A Kiddy Decision – an opinionated story about wanting or not wanting kids
It was a rainy evening. I entered Starbucks for a cup of cappuccino. As usual, my body was hungry for the daily dose of caffeine. To my shock, the cafe was jam-packed. Only one pair of seats was unoccupied. I rushed to the table and sat down. Opposite to me, a couple was seated, discussing something regarding their careers and sipping on cappuccinos. I smiled at them and they returned the smile. There was an aura of happiness around them and I admired their ecstatic faces. Two minutes later, a waiter arrived and took my order.
After that, the couple introduced themselves (Vaanya and Nakul) and asked about me. I fell into easy conversation with them.
I asked them, “How long have you been married?”
“Eight years,” replied Vaanya.
I just nodded and flashed a smile. I didn’t want to ask the next question, which would obviously be about kids. I was not that stereotypical person, who saw marriage and kids as the way of settling in life.
“We don’t have kids, by the way,” Nakul quipped in, suddenly.
“Oh, I am so sorry! But I never wanted to ask that question.”
“Why should you be sorry for that? I think I should rephrase Nakul’s sentence. We don’t want kids,” Vaanya said.
They would have expected me to express shock and concern over such modern ideas. But all I did was to tell them that wanting kids is a couple’s choice and it is not an obligation.
“Vaanya, it is perfectly okay to not want kids. I think all couples should talk to each other before marriage, regarding the decision to have kids. If one wants kids and other doesn’t want them, then it is better to part ways. It is not advisable to enter into marriage and have kids forcefully. Also, a couple can arrive on a mutual decision to not have kids and then get married.”
“Yes, Nakul and I stood strong in our decision. We never gave in to pressure, just because our parents wanted to become grandparents. Kids need parents who are completely loving, attentive, caring, and supportive. They wouldn’t want parents who are sulking about their lost dreams and regretting their decision to have reproduced.”
“Perfect observation!” I exclaimed, while the waiter brought my cappuccino. I took a sip of it and continued, “I don’t think couples should set ‘having kids’ as their next milestone. They shouldn’t give in to popular opinions like ‘kids are everything’, ‘kids hold a marriage together’, ‘kids continue your family line’, etc. They should have children only when they deeply desire to bring up an individual and happily watch them grow.”
“That’s true! Vaanya and I want to concentrate only on our careers, goals, travel, and passion. We think that a kid is a huge commitment and we should sacrifice a part of ourselves, which we cannot do. So, we decided not to have kids at all. The society will be judgemental, but our happiness and peace of mind are more important than their opinions,” said Nakul.
“I am so proud of you both. And, I am happy to be acquainted with you. I am on a mission to become friends with people who have liberal thinking and are really outward. Thank you for your time. I really enjoyed this small talk. I have to leave now, as I am going to the hospital. My best friend is eight months pregnant – forgive the irony of it – and she has a scan today. So, she needs me beside her.”
“Okay, Sahana, it was good to talk to you. See you someday!” Vaanya replied.
I left the cafe, after exchanging numbers with the couple. I felt really light and peaceful, after the enlightening conversation.
*****
I met Madhumitha, my best friend, in Hope Maternity Hospital.
“Hey, how’s the little champ inside?” I asked.
“Kicking and moving all the time. I really enjoy this feeling, Sahana,” replied Madhu.
Before I could ask the next question, she was summoned by a nurse and then she was taken to the scanning room.
I fiddled with my phone for a few minutes. A heavily pregnant woman paddled slowly to the seat next to mine and sat on it. I flashed a smile at her and asked, “First baby?”
“Nope, this is the second one. My first one is playing with some children outside.”
Something was really amiss. She wasn’t looking happy, as she spoke about being pregnant for a second time.
“Hey, are you okay? You seem to be in an off-mood. Sorry, if that sounds too personal.”
“No, that’s fine. And, yes, I am not okay. I am not frigging okay with this pregnancy!” She got all tensed and clenched her fists tightly.
“Hey, hey, relax. You shouldn’t get so worked up when you’re pregnant.”
“Why shouldn’t I? I never wanted this pregnancy. I was forced into it. People around me harassed me into conceiving this child.”
I placed my palm on her arm and held it gently. I was afraid that she might have a breakdown, and it would affect her health and also of that unborn child.
She continued, “This system is all fucked up. The woman’s wish must be taken into priority, when it comes to having second baby. If a woman, who wanted to have two kids, changes her mind after giving birth to the first one, the family must respect her decision. It is she who went through the entire pregnancy, the turmoil of labour or C-section, postpartum troubles, and other emotional issues. Why can’t people understand that?”
“I understand you. People should not force a woman to have another kid, telling that if she has gone through it once, she can surely go through it again. It is not for them to decide what she can and what she cannot. If a woman tells that having another baby will affect her mental health, people must respect her. No one would want a mom who is depressed and completely stressed out. Everyone would like a happy mom who can wholeheartedly take care of both the kids.”
“You know, how many of them enforced their old-fashioned opinions on me? Two are best, they said. Having two can teach them to share, sacrifice, and help, they said. I have seen successful and happy single children, who have never felt the need to have a sibling. People even threatened me by telling that if anything happens to this one child, I’ll be left childless. So, if anything happens to one of the two, it’s not a suffering, eh? Anyway, loss is a loss. Those morons never understood anything. They never took my wish and my mental health into consideration. Not even my husband cared about me!”
She was on the verge of tears. My grip on her hand turned tighter.
“Don’t worry. I am not going to tell you anything about how you have to grow motherly instincts, now that you’re pregnant with the second baby. All I will tell is that you should take care of yourself. Love yourself and put your mental health into priority. Start a self-care regime and find happiness within you. This is very important for you to keep the light burning in you. We women are not sacrificial goats. Let the people around you understand that.”
“Thank you! I needed to hear that. I feel better after pouring out my sorrow to you. Actually, you know, this second kid thing is applicable even to a man, who doesn’t want another baby, due to financial issues or other personal reasons. People must respect his decision, too.”
“Yes, a couple should have another baby, only if they both really want one. People shouldn’t pressurize the woman into bearing another child, just because she is a woman and she is supposed to keep reproducing.”
The woman let out a chuckle. I continued, “People shouldn’t judge a couple who don’t want kids and and a woman who doesn’t want a second kid. I am specifying ‘woman’ in the latter, because I have never heard a man being judged for not wanting a second kid. Sadly, patriarchy always wins here. I wonder how many other women in this hospital are pregnant for a second time after being tortured by the people around them. Well, there are some happy faces, too, who are really excited about the second one. But, what about the other women? Sigh!”
Madhumitha came out of the scanning room. She smiled at me and showed me the scan reports. I felt really happy to see the tiny face in the scan. But, no, my motherly instincts were not awakened. I was still the Sahana who didn’t want to marry or have kids. I waved at the seated woman and wished her good health and happiness. After all, I could do only that. I couldn’t turn back time, meet her in the past, ask her to tell ‘no means no’ to the people around her, and maintain her peaceful life. Only if I could that!
Hey, readers! Hope you enjoyed this opinionated tale. All these opinions were posted by me on my social media accounts. But they sounded too preachy and there were too many ‘don’ts‘ in it. So, I converted them into a story form and posted here.
Love,
Kavya Janani. U
