Don’t Advertise, PADvertise: Catch Readers With Their Pants Down

Book spam is so yesterday.

Seems writers are always looking for some new way to advertise their books, which is fine…but some folks have gone more than a little bit cray-cray. I finally fled Twitter, by and large, because it’s next to impossible to locate real hoo-mans among all the automation. My email has pretty much gone feral as well, but meh.

Today, let’s have some fun at the bots’ expense, shall we?

Okay, any of you who regularly follow my blog know that I am totally out of my mind a bit eccentric. I’m reposting this blog because a) I’ve been flattened with bronchial pneumonia b) I have to travel and c) this post never stops being funny…especially if you’re like me and have the same sense of humor as a fourteen-year-old boy.

This post was inspired when I was speaking in Idaho. I’d excused myself to the ladies’ room and, as I closed the door to the stall, I noticed all the advertising on the back of the bathroom door. This cluttered wall of ads made me think about all the authors spamming non-stop about their books on social media and via email.

Writers were becoming worse than an MLM rep crossed with a Jehovah’s Witness. Could the author book promotion get any more invasive?

Wait…

Maybe it could.

I’ve blogged so many times about the dangers of automation and how spamming people is counterproductive. I’ve talked until I am blue about how the non-stop blitz of advertising our books has a terrible ROI (return on investment) and how most people don’t pay attention to it.

Ah, but then it hit me.

The main reason advertising doesn’t work is because people ignore it and no longer see it, but what would they see?

Go big or go home, people.

Panty Prose—Not Advertising, Padvertising (TM)

We all know that roughly 85% of readers are women, and what do women need? Panty liners. YES, but what do they need more than springtime fresh girl parts? More FREE! books. Indie authors shouldn’t spam about their latest book release or be advertising their free title on KDP select.

Why?

Because when we advertise at the expense of authenticity it’s a dirtbag move? No! Because it’s self-serving and obnoxious? Not quite. Because it smacks of desperation? Not at all. The reason authors shouldn’t spam about their books is because spam is for amateurs.

The business savvy author of the digital age doesn’t settle on blasting out non-stop self-promotional tweets to advertise. That is SO 2014. The REAL writer of the digital age realizes a captive audience is a a buying audience.

This is 2020 people.



Catch readers with their pants down with Panty Prose.

Panty Prose is perfect for the indie author. Most readers are female and even females need something to read in the bathroom. We at Panty Prose (a new imaginary division of W.A.N.A. International) have teamed up with Always against their will to offer your readers the best deals right in their pants.

Seriously…

Advertise smarter.

Panty Prose not only offers you PADvertising to a guaranteed clientele, but we have all kinds of layouts to suit your PADvertising needs. Technology is your friend with Panty Prose. Want to advertise?

Put your book where it counts…

Sell like a pro!

At Panty Prose, we even make it affordable for you to place your face in your reader’s pants…

Affordable packages available SOON!

As you can see, Panty Prose is inserting your ads into a virgin market begging to be tapped.

*blank stare*

Why are all the romance authors giggling? You’re being very distracting.

Anyway, while others might see a protective strip that gets tossed in the bin, we see an unused space to advertise—no to PADvertise—your latest novel AND save trees! Instead of throwing away that paper strip, we can print off lines from your book so fans can collect them ALL…

Make readers your fans for ALWAYS….

Panty Prose is dedicated to keeping women fresh while selling your books. Attending a writing conference? Well, there is a bathroom and everyone knows that even agents can’t hold it forever.

Why not help them out? Keep them springtime fresh and give them your query. Elevator pitches are for losers, when you can use the Panty Pitch. The Panty Pitch comes in three fragrances, Sonnet’s Eve, New Office Supplies, and Cinnabon.

Advertise with the Panty Pitch:

Panty Prose for the Published Professional is a smart, savvy way to advertise and stand out from all the competition that’s still relying on scheduled tweets and blasting out spammy emails. Make an impression that will last for Always.

Much like this post. I’d blame the meds but this is a reblog from years ago.

Advertising, Absurdism & Sometimes You Gotta Just LAUGH

In all fairness, I spent an entire day ‘Photoshopping’ my face onto panty liner strips to make a point—other than all my primary school teachers were correct when they checked, ‘Does Not Use Time Wisely’ on every report card EVER.

We’ve probably all done the dumb stuff because some ‘expert’ said it was a bright idea. I have. I almost named my first social media book, ‘I Did All the Dumb Crap So You Don’t Have To.’ But it was a bit long to try to fit on a cover.

The best way to sell books is to hunker down, and embrace the hurt locker that is our profession and write incredible stories readers will discover then fall in love with. Learning our craft is tough. It’s a long process, but once you start gaining skill and mastery, it’s worth it.

Sure, we can advertise, but that’s really not going to drive sales the way good old fashioned word of mouth will.

Go to this post, On Writing: Why Mastery Should Matter to the Serious Author. I have a LONG list of resources, colleagues I respect, mentors who helped grow me from a primordial ooze of purple prose into the comedic GENIUS unafraid to be on a panty liner to make a point