A Message from Uncle Malcolm

At times like this the curtain between the worlds grows thin, allowing us to pick up all sorts of strange frequencies. The following document seems authentic, but what do I know? I’m not an occultist.

“My dear Megan,

In your last letter you mentioned the crisis currently facing the humans. This is an event unprecedented in modern history; no devil can afford to rest on his laurels. It is a prime opportunity to poach souls for Our Father and must be grasped eagerly with both hands.

You made a jejune, one might say sophomoric, comment about indolence. You are only young so I will not hector you. Sloth’s ability to procure new recruits is grossly overestimated. By suggesting your target remains at home and twiddles their thumbs, you are merely parroting the advice given by the halfwits in Westminster. It lacks creativity and finesse.

You are first and foremost a Tempter. Use your influence to put notions in your target’s head. Humans love loopholes; they are all convinced they are special and the rules don’t apply to them. Frame it as reasonably (albeit illogically) as you can: ‘Nobody would get hurt if I got in my vehicle and drove to a remote beauty spot’; ‘If my lover and I live in separate houses and don’t come into contact with anyone, what does it matter if we meet for purposes of fornication?’ Before long they will be breaking quarantine for an array of ludicrous reasons and spreading the virus willy nilly.

A far more promising line of enquiry is the greed many of the vermin are displaying. You have doubtless seen unseemly brawls over lavatory paper and mothers hoarding formula in the erroneous belief their little darling is somehow more precious than countless other snot nosed brats. This is exactly the sort of thing we want, and should be actively encouraged. Never let the idea they are being selfish enter their minds or they may reconsider. Instead assure them it’s a ‘matter of life and death,’ or better still, ‘the survival of the fittest.’ Tell the men they are hunter gatherers and appeal to the primal idiocy within them. The women can imagine they’re domestic goddesses or some other such rot. As an established bachelor I don’t pretend to understand them.

You complained that quarantine offered little scope for sin. My dear niece, what have they been teaching you in Training? Quarantine gives the humans something they think they want - leisure, time with their families - and turns it into a foretaste of Hell. The woman who was whining only weeks ago that she wished she could see more of her husband now realises she despises him. The man who lived for the weekend is bored and frustrated when it’s a home day every day. One’s own children are unbearable no matter what. Trust me, it’s highly entertaining.

Human nature being what it is, they will start looking for someone to blame. Old grievances and grudges will come to the fore. The government is already asking them to snoop on their neighbours - now they can exact revenge on that woman whose dog is always fouling the footpath, or the man who keeps cooking barbecue in his garden. Again, it isn’t done out of spite but because it’s their ‘patriotic duty.’ Should the virus choose that moment to carry them off, it’s a fait accompli.

See this for what it is: potentially thousands of marinading souls, all ours for the eating. You know what you have to do.

Your affectionate uncle,

Malcolm.”