Where have I been giving others’ expectations too much weight in my own decision-making?
Questions have power! 32 Questions: A Personal Quest Through Questions is my book. This is your invitation to engage with important questions to ask yourself. This week is all about Question #11 in 32 Questions: Where have I been giving others’ expectations too much weight in my own decision-making. Sometimes when I look at a question or phrase I look for the words that stand out. Giving, expectations, weight are the words that caught my eye in this question. Let’s think about these words in order to understand the question a bit deeper. Where have I been GIVING other’s EXPECTATIONS too much WEIGHT in my own decision-making? Giving: Giving means to “freely transfer possession of something to someone; to hand over.” That word “freely” really stands out. Where are we giving others without any cost, OUR decision-making power? Giving can be good. We should all be giving people, but I’m not sure in this context this kind of giving can serve us well. This question asks us to be thoughtful about how we let others influence our decision-making power. In the following Friends, episode Rachel has “given” ALL her decision making to Monica (which Monica was HAPPY to take.) Of course, this is extreme, but it is interesting to watch through the lens of giving others too much weight in our own decision-making process. The part where Rachel tries to “fire” Monica and Monica replies, “you can’t fire me because I make your decisions and I say you can’t fire me.” It is ridiculous and crazy, BUT don’t we sometimes do this? We let other people make decisions and tell us what to value, what to do and we can’t seem to “fire” them. Rachel clearly has complete agency but she acts a little befuddled by Monica’s insistence that she can not be fired. Overplayed, but there is a lesson for us all! Expectations: Expectations are defined as a strong belief that something will happen. Expectations can be powerful things. Sometimes what we expect happens because we MAKE it happen. If our expectations are that people are doing their best for us, we will see that! If our expectations are that people are out to hurt us and harm us, we will always find a way to see how we are being harmed. Expectations are resentments under construction. Anne Lamont Because expectations are so powerful, we should at least be aware of who’s expectations we are following. Weight: Weight (in this context) is to assign importance or significance; influence. Who are you giving weight to? There ARE people that should have weight (significance and influence) in our decision making. Sometimes I have been guilty of giving the wrong people weight and NOT giving those closest to me the weight they should have. A good rule of thumb is giving weight to the people we share a roof with and not giving weight to those outside of our roof. In our culture, only small numbers share a roof. Who is under your roof (real or symbolic)? Who should have weight in your decision making? Where have I been giving others’ expectations too much weight in my own decision-making? The other element of this question that I like is it is about identifying the areas where you are giving others more access and influence in your decision making. It’s a reflective question more than a specific question. This is a PAUSE question. A question that helps move us (yet again) from reactive to responsive. When we identify how we are giving others more weight (influence, impact) than is appropriate we can begin taking back our power. This isn’t an easy, or a comfortable question, but it is an important question. This a question that can help bring freedom in ways we may not even be aware that we need. THAT is always an exciting journey! Enter your email to subscribe– It’s only ever used to notify you of new questions from The Art of Powering Down.
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