How To Waste Money
I’m not an expert on a lot. Well, that’s not true exactly. I have three degrees so I must be expert in something but I can’t remember what it is so I’m just going to focus on the thing I seem to be doing really well at these days.
Wasting money. I’m willing to share the details of this skill!
Buy lots of fruits and vegetables. Put them in the refrigerator until you have plastic bags filled with unidentifiable mush. Throw them in the garbage.
Make sure you have shitty wireless so your kids continually turn it off on their phones and use lots of data. And don’t bother with the unlimited data plan, that is too much of a money saver.
Notice your daughter’s room is messy. Go to the Container Store and buy storage containers. Stack them in the garage until you get around to working in her room, which will never happen. Eventually she will go to college at which point no one has the interest or stamina to organize her room. Added benefit of annoying husband every time he tries to clean up garage and you insist you are going to use them.
Send husband to Costco so he can return with gallons of pork rinds, pot stickers, and chopped salad. Eat the first eighth of each. Toss the rest out six months later.
Give birth to picky eaters, thus guaranteeing no one will ever finish leftovers or opened bags of chips.
Stop punishing for milk left out all night, buying more will definitely waste money. In fact, food waste of any kind = money waste.
Don’t put name tags in any clothes, particularly not sweatshirts. Those things practically walk out of the house themselves.
Delay paying bills so that you can accrue finance charges. Credit cards are particularly helpful for this! Get a couple! With some dedicated searching you can find cards with extra high interest rates.
Gift cards! These are the best. Buy gift cards, stick them in a drawer and make sure to never take them with you when visiting the establishments they represent. To waste even more money, buy a cute box or accordion fold envelope to keep them in.
Take picky child to eat at a one price fancy brunch buffet. $49 for two slices of bacon and a cup of OJ will send you to the top of the money wasters!
Always pay the extra money to board the plane three minutes earlier than the rest of the cattle in coach. This will drain money quickly and efficiently.
Never turn down a fund raiser. You could argue these are not money wasters but I’m still waiting on that six pack of wrapping paper an elementary school student sold me ten years ago. The check cleared, the paper never showed up.
Buy the high school’s ‘Value Card’ for local businesses but never actually get the free drink with the six inch sub.
Do your family and friends a favor and never even send out the fundraising emails their football team asked them to send. Instead, donate the required amount yourself. This way, you increase your money wasting AND manage to keep friends and family close.
Buy concert tickets for your busiest time of year (Christmas works well, as does finals week for your kids), then miss the concert.
When visiting prospective colleges, buy a bunch of gear with the name of the school ‘just in case.’ Get something for each person in the family. Thus, when the one college is selected you have effectively wasted hundreds of dollars on gear that your student now would not be caught dead in. Say you are going to donate the gear to someone going to that school but never get around to it. Or if you get around to it, make sure to pick someone who lives far away. Pack it up and send it overnight.
Oh the delights of overnight mail. This is a very efficient way to waste money. Need that women’s soccer jersey in time for the next national team game? Pay $39 for a $15 jersey to be shipped over night.
Send Christmas presents to the east coast! Make sure to buy very big presents as those boxes cost more to send. Don’t even consider the gifts that are small, like jewelry (or gift cards, don’t even think of regifting those, they belong in a drawer). Extra points for items that are large AND oddly shaped.
Plants – ah the many ways to waste money on plants. Cut flowers are a good start, they begin by being dead so will be gone very quickly. You can make your own dead plants at home too – buy houseplants (orchids are a good choice, they tend to be expensive). ‘Forget’ to water them (alternatively, put them in a place with poor sunlight). Notice them a few weeks later, feel bad, throw them out, buy some more. This also works with outdoor plants. The options outside are even better: buy some big beautiful expensive planters. Very decorative. Buy potting soil, enough to fill them. Buy plants in the proper landscaping tradition (thrill, spill, fill: plants big and thrilling, plus some that spill over the sides of the planter, plus some to fill in any remaining space). As with inside plants, fail to water. Bingo! More money wasted.
Buy a car that only uses premium gas. That shit adds up.
Door Dash A LOT. Make sure you know all the restaurants in your area that participate. Let members of the family order individually thus increasing the number of Dashers headed to your house in one night. Individual Dashers also has the added benefit of wasting gas in three separate cars.
It goes without saying, but I’ll say it – leave lights on all over the house. Make sure every electronic is always plugged in (and on!). This is the work horse of money wasting. Run the dryer for one t-shirt. Tell the family towels are one use only (actually, if you have teenagers, they already participate in this program).
Remain disorganized so that you end up re-buying the things you already have but can’t put your finger on. There’s no shame in owning eight pairs of shin guards.
I could go on and on but it’s time for my weekly Costco run. Plenty of food waiting to be bought and wasted! Although given that a self-imposed (or state imposed) quarantine may be coming we might just end up eating all that food anyway.
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