Walls

[image error]

‘I was the one who put food to their table, I was the one who fed them, who nursed them. Me. And what do those little shits give me? Nothing, if I dropped dead tomorrow, they wouldn’t even notice,’ he seems angry, but he’s faking it. I can see the corner of his mouth twitch. It always does when he’s with me.

‘Don’t worry, Don, I’m sure they would, sooner or later, remember, you’re the one who fills their bowls,’ I tell him. He smiles and I’m relieved, I know he wasn’t only talking about the dogs just then and I try to steer clear of such subjects as his past life.

Everyone deserves a choice, by my count, and if his kids don’t wanna know him, that’s just fine. But I don’t think he should be beating himself up over it all that much. Everyone has a choice.

He pats Jackie on the head as the fat Mastiff passes by his master’s leg. ‘He must’ve heard you talking about him,’ I say and I gulp down my tea. Out of the corner of my eye, I’ve seen the clock on the wall, so far up I sometimes doubt Don can read the little numbers anymore. His eyesight’s really been going downhill these past few months. ‘I must get going,’ I say and I take my leave of him.

I will try to come and visit him again soon. Lately, I can barely leave him alone for more than two days. It’s not that he doesn’t manage, but I get these fears that maybe something will happen to him, maybe I’ll come in the door one day and he’ll really be slumped over the dogs’ food.

I don’t know what he’s done in the past, and I don’t much care. Right now, he’s the only friend I’ve got. I remember Mom used to call him a drunk and sometimes even worse. Of course, that was back when he first moved in the apartment above us. For months, she wouldn’t let me out of the house alone, although I was already quite old (at the grand age of twelve, I felt the slap of not being allowed out on my own). She thought something might happen, I don’t know if she ever thought Don could hurt me, she always denied it later on, but back then, I don’t know, people get some funny ideas in their head when they meet someone who reminds ’em of themselves.

Maybe she was just afraid he’d get drunk and tumble down the stairs as I was coming up, breaking my leg in the process.

Funny how it was her who got us together. ‘Cause I hadn’t seen old Don Hoskins in the apartment above for some ten years, but then the funeral happened. Things had to be taken care of, I stayed for a while and Don was the only company I had in those days. So, we bonded, in a way.

He’s been great, he even watched the kids a couple of times. Didn’t drop them on the head or anything, Mom.

But I don’t think he can do that now, so I no longer ask him and when he offers, I tell him we’re fine. And it makes me so sad to do that because I see the question in his eyes, the need. It’s the closest thing he has to grandchildren.

He never came out and told me about his family, at least not directly, only off-handed comments like the one earlier. But I did a little research on my own, you know, not to snoop, it’s just that sometimes, I don’t think he’s very happy. So, I Googled him up and I got two hits, John and Marla and there was no mistaking it, ’cause after all these years, and after all this bitterness, they had their father’s eyes.

Then, I forgot about them, I hate to pry, so I left the past well alone, leaving it up to Don to speak of it if he wanted to. He didn’t.

But then, one day, as I was coming down the stairs into our own kitchen, I heard something and at first, I didn’t know where it came from. For a second I thought I’d gone mad. I thought I was hearing things. It wouldn’t be the first time…

But then I saw my little Carly snuggled between the couch cushions, switching through the channels.

‘Baby, go back please, put on the news.’

And there it was, those same baby blue eyes that somehow got under your skin. And the world seemed to stand still, as if I’d known him all my life. I guess in a way, I had, his ghost had been up there in Don’s apartment for some thirty years.

And now he was gone, blown apart in a car crash that had killed six others, among which his son, his wife and his sister, Marla. They were both dead and I wished the Earth would open up and swallow me whole.

For a moment, I thought it would, I could only feel it shaking under me and I couldn’t see. My eyes, what was happening to my eyes?

It was the strangest thing, I was crouching in my kitchen, crying for two people I’d never met. For the grandson Don would never know.

Oh my God.

Oh God, no.

‘Tell your Dad Mommy had to leave, okay, baby?’ I yelled as I was running through the door and I was halfway inside my car when I heard her mumbled response.

I knocked on his door. Like a maniac, like a demon, although I tried to steady myself. I wouldn’t want to scare him even more. But then I thought it doesn’t really matter.

But there was no answer, nobody came to the door, no steps rang across the wooden creaky boards and my knees got even shakier.

I fumbled in my purse for the spare he’d made me years ago and I pushed my way inside.

Inside the empty apartment, where I’d had so many cups of tea, where my children had played and listened to stories of the old world. And he was nowhere, he wasn’t in the kitchen, he wasn’t slumped over the dog food, as he’d joked so many times. He was just gone.

I patted Jackie and Ruff and hugged them to me. I went to pour them some food and that’s where I found it. Carefully folded, written by hand. He never could get the hang of computers.

I knew sooner or later you’d think to feed them, L, you always had a good soul and I thank you for that. You brought some joy to my last years.

And for a second, I couldn’t read, my crying blurred out the words.

You’ve been an excellent friend and a better daughter than I could hope for. Better than I deserved, that’s for sure. I’ve really enjoyed our time together, but now I must go. I’ve been the echo of a life that should’ve been for too long. I did some bad things in my life, L, terrible even, and now my punishment is clear. I shall wander the Earth, like a ghost…left behind. Please take care of those little bastards for me, will you?

Sometimes I think I see him walking down the street, sometimes he’s in the line behind me at the grocery store. In the corner of my eye, Don Hoskins will always be there.

‘Walls’ was published as part of my short story collection ‘Grimmest Things’. If you enjoyed this, please consider supporting an indie author and purchasing the collection