Middle-class, middle-aged, xennial working mother on parenting, the unequal division of household chores, and books that help

A couple of years ago when I turned 40, I was still getting up several times a night to feed my 4 month old with my 2.5 year old tagging along even in the wee hours of the night. Since having children I've been forced to confront those age old questions that first started plaguing me when I hit puberty: who am I, what is my purpose?

I went from being a person used to a lot of alone time, space and quiet to living with two whirling tornados of bodily fluid and bodily parts that might shriek for no reason other than to see how loud they can be. I've become a comforter, a referee, an activities coordinator, wiper of buggers and butts, and supplier of milk and snacks. There are benefits too. Unexpected giggles, full being hugs, a reason to play, requirement for creativity, need for flexibility and patience etc.

Gone are the hours I could spend thinking about and writing fiction. Gone is the ability to just go do something because I want to do it. Gone are the weekends full of arduous hikes followed by relaxing on the couch. Gone are the nights of only getting up to use the bathroom. Gone is even the guarantee of a hot meal or being the only person occupying my seat.

I struggle to hold onto the hobbies that once brought me so much fulfillment. I try not to let my parenting responsibilities interfere with work. Yet it constantly feels like I'm failing all around.

Don't get me wrong. There are wonderful, heart warming moments that do affirm that I made the right choice in having children. However, I'm often left with this feeling in the pit of my stomach. Discontent? Yearning for an idealized life BK (before kids)? A sense of rage at the disparity in the perceived duties of mothers versus fathers and a growing list of household chores that default to the person in the house, taking care of the kids?

Forcing myself to get out to writing workshops helps. Reading books about all of this helps. Painting helps. Remembering that I am a highly skilled scientific curator with two black belts who has traveled miles helps. Knowing that I'm not alone helps.

Here are some books that I found informative or entertaining and why:

How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn - Being a mother sucks for so many reasons, but if you don't communicate your needs and expectations resentment toward your partner will build and that will harm your relationship.

Becoming by Michelle Obama - Don't be limited by societies expectations of mothers. Stand up for the value of your work and your needs as a mother. If something isn't working, fix it. Don't wait for your husband to be someone he isn't. Use your resources (helps if you have lots of money) to make your life the way you want it to be.

All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership by Darcy Lockman - Feeling like you are working two jobs as a working mother? You are and it sucks for all of us. Society's expectations of parents have evolved, but that only means more to do and most of that falls on mothers. Be proactive in partitioning parental duties and household chores. Step back and require your partner to step up.

The Gardener and the Carpenter: What the New Science of Child Development Tells Us About the Relationship Between Parents and Children by Alison Gopnik - A nerdy examination of the evidence for how children work. Surprise they aren't just small, defective adults. Children are learning machines that take what we know and build on it ensuring the survival of the human race. The role of parents is constantly evolving, but their ultimate function is to provide safe learning environments and let their kids be. Unfortunately, our society is not set up for caring for others (young and old) and letting them learn at their own speed in their own way. And congratulations, if you are a woman, you are going to be expected to both provide and care for others without much support.

Why We Can't Sleep: Women's New Midlife Crisis by Ada Calhoun - Feeling burnt out? Pulled in too many direction by work, parenting, and caring for your parents? Welcome to midlife. The freedoms we gen Xers enjoyed as children came without parental or community safeguards, no wonder we helicopter or have anxieties (or both). Midlife should be a time to redefine your goals in life and prioritize yourself now that your children have left the house, but with many gen Xers having children later in life and often also caring for aging parents.

One Bad Mother (podcast) with Biz and Theresa - This is my tribe, over-worked parents who celebrate their geniuses and fails and rant about the parts of parenting while trying to be a person that truely suck.

So other than burning through Audible credits (because I have no time to sit and read but spend lots of time commuting)?

Shrug.

I'm trying to give voice to when I need help, knowing that no one if going to voluntarily take on more work. I try to prioritize myself and my own interest that make me feel like a person, but often fail. I try to embrace my children for who they are and continue to be amazed at how they see, react, interpret and learn from the world around them. I try to be kind to myself and compliment other parents.

And I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.