50 Jokes on Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, History, and Religion by Richard Seltzer

(from ASAP's Foibles, Word Play, Jokes so bad, they're good)


1
What did Newton say to the apple?
May the force be with you.

2
Definition of predestination:
de fault of de stars.

3
It's not what you no;
it's what you yes that counts.

4
In Israel, a plumber and a carpenter were working together on a construction project.
The plumber boasted, "My dad invented the shower."
The carpenter replied, "My dad invented the rain."

5
The Earth is crazy.
Diagnosis - bipolar.

6
Chinese tell their kids:
"Think of all the overweight children in America.
Eat wisely."

7
When Moses had a headache, God gave him two tablets and told him to rest.

8
God told Jesus,
"Walk,
don't run,
on water."

9
When the cannibals served missionary for lunch, they called it "roast belief".

10
Vegetarians finally resolved the age-old question of which came first the chicken or the egg.
The egg plant.

11
What videogame was designed by a school of theology?
Moral Combat.

12
Early man had a bad sense of direction and often got lost.
That's how he earned the name "meander-thal man".

13
What did the papa shoe say to the baby shoe?
You are what you feet.

14
Some economists believe that the universe began when a consortium of bankers paid God to create it.
That is known as the Big Bank Theory.

15
How do sinners communicate at sea?
re-morse code

16
The Gospel of John deifies all logic.

17
What nursery rhyme character was renowned as a mathematician?
Simple Simon
He was a pi man

18
What's another name for an oracle?
A fountain of eternal truth

19
A guy who never studied enough in high school and college
became a success on Broadway
as an understudy.

20
When a college student has to repeat his first year,
that's called "refreshment".

21
My mother wrote
My father wrote.
So I learned by rote.

22
Some people can tell the future by listening to running children.
They read the pattern of little feet.

23
Why did the saliva drip down to the chin?
Because she wanted to explore outer face.

24
How can you say "broken" with just three characters?
132
(out of order)

25
What's a definition for "miraculous"?
Holy unlikely

26
What is the slogan of the Marine Corps math team?
Semper Finite

27
What is time squared?
42nd St. plus Broadway

28
An author with writer's block is ink capacitated.

29
What is a more shocking headline than "man bites dog"?
egg lays hen

30
The golden rule --
guilt is gold.

31
Noah didn't have time to gather two of every species. So God gave him the power to change one kind of animal to another, but the animals had to volunteer. As the deadline approached, Noah was still missing one African animal. So he started advertising, "Go home gnu."

32
Why did the scientist go all over the world looking for tea?
He was seeking certain tea.

33
Why were early Lutherans thin?
A diet of worms

34
Which Greek philosopher was also a great athlete?
Soccer Tees

35
Who is the Father of God?
The Godfather, of course.

36
Where should you go to learn to read a compass?
A magnet school.

37
What mathematical function helps get bank loans?
Cosign

38
What mathematical function is a person of color?
tan-gent

39
Going to school to learn how to morrow.

40
On the first Christmas, the Fairy Godmother gave God a 3D printer, and He made the Heavens and the Earth and people and everything.

41
The perfect gift for a spiritual leader --
birthday presence

42
The future is bright.
The past is stupid.
The present hasn't taken the test yet.

43
The after life is likely to be messy.
The after birth certainly is.

44
You can't take your time and have it too.

45
Definition of optimism:
If God were a professor and mankind a student and if all that mankind has done so far were a first assignment, God would say: "And this too shall pass."

46
Theme song of Edvard Munch -
To scream the impossible scream

47
Treatise on the life styles of the idle and aged -
Bingo or Nothingness
by Jean-Paul Satire

50
Life is a many-layered cake.
Bite deep to taste it all.

The complete collection (over 1800 jokes) is available at my website http://www.seltzerbooks.com/jokes.html