Ten Easy Life Hacks to Not Be a Total Creep! (Sci-fi Author edition)

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Hi there, sci-fi and fantasy writers and fans! Are you tired of being accused of inappropriate conduct towards women? Are you sick of constant allegations of being a “creep”? Lucky for you, I’m here with ten life hacks to help keep you from being metooed like Myke Cole, Sam Sykes, Warren Ellis, and Paul Krueger, among others. There’s also Elizabeth Bear and her husband Scott Lynch who are accused of all sorts of horrible stuff.

Remember: these are all ALLEGATIONS at this point, but as we’ve learned with Marion Zimmer Bradley and Water Breen, among other sci-fi luminaries, where there’s smoke there’s usually fire.

Before we get started with our list, you need to keep in mind my Number One Overarching Lesson: You can’t get metooed if you’re not a creepy gamma.

So keep your head, exercise some common sense, and pay attention to my Ten Easy Life Hacks to Not Be a Total Creep!

NOTE: Most of these apply to the workplace or other professional setting, and are written for male-feminist ally types who may or may not be sci-fi and fantasy authors or otherwise involved in what is commonly referred to as “pop culture,” but some still apply to normal healthy men in places like a club or party where single women expect single men to approach them . . . but they’re still good to keep in mind.

Do not flirt with or compliment the looks of women who are not your wife/girlfriend. Unless you’re in a situation where it’s customary for men to flirt with women, you’re single, and you’re reasonably sure the object of your flirtations is single, keep to your “suave” and “clever” comments to yourself. If you’re a male-feminist ally who constantly talks about how much you totally respect women and you’re not like those awful meatheads jocks, your flirtations are probably creepy.
Do not go out to dinner, attend a social engagement, or otherwise be alone with women who are not your wife/girlfriend. Remember how everyone in the left-wing world of sci-fi and fantasy makes fun of the Mike Pence Rule? Remember how Mike Pence is never going to get metooed? This extends to hiring and mentor/mentee relationships. You might get into other kinds of trouble, but those types are vastly preferable to getting falsely accused of sexual misconduct . . . or actually committing sexual misconduct. Keep your damn door open!
If you’re not sure how that joke might be taken by women around you, don’t tell it. You’re not a professional comedian. You’re not even a talented amateur. You’re a left-wing sci-fi and/or fantasy author. Save the dirty jokes for your guy friends.
If a woman is not returning your interest, move on. There will be others. Don’t get hung up on a single female thinking she’s “the one.” Maybe she doesn’t feel the same about you. That’s fine! She owes you nothing and you owe her nothing. There are millions of attractive world out there who probably would be interested in you. Don’t waste your time on any who clearly aren’t. That’s how trouble can start!
Never text anything inappropriate or creepy. Is she your wife or girlfriend? No? Then only text if you have something bland and boring and work-related to discuss. Otherwise, don’t do it.
Do not hug or otherwise engage in physical contact with women who are not your wife/girlfriend. These things can get taken the wrong way, even if you proudly proclaim your status as an ally and a white kngijt. Keep your hands to yourself. If the hover hand is good enough for Keanu Reeves, it’s good enough for you. And don’t worry about any “Alpha” guru calling you a wimp. At least you’ll also never get metooed like creepy perverts such as former U.S. senator (man it feels good to put the former there) Al “Creepy Perv” Franken.
Do not try to pick up left-wing women. Just don’t. It’s not worth it. I understand sci-fi and fantasy authors are left-wing men in a left-wing industry, so they only encounter left-wing women. They really should know better, but alas! Maybe the problem is that you’re trying to pick up women who at worst hate men with every fiber of their being, and at best assume all men are perverts and creepers in waiting (which, in the world of professional sci-fi and fantasy authors, that’s a reasonable bet to make). So go elsewhere to find some normal women who don’t hate men and actually want to start a family with one!
Do treat women like human beings, not objects who exist for your pleasure. Again, an easy lesson to understand for normal people, but if you’re a left-wing professional sci-fi author you, have remember that if she doesn’t accept your advances, don’t get angry at her! Rejecting you does not make her a defective human being worthy of scorn and hatred. Maybe you’re the one who sucks. Rejection stings, but continuous rejection might be a clue that you’re the one with little to offer. So hit the gym and brush your teeth or something.
Don’t abuse your position of power to get women. In other words, even if you’re not a fat, ugly, disgusting pervert like Harvey Weinstein, and even if many women seek you out for favor, and are willing to exchange sexual favors for whatever you have to offer (as was the case with the aforementioned Mr. Weinstein), don’t do it. Not only is that gross, it will also come back to bite you.
If you see something, do something. The right reason to do this is that men are supposed to protect women. You’re a male-feminist ally, right? So act like one! The selfish reason to do this is that you won’t later get smeared by association like noted sci-fi male-feminist ally John Scalzi, who seems to be quite worried about this just now. And don’t protect women from your fellow left-wing sci-fi and fantasy author and/or pop culture gurus in the hopes that maybe the woman in question will sleep with you. That’s creepy! And that’s what we call “white knighting.” Act like a real knight.

So there you go! Whether or not you’re a creepy male-feminist ally in the world of sci-fi and fantasy, or a normal guy trying to navigate the fun and exciting word of inter-gender relations, just remember these ten easy tricks and you’ll be fine!

Or as I like to say, “The code of chivalry is always a good guide, and your great-grandparents’ idea or social norms was probably better than whatever the hell it is we have now?.”

Remember this: Women are not your enemy. The society and the amenable authorizes that enable the crazy vindictive ones is.

So watch your six at all times, and watch each other’s. Though this may make finding a wife harder, it it can still be done, and it’s still worth it. Just like left-wing women always seem to only encounter creepy perv left-wing men, you need to make sure you’re looking in the right places as well.

And never, never, never try to date anybody in the workplace.

One great thing about PulpRev authors is that we’re not creepy left-wing gammas and perverts. The majority of us are married family men with children who love our wives. Support our work!