How We Are Trying To Stay Connected To Our Partners During Quarantine

When planning this post I asked Brian if he felt we were more or less connected since quarantine. I, of course, thought asking while he was online shopping for his first shed was good timing – so he was SUPER into the conversation. He said “yeah, probably” and when I asked him why he thinks we are, his response was “because we give each other space”. He wasn’t trying to be funny. While that wouldn’t have been my response I don’t think he’s wrong. Generally, as a couple we’ve been doing fine, with 20 years under our belt we know how to speak to each other and how to avoid triggering each other but we still do. We’ve only gotten in one moderate argument. A huge trigger of mine is if he seems AT ALL annoyed that he has to do anything for the blog – write, shoot, edit, etc. He jokes that I require extreme enthusiasm, and perceive anything less than that is him being annoyed (which is absolutely true about me). 10 days ago when he said, “wait, what is the garage post?” I almost lost it, outraged that he hadn’t apparently taken notes when we had talked about it earlier in the week. He was baffled at my outrage and calmly told me that he’s sorry that he “looked at me wrong” and “asked a question”.  I forgave him of his crime. 

So besides “giving each other space” what do we do to stay connected? And how are other couples doing? Of course, I turned this question over to my team who are quarantining with partners and we chatted about it for a good half hour during our weekly happy hour zoom meeting. When this happens, we have an inkling that we should make a blog post about it so here we are. Here is what I and the EHD team have been trying to stay in tune with our S.O.’s.

Emily and Brian

I think it’s hard not to be connected when you do so many process-oriented things together – making meals, cleaning the house, putting down kids, parenting, board games, even working out. I think we used our friends as a crutch more than we thought to have “fun” and feel connected. So now it’s just us most of the time and it’s actually fulfilling. 

We don’t really have date nights, but a couple times a week we try experimental dinners that require us both to follow challenging recipes. We’ll start around 4 – 4:30 pm and have wine stretch out the process, trying not to rush the result. The kids sometimes help (which is fun?) and if not then we can actually have an adult conversation (TV GUYS THE TV). It’s like when we used to seek out the best soup dumplings in San Gabriel Valley or he would drive us an hour to the best lobster tacos – except we are making them now. 

The last few years we’ve been really good about giving each other a night totally off, whether in or out, and that hasn’t really changed. About once a week Brian will make some sort of excuse to go to LA to grab like a pencil or “Charlie’s shorts” from our house. It’s an hour and 45 minutes each way and especially since he is the main home school parent most days I know he really NEEDS that time. I think sometimes he just sits in his car, parked, listening to podcasts and that’s totally fine. It gives me one full day a week with the kids which means I can’t get any work done (not sure how two working parents are doing it – SERIOUSLY HOW ARE YOU DOING IT?) but he comes back in such a better mood, excited to see us and I’m sure he likes us more. So yeah, space. 

For my “space” I have a DIY “spa night” (aka a long-ass bath). We don’t have big romantic date nights but on Friday nights we make the kids watch movies on the laptop in a guest bedroom while we eat burgers from the only take out place in town, and watch a grownup show (Succession, Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and we are starting Normal People this weekend). For those two hours we act like we don’t have kids or like someone else is watching them in another room (the TV, duh) and it’s awesome. 

The last two weeks we have dedicated Sunday morning/lunch as a date time, instead of nights, while the kids are zombied in front of the TV and we actually have energy and feel like talking. Whereas after they go to bed we are usually done talking for the day and just watch shows, read or pass out. 

I think it’s both easier and harder quarantining with kids. Having a buffer of these two really fun little friends to entertain us and keep the day FULL is great in many ways, but no, we don’t get the same marathoning TV time, as much personal time or “long walks” if we didn’t. All in all, we aren’t sick of each other yet and while it’s not perfect we certainly do really appreciate how much we still really like hanging out together. 

I just asked Brian if he had anything additional to say about feeling connected (it’s 6:45 am and he’s reading the news online with coffee with the body language that says, “I’m not really here”), he said “uh, no, I think we are good on that one”.