Pee Like a Chick!
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Private Eye: Eugene Leftowicz
10 December 2013
The snow was blowing, my face was covered by a scarf. Blizzards had been reported in the outlying areas. Joy was wrapped like a mummy, with only her eyes showing. She pulled down her scarf and said, “Hi Sunshine, did ya miss me?”
“Of course I did. How have you been feeling?”
“I’m okay. Jake got out on Monday instead of on the second. He’s got his electric wheelchair, so he’s zipping around all over. He’s got a new parole officer. He doesn’t like her, but whoever likes their parole officers?”
“Yeah,” I said, “it’s not as if they’ve won a personality contest.”
“He’s got to meet with her at nine. He’ll be coming down here.”
I asked, so how has it been with him back?”
“Lousy, sometimes he’ll come in at three-thirty in the morning. He came at eight yesterday morning. I said to him, ‘You got to quit doing this. I’ve got a life. I’ve got things to do.’ He comes in, eats, then wants to go to sleep. I told him, ‘This ain’t no flop-house. Come over when you’re ready to stay awake.’
“He doesn’t pick up after himself. I had the place all scrubbed. I walked into the bathroom and there’s a puddle in front of the toilet. I mentioned it to him. He said, ‘Maybe the toilet’s leaking.’ I said, ‘Jake, the puddle is yellow. It’s not the toilet that’s leaking. if you can’t hit the bowl, you’ll just have to sit and pee like a chick.’ So he does. Hell, I can stand up and pee into a toilet. He’s got the proper equipment; I don’t see why it should be difficult for him. He said, ‘I’ve only been here a few days and already you’re nagging at me.’ I said, pick up after yourself, do your share and we won’t have a problem.
“Here he comes now. See the size of him?”
I turned and saw a huge bearded man in a wheelchair. “Hi,” I said, “you must be Jake. I’m Dennis.”
“Hi, Dennis, I’ve heard a lot about you.” We shook hands.
Joy said to Jake, “I’m glad you’re here. I have to go for a pee.”
I said, “I should head to work. I’ll see you, Joy, Jake.” We shook hands.
~~~
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