Remembering.

It was at a bar in downtown Austin where I came up with the idea.

Before I could stop myself, I grabbed my iPhone and pulled up Safari. Jazz musicians serenaded us and Russ leaned over, peering over my neck.

“What are you doing, love?”

I pulled up Hostmonster and glanced his way before walking through the steps.

“I’m….I’m buying a domain real quick.”

It took a moment for the idea to land in my chest.
Five minutes to purchase the domain.
And almost a decade to remember.

//

For the rest of the night, I enjoyed the atmosphere but couldn’t stop thinking of the idea. I’d never felt this level of inspiration, how it turns your veins into electric currents. My focus was clear. I knew where I was going.

//

The next few months, I unveiled my project. A friend joined me for a few months and we set up a blog and developed a rhythm and sent out a total of one newsletter before the focus shifted and I found myself restructuring.

I launched an eCourse.

The idea that formed in the back corner of a smoky bar was beginning to morph into something new.

//

I want to pause here and give the very real explanation that sometimes, our ideas grow. Sometimes, the seedlings turn into life that is all-together different than we initially imagined. And this is okay.

Sometimes though, the idea is not what’s changing.
It’s us changing the idea.

//

Over the next few years, I would listen to others instead of myself on what would come next. I grew a community I loved, and felt intense purpose for the first time in my life, but completely forgot about where it began — that small idea that was merely a speck in the bottom of my gut.

Every once in a while it would resurface like a lost memory.

I bet that would really work, I thought. And then just as quickly as it came, it would disappear. I would second guess myself and get lost in the what-ifs. Namely: I really think this is going to work, but what if it failed?

Read: what if I failed?

Then it wasn’t the fear of failing that kept from starting, because I just kept failing. It was the debilitating feeling of being able to get nothing off of the ground.

So I stopped.
I disappeared.

This was so much easier than dealing with the fallout of judgment and criticism.

//

Here’s a secret: I finally gave in to the idea.

Back in November, I told myself it was time to just fucking launch it already. But having launched from my hip with countless offerings, I demanded time.

I made the commitment to launch in 2020. I started building timelines and a plan and even worked on some graphics. I was excited. Ready. I watched the calendar wind down as my inspiration slowly grew.

It was finally happening.

And then January 1, I got sick.
Two weeks later, Russ got sick.
And then Jubal got sick.
And then I got a new role at work.
And then the entire world stopped.

It just got too difficult to carry one more thing. Too full of grief.

Despite all of this, a question kept circling back and rooting itself in my bones: yes, all of this is true. But who are you? And what is it that you were created to do?

I am remembering.

I am taking a breath and starting again.