weird time

To be honest, I don’t know what to say here. This is a weird time.

It’s weird time to be a writer. It’s a weird time to be starting a new job. It’s a weird time to have anxiety that’s specifically triggered by disease and public health crises. And it’s definitely a weird time to be all of the above.

And yet here I am. Existing.

I know I should write. I’ve been gearing up for sure, teetering between a couple new projects and writing a sequel to the current book I’m shopping around. And then I had this epiphany that I was going to have a Quarantine Project. Just something fun, for me, that wasn’t about pushing my career forward and I would start and finish it within this little hiatus from society we’re all taking.

I’ve trickled out about a page and a half over two sessions so far. I know I’m rusty. Out-of-practice in that subtle art of hunkering down with a big idea and making substantial leaps in word count. But a lot has to do with how [expletive] sad I am. Sad, like most others I suspect, at the state of the world.

The story takes (would take?) place in the 90s and it’s hard not to wish I was back there. Or to wonder if anything the character does matters because in 20 years a plague is going to put everyone in lockdown.

Another story I want to write takes place in the future, but….what does that future even look like now? How can I imagine life after COVID-19? Will my characters be able to go on a quest? Go to the movies? Meet another character at a diner? Or will whole scenes have to play out over Zoom as they munch on a reheated DoorDash order?

And don’t get me started on the present. I wouldn’t even bother setting a story in today’s timeline. Do I reference the virus? Do all my characters need masks? Or do I write some alternate history fantasy where this never happened. And if I do reference it, do I get into the minutiae of people taking sides and making it political? Do I mention that some people don’t even believe that this virus exists? That some people social distance by only having their *really* good friends over for game night? Will the term “social distance” have to make an appearance in everything I write from now on?

Truthfully, I don’t want to incorporate this virus into any narrative…but how can I ignore it? It’s literally rewriting history as I type this.

A social worker friend of mine told me I need to write about this stuff. To get it out there and acknowledge my fear. That’s probably good advice, but I think most people in her shoes (and most people in general) are operating under hope. Hope that this is just a few weeks or months of new best practices. That it’s just a “weird time” and we’ll all be back to dinner parties by summer. But is that thinking any safer? Is being just baseline sad, hopeless, through this whole thing any worse than being overly-positive that this crisis will end soon? The people treating this like a staycation are the ones I’m worried about. I don’t think they have context for an event like this–but us perpetual worriers? We know what’s up.

This is only beginning here in the US, and we’ve already surpassed where the origin of the virus was after 3 months. China is only starting to get back to new normalcy–and then I read yesterday that some people that finally tested negative for the virus tested positive again. So…WTF?

And I cannot even begin to describe the added chaos of starting a new job right now. You can’t shadow anyone, no hands-on training, your coworkers have never even met you. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very lucky to have a position that I can do from home–my partner was not so lucky–and to work for a company that is taking this crisis very seriously. But onboarding is tough enough under normal pretenses. Tack on that it’s a HIGHLY TECHNICAL position that requires loads of brainpower and bandwidth. And every piece of training material I read is just surface at this point. Deep down, I’m not committing any of it to memory. The world has bigger fish to fry.

Okay, my friend also said I need to pick something I’m grateful for. Oh! The Rise of Skywalker blu-ray is out in the mailbox right now. And once I feel motivated to go get it, and move it into its quarantine pile, and decide on an actual time I feel comfortable that any remnants of the virus living on it are destabilized (even though those numbers seem to change every day) THEN I’m going to have a marathon. The original trilogy on Saturday, the sequel trilogy on Sunday. Maybe Rogue One in between. Piping hot pizza in front of me (if takeout is still deemed safe and delivery is still allowed by then).

*take a breath*
*make sure it wasn’t too short of a breath*
*check for fever*

But I am really excited to see Rise again, and to see it back-to-back with the rest of its trilogy proper. The novelization is out in the garage too. And, despite the other installments being duds, I’m looking forward to reading it. I think Rae Carson is the best thing to happen to Star Wars literature in a long time.

That’s all. I don’t know who will read this, or who the intended audience is even. I wish I could offer you a happier ending but, honestly, I’ve never been known for those. I wish you luck in this apocalypse movie we’re living through. Most of all, I wish you good health. Keep stimulating that economy as best you can. Support local as long as you can. Disinfect everything that comes into your house. Most importantly, stay the F#$% inside! And God help you if you think this will be over by Easter. In a way, I envy you.