
Desperate, but not quite on my deathbed yet
Not looking for another pet to take care of
Plotting the extermination of all men with soul patches, hairy backs, and boat shoes
About to pass out from the scent of your Axe Body Spray
Considering adding your blood to my collection of victim slides
Speechless



I do appreciate your asking. That must have taken some [tequila/foolish pride]. I have [cute/horny/desperate] friends who might be interested. Can I set up you? Do you have any [cuter/blacker/richer] friends--not for me, of course--for my friends?



Here [hand him a bar napkin]. No, don't write on it. I thought you were tearing up. Sorry.



Anywho, this has been [lovely/awkward/disturbing]. You're such a [nice/super/not entirely repulsive] guy. Have a wonderful day.



Yours [truly/unimpressed/hating life right now],



[Insert some woman's name, not yours.]