The Importance of Speaker, Listener, Tone, and Intent: How To Communicate More Effectively
Probably because we have a President who is as terrible at communicating as Ronald Reagan was (supposedly) great at it, Facebook friends are sharing wise sayings about communication. We're telling each other how many gates (three) our words should go through before we speak them, and we're emphasizing the importance of listening. Of course, when we're in a conversation, we should be both speaking and listening, and if the other person (or people) in the conversation is not obeying the rules for a successful conversation, the communication will fail. If we eliminate the topic of race (see 10/13/19 post), which can be difficult, especially for blacks and whites to discuss, no matter what topic we discuss, no matter our differences in race, gender, generation, religion, class, level of education, etc., we should be able to have a successful conversation if the speaker and listener follow the rules of polite conversation, if the tone of the speaker is appropriate to the conversation and the participants in it, and if the intent of both the speaker and listener is to have a friendly, polite conversation.
If the speakers in a conversation are self-righteous, condescending, know-it-all bullies, there will be fireworks, and feelings will be hurt. We've all encountered people like Trump, who are friendly and kind as long as we agree with them but become abusive and cruel when we disagree. We've also probably encountered listeners who are defensive and overly sensitive, the kind of people Trump and his followers call "snowflakes." If we don't feel like watching what we say, we should avoid them as well. The worst conversations happen between bullies and snowflakes.
One problem I noticed when I started sounding off on social media is that the people reading my posts sometimes misread the tone. I would say something sarcastically, and people would take my comments seriously. I assume that's why Facebook invented the emoji, but even when we talk to people we know, we have to watch our tone. I like to joke and tease, but there are circumstances when that tone is inappropriate. One close friend and I both had to alter our tone when we learned that the circumstances required a more serious response. When I called her to report a tragedy in my life, she started joking as soon as she heard my voice; I did the same when she called to report that she was worried about her daughter's health. That friend and I both enjoy humor, but not everyone does, so we have to adjust our tone to the listener. I try to avoid humorless people, but when I encounter them, I use a more serious tone. I also try to tone down my authoritarian teacher persona when I'm talking to someone who might be intimidated by that tone coming out of the mouth of a mean-looking, dark-skinned, tallish black woman with a baritone voice. I especially try to avoid scaring toddlers and old people. I can tell when my mother doesn't recognize me because she looks scared or starts to shake (instead of laughing) when I tease her about putting her foot on the ground while I'm pushing her in her wheelchair.
Occasionally, I want to intimidate the listener, and then I ramp up my authoritarian persona, lower my voice, and if we're face to face, look even meaner. If I think someone is trying to rip me off or intimidate me, I become Sidney Poitier's "In the Heat of the Night" character: "THEY CALL ME MS. SISNEY!" How successful a conversation is depends as much on the intent of the speaker and listener as on the speaker's tone. If the speaker is trying to inform, entertain, console, or encourage the listener, the conversation is more likely to be successful. If the speaker is trying to intimidate, manipulate, insult (either directly or by throwing shade), or convert the listener, the conversation will probably end badly. Even if the speaker is trying to persuade (which is less intense than convert) the listener, problems may develop, which is why topics like politics and religion can lead to trouble. While the listener's intent might not be quite as important as the speaker's, it matters. If the listener is just hoping to be entertained or informed, the conversation will probably be successful, but if she wants to be complimented, told that she is the best person in the world, she might be disappointed, even hurt, by the conversation. I'm not a fan of people who engage in what I call "fishing for compliments." They might say something negative about themselves, hoping that I will contradict them, or they will brag about themselves, hoping that I will join them. If I recognize what they're doing, they will be dissatisfied with that conversation because I won't give them what they want. Listeners who look for insults and misinterpret what speakers say because they like to be victims are also annoying. I had a fun encounter in the beauty shop with a woman who I diagnosed as being on the Asperger's spectrum because her comments were so potentially insulting. She said that she and I were the same age, older than the beautician, who is in her late forties or early fifties. Because this woman didn't look like she was in her seventies, I was ready to set her straight, letting her know that I was seventy, not in my sixties. Then I learned that she was seventy-two; I suspect most women would have been irritated that a woman in her seventies assumed they were her age. Later, she was looking at me and the beautician, who was finishing cutting my hair, and said, "I like your hair." When I said "thanks," she let me know that she was talking to the beautician, not me. I cracked up; another listener might have been angry. In fact, the next time I was in the beauty shop, I encountered another woman around my age who couldn't stand that woman but agreed with me that she probably was on the Asperger's spectrum.
