Malmgrenisms

Those were the days…

Okay, that is an egocentric post title, and not really accurate. These are things I said over and over in the classroom (and on the tennis courts), and I said them in order to achieve a certain effect. It wasn’t always noble, but I’m pretty sure it was mostly affectionate. Malmgrenisms is a misnomer—most of them I stole from other sources. Another word of caution: you couldn’t say them to any kid any time—to a certain kid at a certain time, it could go all wrong. I usually trusted my instincts. A teacher has to trust his instincts.

I said quite a bit: “Can I ask you a personal question?” I suppose in this age of student confidentiality and FERPA, that inquiry is dangerous. More’s the pity. For me, it was a chance to get past the teacher/student wall. If the student said no, I dropped it immediately. It was fun to watch the hesitant ones wonder what I would want to know. For those who said yes, I had several stock replies:

1) “Is it fun being you?” This was not soul-searching. I suspect I only asked those who knew intuitively that it is supposed to be. I meant it not as crisis intervention, but as an invitation to regain your equilibrium.

2) “Do you think it is wrong to lie?” This was mostly playful—to a kid making an excuse or giving a rationalization or sticking exclusively to one point of view.

3) “Did you lose a bet so you have to wear that?” Some kids love to dress outlandishly. Those kids are usually impervious to external judgment. This was my way of messing with them—they usually liked it.

An adjunct to the personal question was: “Can I ask you a moral/ethical question?” This was fun because I was so curious what they would say. Some examples: “If you found a wallet with $100, what would you do?” (Sorry to report, most popular answer was “Take the money and pitch the wallet.”) “If I have a kid who’s failing by 2 or 3 points, but he’s a good kid, is it okay for me to bump up his average to pass?” (Almost unanimous: “Yes, definitely.”) “If your best friend is cheating with your girlfriend/boyfriend, who should tell you?” (Answers clearly divided by gender). “If you won the lottery tonight, one year from now would you be considerably happier than you are right now?” (You couldn’t convince them that they wouldn’t.) I always thought it was healthy to get kids to think about right and wrong and values.

I had a few Bible quotes that I used frequently. My very favorite was Proverbs 21:19—“It is better to live alone in the desert than with a nagging woman.” Yeah, I cringe a little now. By the end of my career, I would change it to “nagging person” and apply it to boys and girls. Honestly, the girls used to fuss much more than the boys did. My other favorite was Proverbs 17:28—“Even a fool appears to be wise if he remains silent.” I would only use that one with smart, mouthy kids.

I had a number of aphorisms that were directed mostly at our tennis team (they also heard many of those listed above). I think the most overused was “It’s not dark yet.” My kids would ask me how much longer until practice was over and I would answer them “It’s not dark yet.” I even played the Bob Dylan song from a boom box while we practiced. And we made a t‑shirt. I used to ask my players “Is your grandmother home?” if they were drifting or said something stupid or threatened to overstep the bounds of decorum. We played the “Over/Under” game a lot: “We will be back in the school parking lot by 10:17 p.m.” (over/under) — “It will be three hours and 15 minutes before your match goes on.” (over/under) — “Your opponent will yell ‘C’mon!’ five times during your match.” (over/under). There was one joke I used numerous times, but the first time was with the adorable David Marbach: I am driving the school bus on I‑10 to Kerrville for a tennis match. Me: “Okay, Dave, as we come over this hill, we’re approaching your future retirement home.” Exit sign: Welfare, Texas. Dave: “Awww, Coach!” Me: (10–15 miles down the road) “Hey, Dave, now we’re getting to my retirement home.” Exit sign: Comfort, Texas. Dave: “Awww, Coach!” Boy, coaching tennis was fun!

I used to tell my students: “Five years from now you will have no recollection of what you made on this test. But you will know if you are an honest person.” It is so hard to have perspective when you are in high school.

I always tried to keep things spontaneous in Creative Writing, but I did have a few principles or ideals of writing that I wanted to communicate to them. When it came to poetry, I used Robert Frost: “Poetry is the impish attempt to paint the wind.” Have you ever heard it defined in a cooler way? In teaching Creative Writing, my emphasis was more on Creative. I didn’t expect many of my students to end up authors, poets, etc. But it is a wonderful thing to realize you are creative. We all are. We need to open up the channels…which leads to my second precept: “Imaginations are like fingerprints—there are no two alike.” But our imaginations are tender—if they get shot down, they pull back. We have to push forward. I think I said this to almost every CW class I ever taught: “If you want to write, you have to develop a strong ego…because you have to believe you have something to say, and you have to be willing to be rejected. “ I have been writing for 45 years and have struggled with both sides of that equation. Now I downplay the ego—you have to have a sense of who you are and a willingness to step out.

I suppose the reason I kept using these “Malmgrenisms” is because they worked. The very best moments in teaching are when you make a connection…and these connections are not just random events. You build them. I think all good teachers know they are teaching character the same time they are teaching their subject. I’m afraid that in this era of test scores and school evaluations, the emphasis is on depersonalizing teacher/student relations. A shame. It’s kind of like the “five years from now test score..” example. Five years from now what are they going to remember more, who you were or what you taught them?

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