WAYWARD SON -- THE ANNOTATED PLAYLIST

I haven’t done an annotated playlist since Eleanor & Park. But I’ve been wanting to do one for Wayward Son. I make playlists for all my books as I’m writing. It’s part of my process: I don’t really start a scene or a section until I have the right song for it. Choosing the right song isn’t an exact science. Sometimes the lyrics are important, sometimes they aren’t. The feeling is what’s important.

For the purpose of this post, I linked to live recordings when I could find good ones; they’re more interesting to watch. But you can listen to the playlist with my preferred versions on Spotify.

“A PEARL,” MITSKI

This song sums up Simon so completely in Wayward Son that I didn’t add it to the Spotify playlist until after the book came out. It felt like too much of a spoiler.  Like, I heard this song and thought, “That’s it. That’s book. Why even write it?”

“You’re growing tired of me
You love me so hard, and I still can’t sleep
You’re growing tired of me
And all the things I don’t talk about…”

For me, this song is about how being in love -- even being in love with someone wonderful — doesn’t fix you. It doesn’t erase all your previous damage. It doesn’t transform you from someone who fights into someone who loves.

“It’s just that I fell in love with a war
And nobody told me it ended
And it left a pearl in my head
And I roll it around every night”

Also, trauma, abuse and neglect kind of train you to keep other people at a safe distance. Just letting someone into your physical space can make you panic. So you can have all these “I love you, don’t touch me” feelings when you’re with someone you love.

As Simon describes it — “that static that I usually feel, like what’s happening between us is a building I have to run out of before it collapses on me.”

As Mitski says: 

“Sorry, I don’t want your touch
It’s not that I don’t want you
Sorry, I can’t take your touch…”

Man. This song is so sad. And I’ve listened to it a lot.

“EYES OFF YOU,” BOMBAY BICYCLE CLUB

There’s a ton of Bombay Bicycle Club on my Carry On playlist, and I especially associate them with Baz’s inner voice and vibe. BBC’s lyrics are kind of obscure, so I just take what I want from them. For me, this song is about loving someone you can’t have. 

This is Baz at the beginning of the book, knowing that he’s losing Simon, but not willing to let him go, and still being so glad to have any bit of him. The repetition of “I can’t be sad” and “I can’t take my eyes off you.” But also – “I can’t make you mine.”

“AFRAID OF NOTHING,” SHARON VAN ETTEN

Again, I take what I want from these songs. This is another Baz song for me — though there’s a bit of Penelope in there, too. Both of them looking at Simon and wanting him to let go of all the pain and fear. Because they’re both stuck with Simon. He has to move on, or they have to move on without him. Which they’re so far refusing to do.

“I can't wait
'Til we're afraid
Of nothing
I can't wait
'Til we hide
From nothing
Nothing”

“DON’T STOP BELIEVIN’,” JOURNEY

This is Penelope, sitting on the arm of the couch, trying to enchant some momentum into Simon. AND IT WORKS. (I mean, it really is hard to resist this song.) Early in my writing process, I posted a question on Facebook asking non-Americans what songs remind them of America. This song came up again and again.

“SIM SALA BIM,” FLEET FOXES 

“Sim sala bim” is a phrase like “abracadabra.” Magic words for stage magicians. I like how melancholy this song is, and I like its blurry magickal feeling. This is another Baz song for me. (You’ll see that I was in a very Baz place throughout this book.) This is Baz on the plane to America, looking at Simon and wanting so badly to know what he’s thinking and where he’s gone.

“What makes me love you despite the reservations?
What do I see in your eyes?
Besides my reflection hanging high…”

The last line has a reference to Samson and Delilah. 

“Remember when you had me cut your hair?
Call me Delilah then, I wouldn't care”

And it makes me think of Baz looking at Simon and thinking, “Remember when you made yourself so vulnerable to me? Where are you now?”

“CHICAGO,” SUFJAN STEVENS

I’ve never made sense of a single Sufjan Stevens song. But I’m pretty sure this one is about being young and taking a road trip and messing up. I chose this song because it feels right for the gang leaving Chicago, all of them confused and feeling big things. This is Penelope, crying in the back seat, thinking about how certain she was about all the wrong things: 

“We had our minds set (I made a lot of mistakes)
All things know, all things know (I made a lot of mistakes)
You had to find it (I made a lot of mistakes)
All things go, all things go (I made a lot of mistakes)”

Bonus: Sufjan Stevens performs this song IN WINGS.

“A HORSE WITH NO NAME,” AMERICA

Well, this song perfectly captures the feeling of driving across Iowa and Nebraska. Long stretches with nothing to look at. I find this song really gentle and soothing now, but I hated it when I was a kid. The lyrics drove me crazy. So Simon is soothed by it. And Baz is driven mad. 

“SONSICK,” SAN FERMIN

Is this song about being sunsick? No. It is not. But what if it was? I like this song. And I love the chorus. Which seems to be about keeping your head up and holding on tight to your composure, even when life isn’t giving you what you really want. (One of my favorite things in the world is when people sing as high as they possibly can, and then try to sing higher. That’s the kind of ambition and desperation I can really connect with!)

