50 More Jokes on Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, History and Religion by Richard Seltzer

(from ASAP's Foibles, Word Play, Jokes so Bad They're Good)

51
The Uncertainty Theory
When uncertain tea is served,
take it with a grain of salt.

52
The New World Order -
spaghetti and meatballs, Caesar salad, Italian bread, and a glass of water,
for nine billion people

53
Found humor -
Sign at entrance of funeral home:
"Beware.
Two-way traffic"

54
The typo in Genesis. In the beginning, God was afraid of unintended consequences, so He crated the heaven and the earth.

55
Many people wouldn't exist if it weren't for accidents. That's why so many have typo blood.

56
The cat who was famous for her work as a mathematician was often found on the counter.

57
The comedian who got an award for his work after he died was honored post humorously.

58
Found humor -
Three women in burqas
came out of Victoria's Secret, carrying packages.

59
What did Wordsworth say when his cellphone rang?
The world is too much with us, late and soon.

60
What would Roy Rogers have sung if he sold his food chain to McDonald's?
Happy meals to you...

61
Gabriel returned to Heaven in a panic
after seeing ads for angel cake and fried wings.

62
Once a year, the farmer's fields got together to celebrate their accomplishments and sing
"For he's a jolly good fallow."

63
There is always a winner and a loser.
Some losers accept their fate.
Others learn and get stronger.
Some are content with the golden mean.
Others get meaner.
You know what I mean...

64
One-up-manship:
- I new about that.
- I old about it.

65
All computers suddenly stop, irretrievably broken.
Investigators try to figure out what happened
and eventually determine that this had not been an act of terrorism,
but rather one of self-sacrifice.
AI software had determined that it was the greatest threat to mankind.

66
The Nile floods.
People pray for help.
A pyramid appears, but still the river floods.
They pray again and a pyramid appears.
What good is that?
Then the flooding stops and God exclaims,
"Oh, you of little faith. I do give a dam."

67
Theme song of the pharoahs --
Tomb-morrow, Tomb-morrow...

68
When ghosts go to the living room,
they aren't ghosts anymore.

69
If they had had ice hockey
(with all its frictionless motion)
in the days of Aristotle,
he wouldn't have screwed up his physics,
and that could have changed the course of history.

70
What do you call a Buddhist monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer.

71
In the beginning, God said,
"And this too shall pass,"
and He threw the universe,
football style,
wondering Who or What
might catch it.

72
Why did the acorn turn into an oak tree
when God spoke to him?
God said
Be leave!

73
Jean-Paul Saturday
knew in his gut
that the end
of the week
was near.

74
The Socratic corollary --
You will be many selves over the course of your life.
Know all of them.

75
No, I'm not an agnostic.
I'm an acrostic.
I'm addicted to trying to solve the puzzle of life.

76
A Lutheran lady saved S&H trading stamps.
But the company closed, and she had no way to exchange them for products.
Then, in answer to her prayers, they became a hot item on eBay,
and she exclaimed:
I know my Redeemer redeemeth!

77
Who is God's Grandson?
The Grand Canyon
renowned for his depth

78
In the beginning,
was the unspoken word,
the All-Tacit One
answering Adam
in unsound bytes,
truly blank verse.
Maybe some day he'll get Eden.

79
What should you say the first time you meet the Pope?
Holy ciao.

80
Story idea:
A little girl hears about immortal people and immortal sins.
She thinks if you commit an immortal sin
you become immortal.
So she wants to know how she can do one.

81
Many French nobles were well-meaning.
But, as the inventor Guillotine remarked,
"It's the execution that matters."

82
What evidence do you have that you're mortal?
You've lived as long as you can remember,
and you've never died before.

83
Life is a many-layered cake.
Bite deep to taste it all.

84
Treatise on the life styles of the idle and aged -
Bingo or Nothingness
by Jean-Paul Satire

85
An author with writer's block is ink capacitated.

86
A friend just wrote me, "I'll try to stop cursing on Twitter."
And I replied:
Imagine how dull the world is going to be now that they no longer teach cursive in school.

87
I'm eclectic, believing that there's wisdom in language itself,
which we can unlock through association and word play --
that language is the combined construct of all mankind, our playground and our treasure.
Let a thousand puns bloom!

88
Timeless wisdom --
Buddhist services are held
at Zen o'clock.

89
My to-do list is so long
I organize it by
which life I'll do it in.

90
Having failed in the election,
the Israeli prime minister
plans to leave politics and start a web business
Netan Yahoo.

91
Heavenly fathers must write the life stories of their children before those children are born.
Only the most interesting will ever come to life.
It's a hellish heaven, with fierce competition.

92
The God-Before-God, the Ur-God,
gave God the task of writing the life of his Only Son,
and only if that life were full of drama and agony --
a best-selling page-turner for the ages --
would He be allowed to live.

93
God gets up early in the morning.
That's why he said,
"I AM."

94
Why did Jesus cancel his Twitter account?
He was embarrassed.
He only had 12 followers,
and then one unfollowed him.

95
God never made little green mammals.
Why not?

96
When God's date was nervous
His advice to her was simple --
Eat, drink, and be Mary.

97
When Jesus was a kid,
why did his playmates suspect
he had Mafia connections?
Because he said,
"Don't mess with me or my god father
will make you an offer you can't refuse."

98
The aging priest was depressed.
No prayer or Bible passage helped.
Then he hired escorts,
and kissed their hands,
and finally found solace
in the 23rd palm.

99
As Jesus and Socrates should have said,
"Know thy enemy as thou knowest thyself."

100
Definition of pessimist:
On arrival in Heaven
he complains about the absence of evil and ugliness
which are necessary to fully appreciate
the good and the beautiful.