I am having the hardest time staying positive
I spent almost the entire day, yesterday, working really hard on something really awesome that I can’t talk about.
It felt so good to be working, to be creating something I know will eventually entertain people when it’s released. It was several days of prep and several hours of work, and I am grateful for every minute of it, because during the time I was working, I was focused on creating and entertaining. For a few hours, I didn’t have the overwhelming sense of doom and hopelessness that’s been knocking on my door for weeks. I’m grateful for that.
And yet, here I am, not even 24 hours later, right back in fear and worry.
For almost five months now, there’s been little to separate one day from another. Every day is a struggle to stay positive, and remember that there’s a small circle around Things I Can Affect, and a huge circle around Things I Can Do Absolutely Nothing About. I can usually accept that, but this week, Things I Can Do Absolutely Nothing About has just been too much to handle, and I feel like I’m going to cry, all the time.
I’m emotionally exhausted, and I’m struggling every single day with depression, feeling overwhelmed, low-key anxiety and the persistent background buzz of fear.
I know this doesn’t make me special, and I know that things could be so much worse (and I know that they are for so many people. I’m grateful I’m not one of them).
But I’m a person, and I bleed just like anyone else does, and I am just having the hardest time staying positive. I’m scared, I’m confused, I’m sad, I’m overwhelmed, and I’m doing everything I can to not slide into depression and despair, but today, I am REALLY feeling it.
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Helen
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Jul 29, 2020 01:54AM
I must say, it is amazing that you are able to work towards things that help others. The power of entertainment is simply magical. If ever I need something to lighten my spirit, I know Star Trek TNG or The Big Bang Theory is always there for me to go to in order to help. That you are able to write about these problems in a public domain is a sign of how strong you are as a person. That you're not keeping it entirely bottled up is a good thing. I want to thank you for putting work out there that has and does help others. And to let you know there are those of us who understand somewhat how you feel and that if you wish to talk, we are here to talk.
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Thank you for sharing. It helps me feel less alone
Hang in there Will! We're all in this together.
I like to think that money helps, but then read posts like this and remember it only gets you so far.Having dealt with depression most of my life, my thoughts are with you Will.
I too try to stay in the circle of Things I Can Affect, but that other circle? Some days it is crushing. I have gotten rid of almost everything on my social media that is our reality - I don't need it shoved in my face 24/7. It's not sticking my head in the sand, but my mental wellness is way more important to me.And I can only up my meds so far, know what I mean?
I can empathize. Remember, you are under no obligation to be okay, the world is crazy and hard to handle right now, and being overwhelmed and sad and lonely and stir-crazy is probably the most honest response that one could have. Visit not okay for awhile and don't beat yourself up about it. Just don't move in and live there. You're one of our favorite people and some of us will be not okay with you, and will come back later too. Some of us will blaze the trail, some will follow you out. As long as we all come back eventually, we'll be fine.
What helps me is getting outside into the sun and fresh air (as fresh as you can get in LA) and sneaking connections with a few friends. I work from home all day on zoom calls and it can be exhausting. Hugs to you.
Everyone is different, my personal experience is the depression follows on the heels of unrelenting anxiety. If I can just keep the anxiety under control I don't slip into the depression. The current situation anxiety is crackling around me like an electrical storm, but I know the situation is temporary. I have my thoughts firmly fastened on the future, knowing pandemic will one day be behind us. I feel like it's a balance beam long as I don't look down and just keep looking at the destination at the end I can control my thoughts and they Don't Run Away With Me. Good book, good music, good conversation and good work are also very helpful. Good thoughts yiur way Wil.
Me, too! The only thing getting me through this period of time is obsessively reading books and thinking about the books I will read.
Hang in there, Wil! You got a great family and friends to be there for you--along with your books ;O)You were great in "Stand By Me" especially when your character Gordie told his pals about the Barf-O-Rama story. I also liked The Big Bang Theory with your D&D Club featuring Kevin Smith, Kareem and others. Need to DVR it!
Books are a great way to ignore TV and social media, so happy readings to all!
