Facing the Reality That Peace Isn’t Always Possible

@bethvogt

I spent the past four years writing a “Little Women gone wrong” women’s fiction series about a trio of sisters trying to discover if they can move from a truce to trusting one another. Maybe they do. Maybe they don’t. Magicians don’t reveal how they do their tricks, right? And authors don’t reveal what’s hidden between the covers of their books – not all of the story, anyway.

And all the while I crafted my novels, the road back to a relationship with my own two sisters is marked “No Access.”

I can’t fix what’s wrecked with me and my two sisters – what’s broken between me and my entire extended family, if I’m being completely honest.

Trust me, I’ve tried.

For the past eight years, I’ve shed tears on birthdays and holidays.

I’ve whispered both “what more can I do” and “watch over them” prayers.

In the end, I’ve realized I can’t mend the hurt alienating us.

Pastors and counselors and relatives and friends and self-help authors – even the occasional well-meaning acquaintance – offer endless advice for fixing fractured relationships.

Fight through the misunderstanding.
Strive for reconciliation.
Forgive seven times seven as many times as it is takes.

But rarely do people say the one hard truth: Stop. Just stop trying.

Sometimes we can’t fix what’s broken between us and another person. And all our attempts to make things better – to do the right thing or say the right thing or to be the person someone else expects us to be – just makes things worse.

That’s a harsh truth to face in a world where we’re told to forgive. To forget. To let go of the problem and move on. In all the forgiving and forgetting and letting go and moving on, stay together.

One truth has held me steady as I’ve stared across the chasm separating me and my sisters: If possible, as far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. (Romans 12:18)

Let me unpack this verse that’s become an unwavering beacon of light while I’ve lived estranged from family for more years than I ever imagined:

If possible – and sometimes it is not possible because your efforts alone may not be enough to accomplish what you want to happen – as far as it depends on you –– you can only do what you can do and you are not responsible for other people’s actions or reactions – be at peace with all men. The word here conveys the ideas of quietness and rest. If interacting with others creates emotional turmoil for you, then you need to make choices that bring peace into your life.

Sometimes trying to have a relationship with others, with family, creates discord and strife – the opposite of quietness and rest for us and for them.

It’s unrealistic to think we will have calm relationships, ones that are mutually respectful and loving, with everyone, including our family members. Even if we’re willing to strive for reconciliation – one that includes carefully chosen boundaries based on our values – others may not be.

 

Facing the Reality That Peace Isn't Always Possible https://bit.ly/2Y6CA13 #relationships #estrangement
Click To Tweet

'It takes one person to forgive, it takes two people to be reunited.' Quote by Lewis B. Smedes https://bit.ly/2Y6CA13 #relationships #estrangement
Click To Tweet