First Crush

Violet had only recently become obsessed with the idea of smooching. One more step on the journey into loss of innocence hat parents helplessly watch their children traverse.

She was eight.

This is totally normal Brian reminded himself.

He didn’t consider himself an overly protective dad. At least, not yet. But he wasn’t naïve, either

There was certainly a charming innocence to her recent fascination, which he assumed – hoped – was limited to what she saw on TV and in movies.

Perhaps he was naïve.

Maybe it was already happening on playground. If not now, then someday.

He tried not to think about it.

One place she certainly wasn’t seeing it was in own home. Of course, she received no shortage of affection from her parents. But she certainly never witnessed any type of affection between her parents. No kissing. No hugs. No hand holding. Sometimes, they didn’t even shake hands during the peace offering during mass. Being from a large Italian family, physical acts of affection were in his DNA – whether he liked it or not. Opposites attract, he figured?

He often wondered if his daughter even noticed their lack of affection. And if she did, what did she think?  Did she find it odd? Maybe she just assumed it only happened in the land of make believe. Then again, she would have seen other family members and friends showing affection. So why not her parents?

He considered it no coincidence that her with love and smooching was piqued shortly around the time her parents started living separately.

Shortly after that, came her first official “crush”. Or, at least the first crush she admitted to. He suspected she had earlier crushes. She just didn’t know what that meant at the time

“Sounds like somebody has a crush,” he teased.

Much to his surprise, she admitted it. Then blushed.

He didn’t push it any further.

She would later tell him his name was Alex. He was in the other 2nd grade class.

For the weeks that followed, she shared a daily Alex report:

“Alex told a funny joke.”

“Alex burped the alphabet at lunch.”

“Alex farted.”

And then one day, she sprinted out of school with the biggest smile he had seen since the separation. Possibly even before

“Alex smiled at me today!”

She was as giddy as – well, a schoolgirl.

“From across the lunch table!”

From what he gathered, Alex still hadn’t spoken directly to her. But never underestimate the power of a smile. Especially through the point-of-view of a second grader.

It filled his heart with so much joy to see her walking out with a smile on her face, rather than tears. How many times did that happen that school year? Too many.

There would always be tears, of course. But in this moment, he was relieved to finally see less of them.

Between the separation and her struggles to make friends, real, or perceived, it broke his damn heart every time., triggering the sting of being a former victim of bullying himself.

It never goes away.

Weeks passed, but her crush didn’t’. He quickly learned not to bring up Alex to spare her the embarrassment. However, she freely talked about him so much, he had no reason to bring it up on his own.

Not lost in all of this was how open she was about sharing all of this with him. As much as he hoped it would always be like this, he knew better. Someday, sooner than he even realized, she would be a teenager. And before long, an adult. And no matter how close they were, she would never fully disclose everything. Someday, her biggest secrets would be trusted with someone else. And he would be least likely to be privy to them. Some of these men would up hurting her. And yet, her secrets would remain with them. Some might even use them against her. It sickened him to even think about it.

He also feared that someday, she would find out his secrets. His most shameful one in particular. He would own up to it, but he knew the potential damage it could do to the bond they shared. For now, he would continue to savor their mutual love for The Beatles, the annual Daddy-Daughter Dance she said she wanted to do forever, and bike rides through the neighborhood – a neighborhood that was still is as long as he continued the “nesting” arrangement with her mother. As far as Violet knew, mommy through daddy out of the house. In reality, she didn’t want any of this at all. And once she understood the truth, how could he possibly explain to his daughter that he left in the best interest of the kids?

Someday, he would face the music. But for now, there was daddy. And Alex. Alex was momentarily winning. There would always be Alexes to contend with.

He was all she could think about. He began to wonder how much of it was in her head. If so, she took after him more than he even realized.

And then one day, she sprung out of the building with an even higher level of unbridled joy:

“Alex gave me a note!” she said as she leaped out of the building.

