The study

So, one of the things I do to try and earn a little (very little) money is take part in online studies. Most of them are psychological or political in nature, and I believe 99% of them are from American and British universities. They are generally pretty short and pay about $.25 to complete. (I told you it was very little).

Today a study asked me to remember an incident when I felt offended. Although I’m sure I’ve felt offended a lot in my day to day life (we all do!), the occasion that came to mind first was a few years ago. It was a betrayal.

I was asked to write a letter to the person who offended me and really let her have it. Use my anger and resentment, they said. Make her experience MY pain, they said.

This is what I wrote:

***,

I can’t in any way begin to make you experience some of the pain that I have felt because of your latest betrayal. You are beyond having that kind of empathy for me and my experience, and I accept that now. When we were younger and you used to say I was your soulmate, I really thought you understood me better than anyone. Now I realize that you are not a deep person at all. You are a “surface” person who is engrossed in the shallow experiences of life. You don’t mind being angry, confused, in a fight, involved in drama, etc. all of the time. I am nothing like that. How we grew so far apart, I do not really know. I could say it is because our lives were very different, but I think it is just the way we were always going to end up. I think I am sensitive by nature and you are not. This is why I can’t use my resentment to make you feel pain: you simply are not capable of feeling pain in the way that I do. Maybe this is the part I resent about you the most: you have always been able to hurt and betray me and suffer neither the consequences of the loss of a great friendship, nor the feelings of guilt and hurt that I feel at the various ends of our association throughout the years. I admit that since telling you that you were not the kind of friend I needed you to be, there has been a sense of relief. I no longer am waiting for the other shoe to drop when you betray my trust yet again. I wish you all the best, but I like you much better from a distance.

Sincerely,

LHT

I was later asked to write a letter expressing forgiveness to this person, so that I would feel better. Their study explained that people usually do feel better when they accept things, rather than rage about them. 

I told the study that I thought I’d already done that, but now that I re-read my answer, it still sounds pretty angry.

Angry, but…

I do think I accept how different we are from one another. That’s sort of like forgiveness. Maybe I’m just not the forgiving type. Maybe when someone shows me who they are, I believe them. Eventually.

I was asked to rate how angry I still am at this person. It’s been years. I guess that deep down I’m still angry, but I literally never think about it. I only thought about it today because they asked and gave me a quarter.

I could literally not think of any other thing that has offended me, and the fact that the mail carrier in my neighborhood keeps delivering my mail next door and I’m taking my ex back to court are both very real things going on in my life. These things don’t make me feel offended, though.

I guess you can’t be offended if you don’t have expectations. And, damn, did that person set expectations for us. I sound like a bitter ex-girlfriend because that’s what I am, even though the relationship was not romantic. 

I feel things deeply and I am not ashamed.