Tips for Avoiding the Dork Side

Avoid bragging about your Magic Rocks, no matter how large or how colorful.

 



Never admit that you prefer playing with My Little Pony and Barbie dolls over He-Man and G.I. Joe.

 



Don’t wear your plastic Sea-Monkey necklace to school.

 



If you are perpetually teased and bullied by your classmates, avoid being friends with someone who tells people he lays eggs.

 



Avoid leaving a pair of dirty underpants in the pant leg of your jeans. Otherwise, it might work its way out throughout the course of the day, revealing itself to everyone as you come out of a bathroom with it trailing behind you in all of its white, poop-streaked glory, as one of your tormentors proclaims, “Look! His underwear is hanging out of his pants! And there’s streaks!” Moreover, don’t try to hide said underwear by picking it up and shoving it back down your pants.

 



Don’t stick your arm between two booths at Dairy Queen, unless you want to get it stuck, requiring someone to dismantle an entire booth in order to rescue your arm. Especially don’t do this if a girl you have a crush on is sitting nearby, eating ice cream with her family.

 



Spending summer days cooped up in your basement watching your Lionel train go around in circles while listening to Weird Al Yankovic won’t improve your social life.

 



When going down a waterslide, it’s always a good idea to make sure your bathing suit is fastened properly, lest it fall off and land twenty feet away from where you are left standing, fully nude.

 



Don’t wear a fanny pack. If you do, don’t refer to your fanny pack as your jet propulsion device. And even if you aren’t teased and bullied by your classmates, don’t wear a fanny pack.

 



Don’t boast about going to a New Kids on the Block concert. Bragging that you saw it in a suite will only make it worse.

 



Make sure your mother doesn’t glue fake eyebrows made out of cotton balls to your real eyebrows when you are supposed to dress up as an old man for a school assembly. Otherwise, upon removal of the fake eyebrows, one—and only one—of your real eyebrows might literally come off. You will then be called Bobby Eyebrow for the rest of the school year.

 



Don’t let your classmates see a picture of you dressed up as a cheerleader.

 



Don’t tell your classmates that your mom works for Lifeline (from the infamous “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” commercials), even if she works at a hospital and is responsible for answering Lifeline calls. They will never, ever let it go.

 



If you’re still using training wheels in fourth grade, it’s best not to let your friends see you on your bike. Ever.

 



It’s probably a good idea to end your belief in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny before you reach the sixth grade.

 



Don’t assume that becoming a Bugle Boy model is going to help you gain popularity. Having a wardrobe of one hundred percent Bugle Boy clothes will only lead to being called Bugle Dork.

 



If you have a crush on one of the most popular girls in the school, avoid writing her a note with the question, “Will you go out with me?” followed by two check boxes marked yes and no. She will share said note with all her friends before replying back with a resounding “No!” as she hands your note to you. And the no box will not only be checked off, but highlighted. Being a Bugle Boy model will not help you.

 



Don’t tell your crush that the reason you are sticking the rotating Slimer at the top of your Ghostbusters-themed pen up your nose is because it is a breathing device.

 



Attempting to style your hair like Vanilla Ice or Zack Morris will do nothing to boost your social standing.

 



Don’t let on to your middle school peers that you are scared that fireworks will put a hole in the sky or that Sesame Street characters live inside the air vents of your car.

 



Avoid, at all costs, the temptation to pee your pants while playing in the snow at recess. Especially early recess, when you have to spend the remainder of the day with your pants full of piss. Telling your classmates that you smell funny because of your mom’s new laundry detergent will not fool anyone.

 



If you attempt to fight back against one of your bullies, make sure you make it a direct hit, not a half-assed slap that just barely grazes his cheek. A tiny slap will only lead to more teasing from both your bully and all the witnesses.

 



Digging holes in the dirt beneath the swing set while the rest of your peers are playing sports won’t help you gain popularity. If other classmates join in, don’t refer to yourself as “First Boss” in an effort to establish your turf. You will never be first boss.

 


 

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Published on March 27, 2020 15:58
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