Thank you for the courage to share what, I'm sure, so many of us are feeling. One thing I do regularly to help purge the anxiety and fear, is to go outdoors (could be indoors too), find a quiet spot and pause. Go into the Now, dropping all thoughts and emotions. Just allow them to slip away gently and focus on the senses. (that's why I like to be outdoors) I find letting go of it all, even if for just a few moments, helps me through all the other crap. It also helps me become aware of how I am right now. So much of fear and anxiety isn't based on what is happening for ourselves right now. Hope this might help.
Dear Wil, as many others have said, you are not alone. We stand together. It has helped me to look outside of the circle for glimmers of hope. The launch of the Mars rover Perseverance today was uplifting as was President Obama's eulogy. Sending you strength for today and hope for tomorrow.
Your feelings resonate with those who read this because our new (and temporary) reality is difficult to navigate at times... plus there are many depressing/frightening things that come our way on the news. As someone who also suffers from anxiety, I try to keep my mind busy--- usually with books, or my writing, or art--- because I have found it is not good for me to get into 'fetal position' mode and retreat too much from the world. Staying in touch with good friends, being in nature when possible, and surrounding myself with my loving pets is my therapy too.
Please rest and try to do things that make you feel better, loved and cherished. I hope you can crawl quickly out of that bad place your mind is putting you trough, so that you can just try to enjoy the small pleasures of life. Think of the times you overcame certain obstacles or hardships. Feel yourself stronger for those accomplishments and be proud, since even the smallest of steps is a success in life.
Remember, you are good, you are cared for, you are worth it.
Yes, I know about the anxiety and depression. I suffer from "major depression" and take meds for it. At 71 I am looking for work again. I have had a few interviews, which I have enjoyed, but still not employed. I use to making really good money and then health issues struck me down about 4 years ago. I have two major surgeries which saved my life, but they left my mind a little less functional. After working at a fast food at night for 2 years, I was able to use that time to get back mentally. Now, I am looking at going back to my former work, which is working in trauma. My license to practice will take me about 6 months to get up and running again, and I will be making a better salary, but surely risking my life even more, buy working in a busy hospital. Exercise helps me so much. I lift weights almost everyday and go walking for miles and miles. Reading helps me so much. Building computers I love. Reading about math and physics, also help me get back into focus what reality really is rather than what our society thinks it is. The other thing I been doing with my time is interacting with the homeless here, and the IV drug addicts. Most likely like yourself I get a great deal of pleasure in helping others. The other side of this life, is that if you weren't feeling those things then you aren't engaged. These are trying times. Peace & Love.
Feel your pain and know every person has a different experience when it takes hold of you.I agree with Dennis above about the gym. It seem to help me keep the demons at bay. And as a friend told me, it keeps her from killing people. I hope her gym is open.
Hang in there Will, I have suffered from depression for some time now and the current state of the world gets me down way too often. The things that have helped me are: take my dogs for a walk daily, watch only comedy tv and movies, reread my comic books and just stay away from the news.Depression is a far too common experience in our society but it does not have to control you. Some days I just have to put one foot in front of the other and power through.
I hope you find the activity that will help you overcome depression. Just remember you have thousands of friends you just haven't met and that you are a very talented person in terms of entertaining people. God be with you.
Pray Will. Pray for yourself, for someone else for everyone else. Pray for me. Somehow praying relieves anxiety for a little while. Listen to the Sisters praying the Rosary it will help you relax a little. Feel better Will and may God be with you.
I use the mantra of if that's the worst that happens it's still a good day. It helps to keep things in perspective.So many times we look at things that don't go the way we thought they would, and let that color our mood, my car didn't start, I burnt the roast, I forgot to whatever, hey if that's the worst that happens it's still a good day.
Like Monty Python said always look on the bright side life.
Keep your chin up looks like a lot of people have your best interest at heart.
I get it... and the way things are these days only serves to compound the feelings. I have suffered this darkness since I was in high school and I wish, really really wish, that there was something I could tell you that would be some proverbial 'Magic Bullet' that would help you. I will say that faith does help. But more than faith in a religion, I think we, or at least me, have to find faith in something inside ourselves.
