Feedback Request

The author of the book featured here would like feedback on the following revision of the query.


Dear Evil Editor,


Natalie wanders the run-down edges of the city in search of superhumans whose uncontrolled powers destroyed their lives. [Assuming Natalie has a last name and the city has a name, use them.] Six years ago, Natalie struggled to gain control of lightning storms that plagued her, and now, she makes sure nobody else has to suffer terrifying super-powered episodes alone. She sends her rehabs home with a carefully crafted lie to explain their absence, and strict commands to hide their powers. Natalie rents in a cramped house with roommates Laura, who reads minds and often gets lost in them, Adam, who can fly (mostly to the six pack shop), and Youssef, who commands the wind to keep neighbors from smelling him smoke pot. [Has Natalie ever given her roommates strict commands to hide their powers?] [Is "six pack shop" a known phrase? Beer is available at convenience stores, grocery stores, package stores...] [Laura, Youssef and Adam probably do something worth mentioning in your synopsis, but they do nothing to advance the plot here, so they can be left out of the query. Or you could move this sentence to the beginning of the query as a way to show what kind of superhumans live in this world.]
One night in search of a new recruit, Natalie instead stumbles into a murder at the hands of the Witnesses, vigilantes who avenge loved ones lost to super-accidents. Natalie escapes, but any of her bumbling friends could be the next victim. Natalie can live lower than usual, moving faster between gig jobs, better hiding her face in public. But if Natalie can hunt the elusive Witnesses back without telling her friends, they’ll be safe again, at the cost of becoming the monster the vigilantes think she is. [So the vigilantes know Natalie is a superhuman?] [The vigilantes aren't gonna change their minds about superhumans if Natalie doesn't hunt them, so she may as well try to eliminate them.]

[This sounds like a good candidate for a graphic novel.] 

[I think something like the following, which may not be totally accurate, would tighten this up:]

Natalie Nettles lives in a cramped boarding house with three roommates: Laura (who reads minds and often gets lost in them); Adam, who can fly (usually to the six pack shop); and Youssef, who commands the wind (mostly to blow away his pot smoke). Natalie has her own power, controlling the lightning storms that once plagued her.

At night, Natalie wanders the run-down edges of Philadelphia in search of other superhumans whose uncontrolled powers destroyed their lives. Her mission: make sure nobody else has to suffer terrifying super-powered episodes alone. She sends her rehabs home with a carefully crafted lie to explain their absence, and strict orders to hide their powers.  
One night, in search of a new recruit, Natalie stumbles into a murder at the hands of the Witnesses, vigilantes who avenge loved ones accidentally lost to blundering superhumans. Natalie flees, but she knows any of her bumbling friends could be the Witnesses' next victim. Natalie can live low, change jobs, hide her face in public, sure. But if she really wants to protect her friends, the hunted must become the hunter--even if it proves she's the monster the vigilantes think she is.