Telemarketers: The Final Solution
I stumbled across this PDF while I was rummaging around in my documents folders. I can't remember where I got it from. What I do know is that it was a very long time ago. I also know that although it's quite clever, and amusing to a small degree, I never used it to deal with any of the telesales people who used to call me up. I suppose that just means I'm lazy.
Anti-TelemarketerScript.pdf
Download this file
I went through various stages in my responses to those who rang to sell me double glazing, a time-share apartment in sunny Spain, or any one of numerous other things I didn't want. I tried the put-the-phone-down-quietly-on-the-table-and-leave-them-to-talk-to-the-air routine, the I-am-mister-angry-and-I-will-shout-at-you-loudly-until-you-disconnect thing, the keep-them-talking-for-as-long-as-possible-until-they-give-up tactic, and others too, none of which were very satisfying, and, more to the point, did not stop them from calling me again at some future date.
The reason I object to those calls is that I'm the sort of person who, if I decide to buy something, will do some research, search out sources, compare what's on offer and come to a conclusion about what I will buy, and where I will buy it, based on the information I have gathered. Some stranger ringing me to tell me 'how white my shirts can be' is a waste of time, both theirs and mine.
I tried the 'Do not call' lists, but while it may have stopped some of them, it was not as successful as I'd hoped. It took me far too long to hit upon the sure fire way to stop a company from ever calling me again. I'll tell you how to do it, and maybe it will be the start of a new anti-telemarketer/telesales campaign. It's really quite simple, but it does mean you have to make a small investment of time. However, it works, so that's a negligible price to my mind. It goes like this:
Telesales person calls you up and tries to interest you in whatever it is their company sells. You say that's marvelous because you were only just thinking that you'd like to buy it, and how convenient it is that they have called. Make arrangements with them to send someone round to discuss your needs, and, if it seems necessary, tell them that you are thinking of replacing all the windows in your home (or whatever is appropriate) to encourage them. You won't be lying because you really are thinking about it - you're just not mentioning that the thoughts you are having are that you don't want to do it.
When the appointed time arrives, and the sales person comes to your door, invite them in and make them comfortable. When they've relaxed and are about to start their pitch, ask them if they've got all your details correct - telephone number, for example. As soon as you've established that they know who you are, tell them the reason you invited them is because you want to tell them face-to-face that you do not want their company to ring you ever again, and, if they do, you will again invite a sales call so you can repeat the message.
There might be an awkward moment or two before they leave, but you will be the one in control, and you can be certain that the message will get through. Wasting the telesales person's time on the phone is expected, as is the abuse they get - it's built in to the costing of the operation. The cost of sending a salesperson to your home is a different matter altogether.
Think it's a bit cruel? Not a bit of it. A valuable lesson that won't easily be forgotten, and, [insert evil laugh], it's payback time for all those occasions when their telesales people annoyed you with their patter (they work off scripts like the one at the top of the page).
Happy hunting!