You already have one of my tricks down pat. You write. I have always found writing to be a good channeling tool to help with the thoughts that flow through the mind and bring you down. But do not do it on a keyboard. No... that is too easy. Write longhand. Journal your thoughts, fears, worries, etc on a notebook by hand. When I do this, I find that I am using a little more energy to put into words what is bothering me, the fears and worries, the anxieties that eat at me. I write until my wrist and fingers hurt. If you have sloppy writing, so what. This is for you alone. Don't even show it to your loved ones or closest friends. There is something about the exertion that you use to write that helps. It REALLY DOES, Wil. Then.. when you are done. Don't re-read it. Put it in an envelope and write the date on it and put it someplace where you might forget about it. Or, like me, put another note on the envelope. I put, "Open on XXXXX date." I usually put that date about a year out. Trust me (i know this is hard to ask since you do not know me, all I can say is trust me as a fellow sufferer that tried to take the easy way out on 13 Sept 1986... ) When you open that envelope in a year, you will look at what you wrote and think, "Man... it really was not all that bad, now that I look back at it!"
I am not an expert at this... In reality, I do not think there is anyone that is truly an expert on how people with depression suffer other than the person suffering. ONLY you know you, and only you know what you feel, how you hurt, how you suffer... but... And I know this from experience. There is a way. Things will get better. It's just our brains are wired strangely. We dwell more than others might. We see the pitfalls before we see the successes on the other side of them. We seem to fixate on the pain and angst before we realize that it, like everything in life, is only temporary. 'This too shall pass'.
Not sure anyone will read through all that...It's just some comments on my personal journey. It's just something that I, personally, have found that I have to take every day, one at a time, and anchor myself.
It's a challenge, Wil. I wish I could say it was not. But you have a great support base here.
You are definitely not alone. The feelings of anxiety, stress, hopelessness, and every other emotion are overwhelming at times. I am so sorry that you are struggling today with all of these issues. My days come and go.Over the years, I have appreciated your honesty and candor more than you can ever know. I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and panic attacks since I was a young teenager. When I read some of your articles on your struggles, it made me feel a lot less alone.
Just know, that you are not alone in this. You have a huge base that will be here through thick and thin.
Thanks for sharing Will. Even though all of us are separated (geographically, etc), it's nice to know that there are others going through this. when I feel extremely sad, I try to focus on one thing that I can do to make this better. It usually is sending a card to someone or calling a friend just to say hi. we are going to get through this sooner or later and we just need to trek upward and onward. I'm praying for you mental health and your safety! Hang in there.
Gaming has kept me sane during this crisis. Either writing stuff, converting stuff or running online game sessions. I know my friends feel the same way. Do some gaming with some friends, or hell, find another group to game with, you'd be welcomed at my table (virtual or otherwise).
I use Fantasy Grounds Unity - and though there have been some glitches with it, it's allowed me to keep on gaming.
You're a lifelong gamer - so do some gaming, we'll get through this BS and go back to hitting the Cons in a year or so.
Wil - you are not alone. Not alone with that fear, that anxiety, that that confusion, and despair - you are not alone in any of them. There are no silver bullets, but I do know that you are influential and writing this has surely helped someone else that is struggling and feeling alone with those same painful emotions. The simple act of knowing that someone else out there, perhaps someone that we respect and admire has those same feelings will mollify those fears. I don't know that you'll read this but I hope that you do, and I hope that you know that by talking about these struggles however painful, it does help people. A lot of people. That should give you a small buoy to hold to - if you are looking for something - look to that. You are loved. Your vulnerability is powerful.
I feel you Wil. You are not alone but I know what it feels like to feel so alone...especially right now. I go up and down a lot. The only thing I can do is just tell myself to move forward. Things will get better, even if it doesn't always feel like it. These are trying times and it's hard to lean on people when we can't get to them. It's kind of a double whammy. I'm trying to remove the negative things in my life (Facebook, negative people) and focus on good (doing more yoga, actually doing self care, cooking new things, focusing on hobbies I haven't gotten around to).
Some days are better than others. When the weather is nice and I can go out to my backyard and stare at my garden, I feel at peace. I hope you are able to find some peace during these times. In the meantime, I offer a virtual hug and hope things can turn up.
Thank you for sharing. I too have mixed emotions. Last week was rough with two close friends losing a family member due to COVID. There’s hope everywhere and every day offers an opportunity to do something good. It’s good you are utilizing your platform to inspire others and provide hope. It’s ok to feel scared but to not allow ourselves to stay there too long! Be fearless and be a beacon of hope.
