The Case for Dry Cereal
Look, I’m the first to admit I’ve held some pretty unpopular beliefs in my time. I don’t want to reproduce, for example, and I very seriously believe that both Brand New and Saves the Day are legitimately good bands with varied and interesting back catalogs. But by far the opinion I harbor which generates the most controversy is the fact that I prefer to eat my cereal dry.
You heard me.
No milk, no water, no I just add a
little bit of milk to each bite so then it doesn’t get soggy.
Fuck that.
Hypocrites. Half measures.
I like
it dry, baby, dry as a bone. The Sahara desert at noon. Death Valley.
The oceans on Mars. An adult woman’s vagina during an episode of
Entourage. D-R-Y DRY.
I’ve always eaten it that way, since I was a kid. I put a bit about it in my first book. I might put a bit about it in my next book too, fuck it, yolo.
To most of you, the
prospect of eating your cereal dry is akin to sliding down a
waterslide dry. It is, quite simply, not done, because A) It isn’t
nearly as fun and B) ouch.
But a case must be
made by those among us, those Titans of Taste and Colossi of Crunch,
who down the dry like there’s no tomorrow, because by eating our
cereal dry, we’ve chosen the road less traveled, and that has made
all the difference.
Dry Cereal is
Crunchy, Every Bite
You hear that? You
in the other room? Yeah. That’s me, crunching away, ten minutes into
my Golden Grahams. While the rest of you engage in a harrowing,
heart-pumping race against time as soon as you pour on that
disgusting udder juice you probably smell tested, I’m sitting here
cool as a cucumber, knowing my next bite will be as crunchtastic as
the last. Speaking of which…
Dry Cereal Ages
Gracefully
Maybe you’re eating
your cereal in the morning and remember ‘Oh shit, I’m late for work!’
No worries, Bill Murrays, just pop another bite into your mouth and
set the ol’ bowl wherever. No need to refrigerate. Don’t bother
tracking down a pyrex. Simply leave it on the counter, then polish
‘er off when you get home. Nom, nom motherfucker, crunchy as ever. Go
on, you deserve it.
Purity of Taste
You’re no dummy.
You’ve tried the lot and chosen your favorite cereal carefully. To
then slosh it over with milk is like choosing an expensive whiskey
and mixing it with coke. The flavor barely comes through. It’s all
the same indistinguishable sugar gloop. Those of us with taste, we’ll
take our cereal neat, thank you much.
Uncompromising
A Cruncher (that’s what we’re called, Crunchers) isn’t one to buy into the milkspiracy. We don’t follow the trends the dairy industry’s sold the rest of you sheeple so blindly, so easily. We’re a different breed. We live by our own rules. You wouldn’t understand. You’re a Milker (that’s what you’re called, Milkers).
In Conclusion
Look, I’m not here to tell you one way of eating cereal is better
than any other.
Wait, yes I am.
That’s exactly what I’m doing.
Fuck it. Milkers are scrubs. You’re disgusting sog socks who probably voted for Gary Johnson. Crunchers 4 lyfe.
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