One reason the might-have-Asperger's woman's comments didn't bother me, besides my recognition of her disability, was because I didn't know her and assumed I wouldn't encounter her often (I go to the beauty shop only twice a year). The conversations most likely to go wrong are ones with people we know, care about, and with whom we have a history. I'm one of those annoying people with very long memories. So if someone hurts my feelings in 2019, I will remember how s/he hurt my feelings in 2000 and tell him/her about it. Ironically, the conversations that are most likely to end in tears or shouting are not with strangers but with close friends or family members. As I said in my Basic Writing textbook, GROWTH THROUGH FICTION, blood is not only thicker than water but messier. Blood can also leave a permanent stain.
Friends and family members need to speak and listen more effectively; they need to watch their tone and their intent to avoid messes and stains.
If the speakers in a conversation are self-righteous, condescending, know-it-all bullies, there will be fireworks, and feelings will be hurt. We've all encountered people like Trump, who are friendly and kind as long as we agree with them but become abusive and cruel when we disagree. We've also probably encountered listeners who are defensive and overly sensitive, the kind of people Trump and his followers call "snowflakes." If we don't feel like watching what we say, we should avoid them as well. The worst conversations happen between bullies and snowflakes.
One problem I noticed when I started sounding off on social media is that the people reading my posts sometimes misread the tone. I would say something sarcastically, and people would take my comments seriously. I assume that's why Facebook invented the emoji, but even when we talk to people we know, we have to watch our tone. I like to joke and tease, but there are circumstances when that tone is inappropriate. One close friend and I both had to alter our tone when we learned that the circumstances required a more serious response. When I called her to report a tragedy in my life, she started joking as soon as she heard my voice; I did the same when she called to report that she was worried about her daughter's health. That friend and I both enjoy humor, but not everyone does, so we have to adjust our tone to the listener. I try to avoid humorless people, but when I encounter them, I use a more serious tone. I also try to tone down my authoritarian teacher persona when I'm talking to someone who might be intimidated by that tone coming out of the mouth of a mean-looking, dark-skinned, tallish black woman with a baritone voice. I especially try to avoid scaring toddlers and old people. I can tell when my mother doesn't recognize me because she looks scared or starts to shake (instead of laughing) when I tease her about putting her foot on the ground while I'm pushing her in her wheelchair.
Occasionally, I want to intimidate the listener, and then I ramp up my authoritarian persona, lower my voice, and if we're face to face, look even meaner. If I think someone is trying to rip me off or intimidate me, I become Sidney Poitier's "In the Heat of the Night" character: "THEY CALL ME MS. SISNEY!" How successful a conversation is depends as much on the intent of the speaker and listener as on the speaker's tone. If the speaker is trying to inform, entertain, console, or encourage the listener, the conversation is more likely to be successful. If the speaker is trying to intimidate, manipulate, insult (either directly or by throwing shade), or convert the listener, the conversation will probably end badly. Even if the speaker is trying to persuade (which is less intense than convert) the listener, problems may develop, which is why topics like politics and religion can lead to trouble. While the listener's intent might not be quite as important as the speaker's, it matters. If the listener is just hoping to be entertained or informed, the conversation will probably be successful, but if she wants to be complimented, told that she is the best person in the world, she might be disappointed, even hurt, by the conversation. I'm not a fan of people who engage in what I call "fishing for compliments." They might say something negative about themselves, hoping that I will contradict them, or they will brag about themselves, hoping that I will join them. If I recognize what they're doing, they will be dissatisfied with that conversation because I won't give them what they want. Listeners who look for insults and misinterpret what speakers say because they like to be victims are also annoying. I had a fun encounter in the beauty shop with a woman who I diagnosed as being on the Asperger's spectrum because her comments were so potentially insulting. She said that she and I were the same age, older than the beautician, who is in her late forties or early fifties. Because this woman didn't look like she was in her seventies, I was ready to set her straight, letting her know that I was seventy, not in my sixties. Then I learned that she was seventy-two; I suspect most women would have been irritated that a woman in her seventies assumed they were her age. Later, she was looking at me and the beautician, who was finishing cutting my hair, and said, "I like your hair." When I said "thanks," she let me know that she was talking to the beautician, not me. I cracked up; another listener might have been angry. In fact, the next time I was in the beauty shop, I encountered another woman around my age who couldn't stand that woman but agreed with me that she probably was on the Asperger's spectrum.
One reason the might-have-Asperger's woman's comments didn't bother me, besides my recognition of her disability, was because I didn't know her and assumed I wouldn't encounter her often (I go to the beauty shop only twice a year). The conversations most likely to go wrong are ones with people we know, care about, and with whom we have a history. I'm one of those annoying people with very long memories. So if someone hurts my feelings in 2019, I will remember how s/he hurt my feelings in 2000 and tell him/her about it. Ironically, the conversations that are most likely to end in tears or shouting are not with strangers but with close friends or family members. As I said in my Basic Writing textbook, GROWTH THROUGH FICTION, blood is not only thicker than water but messier. Blood can also leave a permanent stain.
Friends and family members need to speak and listen more effectively; they need to watch their tone and their intent to avoid messes and stains.
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