The Quick and the Dead and the Thoughtless

Someone said something unkind today. Not to me. Not about me, per se. You could say it was within my earshot, metaphorically…and that it pertained to me.

Sounds minor, doesn’t it? It must be minor. It wasn’t even about me, so how much more minor could it get?

I’m not going into specifics here, but suffice it to say, the words said were unintentionally hurtful. They were unintentionally divisive and caused me to catch my breath, feel a stab of pain in my heart, and then wrestle with my own reaction for over an hour. Say something? Not say something? Say something…no, no, don’t say anything. And so on, and so on. 

My husband was having a terrific father’s day, so I kept this to myself, until he noticed I was quietly leaning over my phone, typing and backspacing, typing and backspacing…he asked if something was wrong, so I tried to explain, in general terms.

“Someone hurt me. The person didn’t mean to, but they did. I forgive the person for saying it, but it still hurts.”

And as it turned out, explaining it that way wasn’t enough. Tim wanted to know more. So I told him specifics. A few minutes later, I was in full tears.

I know from experience that with this particular person, and with people in general, confronting them (even in the nicest, most self-owning way i.e. “these are my feelings and they exist, even though you did not mean to trigger this reaction”) will do no good. Nothing will change. In fact, today’s comment was proof of just that. It’s not like the topic hasn’t come up before.

That’s the funny thing about mixed signals, though. When you want a positive, you receive the positive and forget the negative. Then the negative surprises you, and you’re like…wow, I didn’t see that coming even though of course I should have, because I did after all receive signals like these before and they hurt me before! 

So here’s the thing. We’re all thoughtless. We hurt other people, whether we intend to or not. I think there must have been times through the years when my very existence hurt this person. I don’t say that I understand it, because I don’t, but I’ve received that message loud and clear, several times. And yet this person keeps communicating with me. It is so complicated, isn’t it? I can’t get more into it without calling this person out for perceived bad behavior, and the truth is, I am CERTAIN the person thought nothing of it. They did NOT intend to hurt me. I know that letting them know they hurt me will change NOTHING, because it NEVER has. So, I have to accept this person as they are.

(Am I angry about that? Yes. I think if I were not angry then that would signal that I do not care. The anger is the correct response, I just don’t want to be angry at this person for something that they can’t control and have no wish to learn to overcome, for basically the benefit of our particular relationship.) Sorry again for this being so vague, I just can’t be open about it without looking like a horrible person. And I’m not a horrible person. I’m a very loving person processing feelings of hurt and betrayal, which is a healthier than ignoring them or swallowing them or denying them. Blergh. Welcome to my journal, remember you asked to read this.

So what now? I don’t have to expose myself to the Quick and the Thoughtless. I can make a choice to shut that door. 

It’s a choice I have made many times in my life with various hurtful, thoughtless people. I have let this particular person drift before. Not with an angry letter, not with tears expressed out loud, just…letting go. You can’t hold onto something that bites, anyway, can you? It’s just not natural. So I have let go in the past.

The thing is, the Quick and the Thoughtless have a way of turning into the Dead, eventually. Rather Quickly. And then, no matter how much thought I have put into forgiveness, I am the one left behind, sad about it.

I try, as much as possible, to put myself into that person’s shoes. The perspective that person has doesn’t align with my reality, and to be honest, I don’t know how they reconcile that, but…

I suppose I am grateful that people generally know where they stand with me. I don’t have to check a compass twice a day and record where the sun is setting, because I have learned that life is much simpler if I just orient myself toward things that do not change. Plenty of chaos all around me, so I don’t have to create it in my relationships. I think of this as integrity, but some people…I honestly don’t know how much they have even examined their choices like that. Do they even *think* about their relationship with me? If the demonstrated answer is consistently NO, then it’s no surprise they would say something hurtful. The only surprise is that it can still hurt me after all this time. It can hurt me because I let it. Not because I enjoy the pain, or that I want to be mad, or that I want to be hurt, but because I want to keep that door open to that relationship, with no hope of them changing, and with no expectation of growing closer.

It’s history. Can’t be changed. Wishing it were different, that our perspectives were closer aligned because of how the past OUGHT TO HAVE BEEN is not going to help anyone with anything.

I want to cry, I think, because I feel robbed of a certain kind of relationship.

I will work on accepting it for what it is.

Slowly. Thoughtfully. As long as I am alive.