There was another note the next day. And the day after that.

But then the hammer of reality arrived.

The next evening, his soon-to-be ex-wife Jennifer called. He naturally assumed it would probably have something to do with finances, or even more likely, some nitpicky thing he did wrong.

“You know those notes that Violet keeps bringing home from school?” she began.

“Yeah?”

“I don’t think they’re from Alex.”

“What do you mean?”

“I looked at the handwriting. And then I looked at her best friend Chloe’s handwriting. It’s identical.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive. I’ll send you pics.”

“Should we tell her?”

“I think so.”

“She’s going to be heartbroken.”

“Won’t be the last time.”

“True. But is there any harm in delaying the inevitable?”

She thought on it.

“I will call her Chloe’s mom first. Just to be sure. And then I’ll talk to her.”

Though reluctant, he realized it was for the best.

“Okay.”

When they got off the phone, she sent the pics. There was no question it was the same handwriting.

It certainly wouldn’t be the first hard lesson she learned. And he had no doubt she could handle it. After all, this is the same girl who taught a little boy on the playground last summer a lesson in sexual harassment after he a got a little too handsy:

“That’s my ‘gina’,” she shouted. “It’s very dangerous and could get you fired.”

This was the same girl who came home following a MLK Day lesson with this perspective:

“I just don’t understand why people would not be nice to someone just because of their skin color!”

As proud of her as he was and confident she was going to be just fine, it was sometimes watching your child emerge from the cocoon of innocence they’re born into was almost too much to bear.

As it turned out, Chloe confessed.  The letters were from her. She claimed he didn’t want Violet to feel left out since she was the only one in their friend group who didn’t have a “boyfriend” and knew that Violet had a crush on Alex. She would later write Violet an apology. And though Violet she was disappointed in her best friend, she knew she meant well

“What do they need boyfriends for?” Brian asked. “They’re eight!”

“Don’t be naïve,” Jennifer said. A familiar refrain.

They agreed that Jennifer should be the one to tell their daughter after school the next day. Though he wanted to talk to her, he knew it was for the best to let her mom handle it. The last thing she needed to hear advice from in this instance was from a man. At least he would be at the house when the conversation happened. It was their weekly family dinner night, which they agreed upon when they separated.  So that their daughter could have family memories continue throughout childhood. Neither one knew how long it would last. But for now, it worked for them.

When Brian picked her up that day, she wasn’t her usual giddy self. She wasn’t sad, but not nearly as happy as she had been every day after school. She didn’t mention anything about Alex. Nor, did he want to ask. He assumed there was no note today.

She remained pretty during after dinner, too. He dreaded how she would take the news.

After dinner, Jennifer talked with their daughter in her bedroom, with the door closed. Brian did the respectful thing by not spying. Though he was certainly tempted.

A few minutes later, mother and daughter emerged out of the bedroom. There were no tears. Violet simply carried the notes “from Alex” that she had been saving in her jewelry box that she got when she was four. Without saying a word, she simply tore them up over the recycling bin. She then grabbed her Harry Potter book curled up on the couch to read.

Business as usual.

The next day, she took down all of her Disney princess stuff off her walls.

That night, as he tucked her into bed, he couldn’t help but ask:

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, daddy.”

“I’m sorry Chloe did that to you.”

“It’s okay. She meant well.”

“I just want you to know, you are so pretty and smart and boys will always have crushes on you, but you will always be able to pick among the very best. Life will be full of crushes and broken hearts, but you have the strongest heart of all.”

“Thank you, daddy.”

“And no matter what, you will always be daddy’s little princess.”

“Not a princess. A queen.”

Brian laughed. He knew right in that moment that even though he wouldn’t always be able protect her, this experience proved she wouldn’t always need protecting.

“And with a daddy like you, I don’t really care about any other boys.

And with that, she kissed him on the cheek, then rolled over and closed her eyes.

There was nothing else to be said.

She already knew the moral of the story.