Excerpt: "Fred The Head"
I started getting tired of pot around 23, 24 years old. To this day, I much prefer alcohol. Pot makes my brain work feverishly, which annoys me since it's always working pretty feverishly anyway. Alcohol blots out the mind and this is something I can really get down with. Sometimes, I just need to sit there with a stupid look on my face and a single thought in my head: PUSSY!
Fred continued on…and on. He smoked pot daily, several times a day, for years on end. I blossomed into a health nut with a mild drinking problem. He turned into a couch potato with love handles who knew a lot about different tv shows and how 'trippy' they were.
"Dude, you gotta check out Adult Swim. It's sooooo fuckin trippy!"
The weird thing is, we remained friends right up until here recently. He still liked drinking occasionally and I still smoked pot occasionally. Hell, I just got baked, like, two weeks ago. But it was clear that we had each found our drug of choice.
We broke up over conspiracy theories. That's right, conspiracy theories. Specifically, his belief and need to talk about how THE GOVERNMENT is behind everything, even as far back as the Lincoln assassination. Of course, THE GOVERNMENT killed Kennedy and did 9/11 and put crack in the ghettos and caused the banking crisis. THE GOVERNMENT faked the moon landing. THE GOVERNMENT installs computer chips in us when we give blood or have surgery. Everything.
Everything you can think of was planned and executed by THE GOVERNMENT. Pot has warped his mind and given him structure. He sees puppet strings everywhere. Plans everywhere. Secret plans that are always executed perfectly.
I would ask him how THE GOVERNMENT could successfully do all this if it couldn't even keep him, Fred the Head, from smoking a simple joint, but that too was part of the plan. You see, when a plan fails, why, that's planned.
Invariably, he had to talk about this shit when we got together and we began hanging out less and less. Sometimes 4 months would go by between hangout sessions. But then I would get bored or lonely and call him up.
The final blow came a few months ago when he revealed that THE GOVERNMENT was really controlled by space aliens. He started rambling on and on about UFOs and Area 51 and Infiltrations of upper echelons and coverups and I just lost it. I just snapped.
I was standing in the kitchen, having just gotten another beer, when his "revelation" came spewing down the mountain of his 15 year long high like a big yellow avalanche of piss.
I paused for a minute, trying to be open-minded, and then began hurling full cans of beer at him as hard as I could.
from EOoN, Volume One
