A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE DIET PEPSI ERADICATION SOCIETY

August 20, 1995 – Following the successful
under-the-table payment of kickbacks from local contractors, construction is
completed on the new Oliver Hazard Perry Middle School in Lawrenceville, New
Jersey.

This story is kind of dated (sorry about that) but if you want funnier stories, you can go to Amazon and get the collection.

April 29, 1999 – A new Pepsi machine is installed in Perry
Middle School cafeteria.

August 29, 2002 – Michael Benson, Christopher Kerr, and
Matthew Woodward enter Perry Middle School as sixth-grade students. They are
assigned to the second lunch shift. Unfortunately, they are unable to obtain
seats at the coveted “popular kids” table, and settle for a smaller table over
on the left, between the fat kids and the nerds.

May 10, 2004 – Prompted by an article in Modern Nuisance, interfering busybody Roseanne Bragg begins campaign to have all sugary sodas removed from New Jersey public schools. The Lawrenceville school board caves to Ms. Bragg’s demands in June.

August 1, 2004 – Kerr’s older sister Nicole returns from a
trip to Cancun. Kerr inadvertently sees Nicole hiding a disposable camera under
her bed.

August 31, 2004 – Benson, Kerr, and Woodward enter their
eighth-grade year, and find that the Pepsi machine has been stocked with Diet
Pepsi.

September 9, 2004 – At lunch, Benson expresses the opinion
that Diet Pepsi is “gross”. Kerr concurs, stating that Diet Pepsi is
“repulsive”. Woodward replies by comparing Diet Pepsi to classmate Amanda
Murphy, sparking a spirited discussion. All eventually agree that Diet Pepsi is
more repellent than Brittany Darby, but less loathsome than Jessica Pruitt.

September 10, 2004 – After completing his science homework,
Woodward picks up a copy of Search!,
the official magazine of the Google Pre-Teen Indoctrination Project. He reads
an article that says that “blogs” are the “happening wave of the cyber-future”
and “the free Blogger service is way cool.” Encouraged by the article, Woodward
decides to start a blog. He writes his first entry about how the school board
should put regular Pepsi back in the Pepsi machine.

September 12, 2004 – Woodward tells Benson and Kerr about
his blog, and they judge it to be “awesome.” Woodward invites Benson and Kerr
to write entries for his blog, and they agree to do so. At Kerr’s suggestion,
Woodward changes the name of the blog to the “Diet Pepsi Eradication Society”.

September 14, 2004 – Kerr completes a blog entry, entitled
“The Top Ten Reasons Diet Pepsi is Repulsive”, which includes items such as
“Diet Pepsi is made from vomit” and “Diet Pepsi smells like Megan Greber’s
feet.”

September 16, 2004 – Benson writes a lengthy blog entry,
modeled after the Gettysburg Address. He writes that the “Pepsi machine of the
people, by the people, and for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”

October 8, 2004 – Kerr swipes the disposable camera hidden
under his sister’s bed while she is away at Vassar. The camera has one exposure
left. He takes a picture of the Pepsi machine. He later takes the camera to
CVS, and orders a CD-ROM of the contents instead of getting the prints. Using
the Picasa software, he uploads all the pictures off the CD-ROM to the blog. He
then uses Microsoft Paint to draw a red circle and slash over the picture of
the Pepsi machine, and then, using the bold Comic Sans font, types “Diet Pepsi
Eradication Society” at the bottom of the picture. He never looks at any of the
other files on the CD-ROM, and does not realize that the other pictures he has
posted are topless photos of his sister, taken on her Cancun trip.

October 27, 2004 – A space at the “popular kids table” opens
up after the parents of eighth-grader Joshua Logan finally make good on their
frequent threats and send him to Curtis LeMay Military Academy in Simi Valley,
California. Kerr accepts an invitation to join, leaving Woodward and Benson
behind. Woodward and Benson agree that Kerr is a “girly wussy boy” and a
“stinkytoes butt bandit.”

November 18, 2004 – Woodward completes three line drawings
and uploads them to the blog. One of these drawings features advanced
spaceships firing high-energy weapons on space stations shaped like Diet Pepsi
cans. The second features hobbit Bilbo Baggins urinating on the Diet Pepsi
logo. The third shows the main character from the movie Napoleon Dynamite
force-feeding Diet Pepsi to a llama.

November 28, 2004 – The Philadelphia Eagles defeat the New
York Giants for their eleventh win of the season. Woodward and Benson develop
an interest in the fortunes of the Eagles, and frequently discuss their chances
of making the Super Bowl over lunch. The Diet Pepsi Eradication Society blog is
largely forgotten.

May 27, 2005 – Woodward, Benson and Kerr complete eighth
grade. Benson transfers to a prep school in Princeton. Kerr moves with his
parents to Phoenix. Woodward attends Lawrenceville High School.

November 20, 2014 – Woodward, now an intern with an
investment bank, receives a letter from an Atlanta-based advertising firm,
asking permission to use the Diet Pepsi Eradication Society concept in a
commercial for Coca-Cola Zero. Woodward discusses the proposal with his
girlfriend, who advises him, “Sure, go ahead, do it, if all you want to be in
life is a shill for the Coca-Cola people, who are exploiting kola-nut growers
in Colombia as we speak.” Woodward does not reply to the letter, and the
advertisers develop a new idea for their commercial, featuring talking spider
monkeys.

October 21, 2016 – Kerr, a junior associate with a Los
Angeles entertainment law firm, breaks up with his longtime girlfriend Ashley
Connor as an alternative to spending Thanksgiving with Connor’s family in
Carbondale, Illinois. Connor, a website designer, finds the Diet Pepsi
Eradication Society blog while searching for dirt on Kerr. She copies the blog
to the Google Spam service, where it finds its way into eight billion inboxes
worldwide. As a result, the managing partner at Kerr’s firm later informs him
that he is no longer on the partnership track.

October 24, 2016 – Benson, a noted commercial director, is
set to shoot a Diet Ginger Lime Sierra Mist IV commercial in Toronto, but is
removed from the project after his participation in the Diet Pepsi Eradication
Society is discovered.

November 2, 2018 – Woodward’s wife, Nicole Kerr-Woodward, is
the Gryffindor Party candidate for Congress for the 118th District of New
Jersey. She loses her campaign after a Slytherin Party operative uses Google
Pornography to find the topless photos on the Diet Pepsi Eradication Society
site that were uploaded by her brother Christopher. Woodward’s marriage suffers
severe strains.

November 26, 2018 – Kerr and Benson return to New Jersey for
Thanksgiving. Benson drives to Woodward’s house to confront him about the blog,
only to find Woodward already in a confrontation with Kerr. The three men brawl
in Woodward’s yard, inflicting minor scrapes and injuries, until one of them
starts laughing at the absurdity of the whole thing, and they all join in.

March 1, 2020 – At the Academy Awards in Los Angeles, Benson’s
film, “The Diet Pepsi Eradication Society”, wins the Oscar for Best
Non-Pornographic Short Film. Kerr and Woodward share the award as co-producers.
At the Vanity Fair party, the three cannot find a seat at one of the popular
tables, and settle for a smaller table on the left, over by the documentary
winners and the special effects nerds.