Reflections on this Father's Day

When Father’s Day rolls around I feel nothing for my father.
No grief, no anger, no longing, no loss, no longing, no sadness, no celebration.
I feel numb.
I feel nothing for my father.

But on Father’s Day, I feel a lot for my mother, ironically enough.
I long for her, I yearn for her, I wanna run errands with her, I’d like to sit with her. I miss her.
And I think I know why.
Because she has always been a parent to me.
She parented me.
She parented me for the both of them.

I’ve come to the realization that my grief for my mother has run so deep, because she was the only one who parented me. So when I lost her, I lost my parents. Even before my mother passed, my father wasn’t a decent dad. All I had was my mother. And without her, all I have is no one.

I believe that if I had a good dad--the grief that I often feel for my mother wouldn’t have been so intense and concentrated.
It would have been grief only for losing my mother, but not losing my parents.
That’s just where I’m at on this Father’s Day.

Holding on to hope...and to love...and to faith, that one day I will have many children celebrating, well, the father I picked for them. What a day that will be.