Ten Things that Make Me Peevish

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I want to love the world and all of the people. I do. I read Mary Oliver obsessively, and I want to embody that hopefulness and cheeriness and optimism that she brought to life, but reading her I realize, she spent a lot of time alone or at least time free from humans out in the natural world. The time I spend with humans makes me peevish. (Peevish sounds nicer than angry, annoyed, or pissed off; you can decide which word is more accurate at the end of this post.) Recently, I have identified ten things that make me peevish about people. Perhaps this list proves I am a misanthrope, or perhaps it nudges me to love the world and all of the people in it a bit more. Again, you can decide.

Things that make me peevish:

Inability to listen. I continue to be flummoxed by the number of people in the world who just do not listen, thoughtfully and intently, to other people. Listening is a skill and a vital one for learning and being successful in the world. Why are there so many people who cannot listen?
Excessive talking. Sometimes this corresponds with number one, but not always. There are quiet people who do not listen. When the inability to listen corresponds with excessive talking, however, it is a sign to me that here is someone who just is not worth the time and energy.


Lack of interest in other people (often accompanied by an extraordinary interest in one’s self). In some ways, the first two combine to make this one, but I have also encountered people who are truly not interested in other people and just blatantly disregard the humanity present in other people while bolstering their own self worth. How does that happen? How do we build a world where people truly are interested in and care about the lives of other people? I think part of it is listening to others, but I know that is not everything.
Disregard for animals. I get it, animals are not everyone’s cup of tea. I haven’t always been an animal person. I’ve written about not being a dog person (until I became one). I understand people have animal preferences, but when I encounter someone who does not have at least some bit of awe about all living creatures when she or he encounters them, I wonder about their connection to their own humanity. How can you not encounter an animal and not experience some kind of awe and wonder?
Lack of mindfulness about the time and attention of other people. Time and attention are the premium commodity in an information economy. My days are filled with people asking me for my time and attention–and I ask people to give me their time and attention. I try to do it mindfully, to not make assumptions or demands, to do it with respect and care. I am surprised by how many people approach the time and attention of other people with demands, derision, and arrogance.
Inability to imagine the lives and interior operations of other human beings. One of my favorite questions has become, what do you think prompted that person to act in that way / do that thing / make that choice? It is such a great question for interrupting people’s anger or defensiveness. It invites people to imagine themselves as another person and speculate on the reasons for their actions or decisions. Yet, I am surprised by how many people respond with, I have no idea, and then move on, unwilling to even imagine an answer, or worse yet, say, I don’t really care. At that point, I want to say, so you care enough to speak ill of the person but not enough to imagine their life? I do not say that. Yet.
No self-reflexivity. Self-reflexivity is basically self-knowledge. It is the ability to reflect, generally in real time, on one’s own actions, behaviors, ideas, and beliefs. This is a high level human operation, so I always try to temper my expectations on this one. Recently though, I have had conversations in which a person critiques someone else for a lack of self-reflexivity while displaying a similar lack of self-reflexivity. Mind-numbing. I do have a pro tip though for those of us still developing our self-reflexivity (and I happily include myself in this group). When you find yourself critiquing another human being, at the end of your screed, add this line: of course, I think I am especially sensitive to this issue because it is exactly what I am working to improve in myself. The first hundred times you say this line, you may not believe it, but as time passes and you repeat it enough, you might learn more about yourself.
Inability to ask thoughtful questions. Asking thoughtful questions is a part of listening carefully and intently, but it is also a tool to know people in intimate ways. My favorite questions these days are: What do you feel passionate about right now? What has inspired you recently? And my perennial favorite, what have you read recently that filled you with wonder?
Inability to express kindness and gratitude. The more direct way to say this is, people who are selfish, make me peevish. Being selfish often means there are limited expressions of kindness and gratitude. How have you been kind today? How hav enough expressed gratitude?
Not hard working. At the base of everything in my life, there is the belief in hard work. If I see someone working hard, that can override all manner of peevishness. Not listening, but working hard? Fine by me. Not being kind? Not experiencing awe from animals? But working hard? Awesome. Not working hard? Not regarding labor as a method to love the world, as a tool to make your life valid? Watch me shake my head with mild disgust. If you cannot listen, stop talking, show interest in others, hold animals with positive regard, be mindful of people’s time and attention, imagine people’s interior lives, be self-reflexive, ask thoughtful questions, express kindness and gratitude, then at least work hard. If you are doing none of those things, what are you doing?