Shallon's Rules for Dating: How to Meet a Girlfriend Online

The other week I helped the ladies find love online, and today boys, it's your turn to get a schooling. My theory is that there are only two kinds of guys on Match, eHarmony, JDate, etc–the kind who wants to get laid as much as possible and the kind actually looking for love.

Please, take a moment to decide which kind you are. Go ahead I'll wait. Done? Ok, if you're the hump-and-dump sort, please click the X on your browser and go away because I don't want to help you.

But if you are itching for a wife or serious GF, listen closely. This might not be pleasant, but it will be helpful.

 

1. Pick a Good Username

When I was on Match, I was totally horrified at the kind of usernames guys were choosing. One was PoetryRockStar which is the gayest thing I'd ever heard. Another was Labian19 and I was forced to email him and say "It's probably a bad idea to have the word 'labia' in your username, just FYI."

One boy's was just numbers. You dudes just love numbers, but go easy. Choose, say, Tommy400 over 22_Hi_44_Jake_9987654.

Username: RckOutWitMaCockOut6969696969

 

2. Pick a Good Headline

On Match.com, you get to create a subtitle for your profile, which is incredibly important and incredibly hard. It was often one of the only things I'd look at after deciding that a guy wasn't hideous. And I've seen some doozies, like "I only pee in the shower sometimes" and "I hate dating."

Whenever you do anything online (or ever), ask yourself: "If I saw this on a girl's profile, what would I think?" Good taste knows no gender.

 

Some things are better saved for the second date...or the 1100th.

 

3. Choose Good Picture

I'm shocked I even have to say this, but do NOT post photos of you with other girls, unless she's very obviously related to you. And yes, we can tell when your ex has been cropped out of a picture. Also, it's really great that you climbed that mountain and all but we don't care. You + beanie + sunglasses + far away = WTF do you actually look like? We need to actually see you.

Lie in your pics and she'll order the most expensive wine on the menu

 

4. Be Brief

Brevity is wit. Girls need to know the basics when looking at your profile, and too many guys blabber on about fairly unimportant things. One dude spent 350 words (I checked) talking about his recent trip to India, but didn't bother to put his profession. Women need to know what your profession is.

If you're wondering if your profile is too long, try reading it out loud. If you get bored at the sound of your own voice (typically 150-200 words) you're rambling.

5. Be Bold

Reaching out online is far less scary than walking up to a girl in a bar, so man the F up and go for it. Don't namby-pamby around and wink or "like." Email! Message! Chat! And I hate to break it to you, but we can smell a standardized "Hey I liked your profile. We should meet up sometime" message a mile away.

Lemme guess: 5 virgins?

 

Hate me yet? I realize this makes me sound like some sort of Draconian dating warlord, peering pitilessly down upon the hordes of lonely men, screeching about what they're doing wrong. But I'm seriously not an expert, just observant and bored enough to blog my thoughts.