The Fiver | Fifa, Uefa and the Premier League rupturing the space-time continuum

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If you stand looking north-east or south-west anywhere in the English midlands, so one ear points north-west while the other faces south-east, you can probably hear, in perfect stereo, a click, a puff, cascading liquid, and finally two extremely satisfying thuds. Those are the sounds, in the wake of Manchester City and Tottenham Hotspur’s advancement to the knockout stages of Big Cup, of Pep Guardiola and Humility Man™ lighting up a cigar, pouring themselves a large brandy and throwing their boots up on the desk. Job’s done! Wahey! All finished! Now to enjoy Thanksgiving, Christmas and the New Year with nary a care in the world.

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