Feedback Request

The author of the book most recently featured here would like feedback on the following version of the query:


Dear Evil Editor,

I hope this message finds you well. I am writing to pitch my completed LGBT contemporary romance "The Glorious Prince".

Malek, Iraqi-American beefcake and flirtation failure extraordinaire, finds in his university gym locker yet another note from his secret admirer. This time there's a number. After watching his crush, Priscilla, make out with his best friend, Malek storms out of a party and drunk-texts the admirer to meet up.. Fred, struggling painter and smitten submissive, can barely keep himself from running [all but runs] to meet Malek, but arrives to find his fists clenched. Malek pushes Fred away—into the street and a pair of headlights.

In his hospital bed, Fred realizes his chance. Aided by some astonished lawyers, Fred forces Malek to choose between prison and a year of “reconciliation” visits. Prison would ruin his immigrant parents’ hopes in America, so guilt-ridden Malek chooses the visits. On the first visit, Malek is shocked when Fred bends spine, neck, and knees, confessing the urge to be his submissive. Fred knows that Malek will enjoy domination if given a little push, like having his shoes shined, feet massaged, or his shisha pipes prepared. To help Malek see how adored he is, Fred paints him as the epic ruler of fictional worlds, and these paintings come to life in a way his previous works never have.

Though confused and hesitant at first, Malek is flattered by the paintings and enjoys Fred’s service. As he explores his knack for domination, his confidence blossoms. But fearing stigma, Malek orders Fred to trash the paintings. Instead, Fred sells them to pay rent, still fighting with a homophobic father who says he’ll never make it in the art world. Not only do the paintings sell, there is demand for more and talks of a big gallery [showing]. While Malek must confront his new feelings toward Fred, Fred must decide between honoring the trust of his beloved prince, or the breakthrough of his career.

The novel has three POV's, has series potential, and is set in modern Washington, D.C.

I am a Lebanese gay man pursuing doctoral studies in Japan, by day. By night I dominate Japanese men. These and my fantasies about servicing straight men informed the POVs of Malek and Fred. I have been published by The Gay and Lesbian Review, Gayflashfiction.com, Every Day Fiction, haunted Waters Press (contest winner), Good Works Review, and others.

Thank you in advance for your time and kind consideration.


Notes

If you delete the red stuff you'll have a more concise and perhaps better query.

Your last comment in the previous iteration of the query seemed to say you would abandon the car/hospital/contract for my suggestion that Fred simply hire the impoverished Malek as a model. Apparently that didn't work for you?