Feedback Request

The author of the book whose query was most recently featured here would like feedback on the following version:


Dear Agent,

I hope this message finds you healthy. Based on your interest in Romance and LGBTQ stories, I thought you might be interested in my manuscript, The Glorious Prince.

Fred, a painting prodigy, decides to reveal himself as the secret
admirer of Iraqi-American fratboy, Malek. However, Fred was not
counting on his straight crush being drunk when they meet, nor the car
accident that lands him in the hospital. [Not clear which one lands in the hospital.] The legal aftermath sees Malek forced to make semimonthly visitations to Fred. [All your verbs in this paragraph are present tense except "was" which is past.] [So a judge orders a guy who hospitalized someone else to visit that person regularly? That sounds like a recipe for disaster. A restraining order seems more likely than forcing them together.]

Fred sees a king in Malek and bends spine, neck, and knees, confessing
his urge to serve him. Predicting his discomfort, Fred paints Malek as
the glorious ruler of mythical worlds, and these paintings come to
life in a way his previous works never have. [Bending spine, neck and knees sounds more like what happened to Malek in the car accident. You don't need it. I'm also not sure what "predicting his discomfort" means. I'm guessing you mean "Attempting to overcome Malek's discomfort...." or maybe "Despite Malek's obvious discomfort...." Even this could be misconstrued; is the discomfort physical as Malek recovers in the hospital, or is it Fred's mere presence that makes Malek uncomfortable?]

Malek is flattered by the paintings and starts to enjoy dominating
Fred, but fearing exposure and social ridicule, Malek orders Fred to
trash them. Instead, Fred sells the paintings to pay rent, too proud
to ask his homophobic father for cash. [Move "sells the paintings to pay rent" to the end of the sentence.] [Ordering Fred to trash the paintings is a bit severe when he could just politely ask Fred to add a beard and mustache or a scar and eye patch.]

Not only do the paintings sell, there is demand for more. While Malek
must confront his new feelings toward Fred, Fred must decide between
honoring the trust of his dominant, and the breakthrough of his
career. [It sounds like it's too late too honor the trust, having already broken it, and if the guy can't even afford to pay his rent, it seems like a no-brainer to go with his career and hope to find a new crush next week.]

The novel should appeal to readers of Just a Bit Dirty (Alessandra
Hazard), and Tampa (Alissa Nutting), but with the added elements of
artistry and the Arab immigrant experience. An independent editor
helped polish the novel. [Whoa. I only helped polish the query. I'm not taking the blame for the novel.] Complete at 84,684 words, the book has a(n)
HFN, series potential, and is set in modern Washington, D.C.


Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

I know the answers to some of my comments from having read the previous versions, but the agent won't have seen those versions.