20 Life Hacks for the “New Normal” in 2020

It’s 2020 and even though we’re all dealing with the horrors of Covid-19, including the illness and loss of loved ones, the hardships of social distancing and the ongoing economic uncertainty, life still goes on and right now, we need all the skills we can get.

In these ever more challenging times it doesn’t hurt to contemplate some important life lessons that we can adopt today and make use of, moving forward.

Here are my 20 essential life hacks for the “new normal” in 2020:

You can’t change anyone. A person won’t change because you love them, or because you’re good to them. They’ll change only if they’re willing and able to do so (and often, only with long-term professional help). If you’re not happy with the other person’s behaviour, decide if you can or cannot live with it and then act accordingly.
Know your deal-breakers and your necessities. In every relationship there are some things you don’t like but you can live with and there are the deal-breakers. You should never have to tolerate the deal-breakers. Also, in every relationship there are some things you can live without and there are the absolute necessities. You should never allow yourself to go without the necessities.
Stop complaining, start taking action. Complaining is a terrible way of dealing with your problems. It’s toxic to the people you’re complaining to and it’s totally unhelpful for you. If you have a problem, you need to deal with it and stop complaining about it.
Love relationships should do three things: They should make you happy more often than not; they should bring out the best in you, and they should make you feel good about yourself. If all three aren’t present in your relationship, you need to walk away.
You get to choose your friends. They should be on the same wavelength as you; fun to be with, caring and supportive. If these things are absent and/or if there’s a lot of drama, stress or confusion, you can just as easily un-choose these friends and find some better ones.
People-pleasing always backfires. When you’re trying so hard to please, you’re being inauthentic and so you aren’t seen for who you really are or aren’t valued for who you are. Also, rather than encouraging approval, people-pleasing fosters disrespect, exploitation and mistreatment.
Stop asking “why?” It doesn’t matter why someone has done something hurtful to you. It matters how their actions have affected you. You don’t need to figure out why the other person acted this way; you just need to know what you felt and then go ahead and take care of yourself.
Life is not a popularity contest. What other people think about you is their problem. Besides, kind, reasonable people will never judge you harshly and unreasonable jerks always will. You don’t need to worry about what the kind people say because they’ll always be kind. And you don’t need to worry about what the jerks say because they’ll always be jerks.
Experts shouldn’t be hypocrites. Never take life advice from people whose lives are a mess. People who advise you should walk the walk and not just talk the talk. You don’t need someone to understand or approve of your reasons for ending a relationship with them. You just need to be clear to them that it’s over. You’re free to walk away from any relationship if it’s that’s what you need. How they feel and what they think doesn’t matter.
Stop waiting for understanding. You don’t need someone to understand or approve of your reasons for ending the relationship. Whatever your reasons, it’s enough that this is how you feel. You just need to be clear to the other person, so that there’s no confusion that you’re ending things. You’re free to walk away from any relationship if it’s that’s what you want. Whether they get it or are okay with it really doesn’t matter.

Never be afraid to assert your needs, feelings or limits. When expressing yourself, be brief and be clear. In this way, you can be sure that if they refuse to respect what you’re saying it’s not because you didn’t say it clearly, but rather, because they aren’t interested in accommodating your feelings or your needs. And by the way, asking for help is not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign that you’re a normal human being.
You are responsible for your own happiness and fulfillment. If you’re lonely, reach out to people. If you’re bored, start a project. If your life feels empty, do good things for others. Stop blaming your situation or other people for your unhappiness. You have the power to create a better life for yourself right now.
Forgive sometimes, let go always. You don’t have to forgive other people for what they did but you always need to let go. Forgiveness is something that should be earned by the person who wronged you, but you can always let go of your pain and anger so that they don’t get to keep hurting you.
Guilt is a manufactured emotion. It’s not something you’re born with. It’s taught to you by selfish, uncaring people who want to control you so that you do what they want. If you’re consumed by guilt, it could be that you’ve been successfully manipulated by someone else.
You don’t owe your parents anything. They chose to have you and how they treated you will be the deciding factor in your feelings about them and the nature of your relationship with them. For that matter, you don’t owe anyone anything other than basic courtesy and respect and if they’re abusive, you don’t even owe them that.
Intimacy is not a licence for abuse. Just because someone is a romantic partner or a family member, it doesn’t give them the right to hurt you. No-one is allowed to behave hurtfully toward you, regardless of the nature of your relationship.
Face the truth about your abuser. People get killed by their partner or ex-partner because they’re in denial about this person’s capacity for harm. It might be upsetting to acknowledge how dangerous the person you love(d) might be, but it could save your life. Never underestimate an abusive person’s capacity for violent behavior.
Your dysfunctional defense mechanisms will always backfire.  a) Denial, because if you refuse to see something, you’re never empowered to deal with it; b) Magical Thinking, because when you choose to believe that things are the way you wish they were, as opposed to facing the truth about how they actually are, you end up making really bad decisions; c) Avoidance, because when you refuse to deal with something you never solve your problems and you never get the opportunity to build your confidence by doing, learning and accomplishing things, and d) Rigidity, because holding on to counter-productive expectations, beliefs, attitudes and behaviours will keep you stuck in your life and perpetuate your suffering.
Self-love is not egoism and self-care is not selfishness. You are absolutely entitled to both. In fact, it’s your sacred duty to yourself. The narcissists in your life, however, will gaslight you to stop you from loving and caring for yourself.
Healthy confrontation is a good thing. It gives you an opportunity to see how reasonable, respectful and caring the other person is. If you politely tell them that you’re unhappy with something they did or said, and/or if you ask them to do something for you, the way they respond will tell you everything you need to know about them. If they get defensive, deny their actions, minimize your feelings or call you names, they’ve just shown you exactly who they are. If they make excuses for why they “can’t” give you what you need, they’ve just shown you exactly who they are. Anything other than respecting your limits and meeting your needs is evidence that this person is not someone who you should be associating with.

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