Effective Communication: The Truth

Every day, we hear experts preach that communication is essential. They say, "For a team, relationship, or organization to achieve long-term success—communication is key." Or they warn, "A lack of communication is the reason why marriages, teams, or companies fall apart." I disagree. Often, the reason that unions dissolve, or teams fail, is because people overcommunicate. They speak when they are not capable, and listen when they should not.

To demonstrate, say a baseball coach finds himself in a low mood as he comes home after a long day on the field. He is tired, hungry, and all he wants to do is have dinner and relax. His wife, however, had a long day herself and didn't have time to prepare a meal. Nevertheless, rather than recognize that his perception of the situation is actually the by-product of his low mood, and, thus, staying silent, the coach unloads, "You know, I'm killing myself trying to make a living for this family; the least you could do is have some food on the table when I get home!" And things spiral downward from there.

There is no correlation between communication and success.

On the other side of this "communication confusion" is the subject of listening. The other day I heard a religious leader say, "The essence of communication does not revolve around talking; it revolves around listening." Not so. If a person finds himself or herself in a low or insecure state of mind, the last thing he or she should do is listen to any external source. Why? Because insecurity breeds the desire to latch onto another person's methodology or line of thinking; to become an automaton. Do you remember the sordid story of Jim Jones and Jonestown? Regrettably, Jones's devotees listened perfectly.

To put it simply, communication is over recommended and its tenets are almost always misunderstood. We mustn't worry about speaking our mind or keeping an open mind (listening), we must look to the level of well-being from which we do this. In fact, most of history's most effective leaders were actually quite reticent. They understood that if you speak from a low level of psychological functioning, given that you're not seeing life clearly, you are bound to do so in error. Plus, if you listen from this perspective, you're sure to sacrifice your free will and become a groupie or a follower.

There is a direct correlation between communicating from clear states of mind and success.

Here's a funny personal story about effective communication. The other night, like the coach above, I arrived home out of sorts after a long day. My wife did have dinner on the table, but it was meatballs, a meal that didn't agree with my tastes or diet (or so I thought). As a result of my depressed level of consciousness I started in, "Why in the world would you make meatballs when I'm trying to reduce my red-meat intake?"

To which my wife insightfully replied, "Not. Listening."

Translation: My wife detected my lack of clarity and instead of taking the bait—refused to communicate. My response: I immediately noticed my low mood, stopped talking, and quietly sat down to dinner. A dinner of turkey meatballs and gravy—how scrumptious!