Parents: Three Motivations to Avoid

As the father of five young children, I live
with an ever-present awareness that my greatest stewardship is my children.
Many men can preach a sermon and more than a few can be a seminary president,
but only one can father these five children.

Thus, my wife and I approach our family with
a profound sense of stewardship and intentionality. As parents, we are
practitioners, but also observers, always seeking to learn and improve in order
to be most faithful.

Over the past decade, I’ve witnessed in
others—and, unfortunately, in myself—three parental motivations to avoid. Like
weeds that force their way through the best-cultivated garden or thickest
concrete, these motivations seem stubborn, always reappearing; resilient,
always resurfacing.

In fact, if I could wish away three parental
motives from my heart, and from others, it would be these: ambition, fear, and
pride.

Parenting
out of Ambition

Parenting out of ambition occurs when we
channel our goals through our children. Mothers do this when they vicariously
cheer through their daughters and fathers do so when they vicariously play
sports through their sons. At a deeper level, this occurs when parents require
of their children a level of commitment and accomplishment they never attained.

Parental ambition drove Hans Luther to deter
his son, Martin, from entering the ministry. Luther’s father desired him to
study law that he might enjoy financial gain and social respect. Had he been
successful, Hans Luther would have deprived the church of one of one of its
greatest gifts and delayed the much needed reformation and revival he brought.

There is a difference between aspiration and
ambition. It is right to have aspirations for our children and to
cultivate in them a healthy sense of ambition. But it is wrong
to channel our ambitions—whether for their lives or our own—on them, especially
when those ambitions are man-centered and not God-centered.

Parenting
out of Fear

Another parental attitude to avoid is fear.
Like ambition, fear appears in many forms. Sometimes it is hyper-safety,
leading parents to avoid contact sports and seek to insulate children from
harm. At other times, it shows up in “helicopter parenting,” remaining in
proximity to our children, helping them make decisions and avoid life’s
dangers.

In bourgeois Christianity it is often fear of
our kids failing in life. The thinking goes, “If my son doesn’t make all As he
might not score well on the SAT, not get into the best college, or find the
best job. He’ll be a failure. He’ll live in my basement and play Xbox for
life.”

My wife and I insist our children wear
seatbelts, and we hold them to rigorous academic standards. But we aim not to
parent out of fear of what they may or may not become. The point is not to be
cavalier, recklessly hoping for God’s kind providence. Rather, we should parent
out of stewardship and love, not fear and doubt.

Parenting
out of Pride

Parenting out of pride is the most
insidious—and injurious—attitude of all. If left unchecked, it will lead us to
value morality over spirituality and cultivate children that are
self-righteous, but know not Christ’s righteousness. Parenting out of pride is
more concerned about man’s evaluation of your parenting than God’s, and more
concerned about man’s opinion of your children than God’s.

Those serving in ministry are especially
susceptible to parenting out of pride. An unhealthy commitment to I Timothy 3,
and a well-ordered house, can cause one to incentivize moral structure to the
oversight of repentance, regeneration, and true submission to Christ’s
Lordship.

Even more disastrously, pride can lead
parents to prod children down the aisle before the gospel has ripened in their
heart. Jesus beckons children to come to him, but he doesn’t beckon parents to
shove them. Lead them to Jesus, yes. Shove them down the aisle, no.

On
the Contrary, Redemptive Parenting

Due to our sin natures, even our best efforts
will remain indecipherably corrupt. But the more one is conscious of a
propensity to err in these directions, the less likely one is to do so.
Gospel-centered parenting focuses on cultivating the heart toward submission to
the Word of God, repentance, godliness, and cherishing the gospel.

Conclusion

Parenting is the most enjoyable and
exhilarating responsibility I know. I feel as though I am getting to create,
invest, sculpt, build, and nurture all at once. It satisfies the pastor,
entrepreneur, teacher, builder, evangelist, and leader within me.

As I do this, I know my supererogative
responsibility is to tend the heart, nurturing my children in the fear and
admonition of the Lord, and teaching them to know, love, and live the gospel.
To make sure their heart is right, I must first nurture my own, and that
includes forsaking ambition, fear, and pride.

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