How To Chase People Away: A Bit of Quarantine Humor
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As much as people are longing to get out and socialize, being quarantined with ‘loved ones’ might cause some distancing problems within the home. If you are feeling too close to those in your own home or friendship group, here is a handy guide for how to get them to back off.
1. Be judgmental, as often as possible! ‘Why would you put that dish in the dishwasher? It still has food on it! That isn’t how it’s done.’ ‘When was the last time you changed pajamas?’ ‘I like you better with short hair.’ ‘Are you going to eat all of that?’ Let people know that you judge everything so that they know that even when you are out of their presence you will still be judging them. Watch TV and comment on every character. ‘She definitely had a boob job.’ ‘He can’t sing, he’s pitchy.’ ‘She calls herself a stylist?’ ‘Someone that weight shouldn’t wear that kind of outfit.’ Eventually move on to the big stuff: ‘Why did you get married anyway?’ ‘What kind of parent does that?’
2. Stay firm in your assurance that you are right. Don’t let damaging a relationship sway you from your certainty. You are not a spouse or a parent, you are an Instructor. It is your job to teach everyone the right way to do everything. Of course you are correct that your child shouldn’t have spilled the syrup and most certainly shouldn’t have tried to clean it up with your sweatshirt and make sure that four year old knows that. Everyone knows the toilet paper should come over the top and don’t let the chance to feel loving and close with your husband stop you from making sure to drive that point home.
3. Use shame as a technique for behavior change. Nothing drives people away faster. Announce transgressions in front of as many people as possible. Social media is great for this!
4. Nagging is another effective tool. Since you are right about everything make sure you let them know that as much as possible. ‘Did you take out the trash? I told you to take out the trash. You need to do it now. I don’t care if you are in the middle of an epic Fortnite battle. I don’t care if you are in the middle of an episode of Tiger King. Hello? Everyone has to pull their weight around here!’ Make sure to keep track of how many times you’ve asked for something and announce that. ‘I have asked you six times to take out the trash!’ People love this.
5. Live a double standard where you expect others to pick up after themselves but leave your own shit all over the place. You deserve a rest. They can step over your piles of clothes, they can clean up your dirty dishes if they bother them so much. They can just move your stack of magazines and books and computer out of the way if they want to eat dinner at the table so badly.
6. Pick an issue or four that are your ‘signature issues.’ Obsess about them for years. Insist on support when you talk about them, even though you are never, ever, going to stand up to that asshole boss/nosy relative/sanctimonious mom in your school/scale. Nothing makes spouses feel closer than having the same advice ignored for twenty years.
7. Feed other people’s insecurities. ‘Have you put on weight?’ ‘Is your hair thinning?’ ‘Isn’t he/she a little out of your league?’ ‘Would you like some Botox for your birthday?’ ‘Do you want me to let you know if your breath smells? Just trying to be helpful.’
8. Use the quarantine to finally implement all the standards you want for your family. Drag people out of their rooms and insist they play family games. Make your teenagers finally learn to cook by scheduling them to cook dinner several times a week. Make sure to pick recipes they wouldn’t eat if someone paid them in social currency. Wake them up and get those rooms cleaned out and organized, you have the time! In fact, give them their entire list of chores the second they wake up – teens especially love being pestered with stuff when barely awake. Make some clever family videos to share on social media so everyone can see what a tight, fun family you are. Pester them until they agree. Get a serious chore list established and implement that sucker with an iron fist. Insist everyone take an online class together.
9. Passive-aggressively announce when you do something right. ‘Look at me! Putting my own dish in the dishwasher!’ ‘Now I’m hanging up my towel! Who knew it was that easy?’ ‘Hey, I just picked up that stack of my shit on the stairs and am carrying it up!’ Make sure to make these comments within hearing distance of the person you are trying to train.
10. Point out all the depressing stuff in the world. ‘They say grilling causes cancer, are you sure you want to eat the burger?’ ‘COVID numbers today are [fill in].’ ‘The economy is tanking.’ ‘Now it will be even harder to get a job/buy a house/find a partner.’ ‘The sea level is rising.’ ’The older you get, the more impossible it is to lose weight.’ ‘There are more tigers in captivity than in the wild now.’ ‘You know your dog is going to die before you, right?’
11. TEXT AND EMAIL ONLY IN CAPS.
12. Insist on watching your shows exactly when you want to. Do not give in to the ‘compromise is the basis of a good relationship’ bullshit.
13. Return calls and emails on your own damn schedule, especially when you can’t sleep at 2:00 a.m. If people are stupid enough to keep their phone turned on and by their bed that isn’t your fault.
14. Play your music LOUD. Even if someone in your house is trying to sleep. They sleep too much anyway.
15. Insist on immediate viewing of the videos you find funny on twitter and FB even if the other person is busy with something. He/she should drop everything they are doing to laugh with you or they don’t love you. Make sure to point that out.
16. In fact set up love tests at least a couple of times a week. ‘If you loved me you’d pick up your shoes/know what I’m thinking/remember I hate rosemary/ask me about my workouts/stop bothering me about my workouts/buy me chocolate cake/stop bringing so many goddamn sweets into the house/open doors for me/respect my equality/turn the radio as soon as We Are the Champions comes on/profess love for every recipe I try no matter how disgusting it turns out/know you cheated on me in my dreams and apologize profusely upon my awakening. In fact, you can make everything a love test.
I’m sure there are many more strategies (and I’d love to hear from other people about their favorites) but these are my Go To’s. The good news is that even if you have driven everyone you know away, once this quarantine is over there will be so many people longing for contact you will have a whole world of people to select your next victims from. (17. And for the grammar specialists in your life, end your sentence with a preposition.)
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