I think of Baz, genuinely sunsick, looking at Simon and thinking, “I found me a hopeless case, and resolved to love.”

“MIDDLE CYCLONE,” NEKO CASE

This song is mostly Simon’s, with a dash of Penelope (and also every character I’ve ever written). I think it’s about desperately needing love and not being at all equipped to ask for it or receive it.

“I can't give up actin' tough.
It's all that I'm made of.
Can't scrape together quite enough,
To ride the bus,
To the outskirts,
Of the fact that I need love” 

If that isn’t Simon, I don’t know what is. Also, the absolute poetry of that last line. “To ride the bus to the outskirts of the fact that I need love;” I will never ever be over it. This is Simon in the back of Shep’s truck, saying, “I’d give him all that I am. I’d give him all that I was. I’d open up a vein. I’d tie our hearts together, chamber by chamber.”

“I would trade you my empire for ashes.
But I choke it back —
How much I need love.”

“GET OUT THE MAP,” INDIGO GIRLS

There are moments in Wayward Son when Simon and Baz are genuinely happy. (Moments!) This song is for the two of them driving out of Omaha, high on their Ren Faire victory. “Get Out the Map” is such a happy road trip song for me. I listen to it over and over (and over) again in my car.

“I’m gonna clear my head! 
I’m gonna drink that sun!”

The Indigo Girls were some of the very first openly queer people I encountered in culture. (And in life, honestly.) (I saw them seven times in concert in my early 20s.) The fact that they were women singing love songs about other women just blew my mind. It gave every song this extra layer of honesty and courage. I love them. And I love this line. I practically shout it every time it comes around: 

“I’m gonna love you good and strong while our love is good and young!”

“IT’S ALRIGHT NOW,” BOMBAY BICYCLE CLUB


Back to Bombay Bicycle Club, back to Baz. I have no idea what this song is really about. (NONE.) But it’s melancholy and yearning, and it makes me think of someone who isn’t getting what they need from a relationship. But they’re still begging, “Let me be your fortress.” And they keep saying, “It’s all right now.” Even though it probably isn’t.

Baz isn’t getting what he needs or wants. But he’s afraid to lose everything he has.

“Made a plan to be someone,
Mess it up when the moment comes,
Step away, step away, stay numb”

“SUN SHY,” DRESSES

I think this song actually IS about hiding from the sun. Baz and I approve! And maybe it’s also about hiding from the truth:

“Light, it never done much for me,
But lead me down a lonely road,
Hit the lights,
So I can see”

This song is Baz in Utah, just wanting to have a few moments with Simon without dealing with what comes next. 

“WATCH ME,” LABI SIFFRE

I think this is the only straightforward love song on this playlist. For me, this is the song for Simon and Baz at their best, in those moments when they can actually cut through their damage and anxiety to be present for each other. 

“Watch me when you call my name.
See me sparkle, see me flame.
Sing a song, play a game.
Oh, I'm sooooo…
Glad you came.”

(Labi Siffre is a wonderful songwriter who has been openly gay throughout his career. His songs are so tender and earnest. Here is another of my favorites.)

“SINNERMAN,” NINA SIMONE

I have a really hard time writing suspenseful scenes. This song makes me feel hunted and tense. (Which makes sense — it’s about a sinner hiding from God!) I used it to help me write the scenes after Las Vegas. It’s an especially excellent writing song because the mood of it is intense and sustained. That piano just climbs right up my spine.

“THE PARTISAN,” LEONARD COHEN

Okay, so this song and “Sinnerman” are on this playlist because I think Hunt for the Wilderpeople is a perfect movie, and I wanted the chase scenes in Wayward Son to have the same emotional texture as the chase scenes in that film. This song for me is Penelope and Simon marching up the sand dune, certain they’re walking into a trap.

“NOW, NOW,” ST. VINCENT

A rare Agatha song! This is Agatha saying, “I’m not any of the things you want me to be, and maybe I’m not anything good.” This is Agatha in the back seat of the vampire SUV, so tired of everyone using her for their own purposes and ready to set the whole world on fire. 

“I'm not
The pawn to your king.
I'm not
Your world on a string.
I'm not
Anyone you'll beat.
I'm not
Any, any, any, any, any, any, any, anything.” 

“LAWYERS, GUNS AND MONEY,” WARREN ZEVON

I use this song every time I need to write a scene where the shit hits the fan. VAMPIRE MELEE!

“GIVE OUT,” SHARON VAN ETTEN

This song feels like the end of the book to me, with Simon and Baz both knowing they’ve hitched their hearts to each other. And being afraid of what comes next. 

“In my way,
I say,
You're the reason why I'll move to the city,
You’re why I'll need to leave.”  

“HOW SHALL I LOVE THEE,” ROSE POLENZANI

I’m not sure what this song is about. I take the lyrics literally: How will you love someone after they leave you? I really like that phrasing — because you do keep loving someone even after they’re gone. The act of loving them changes when they go, but it doesn’t stop. And you know that. You know that, even as they’re leaving.

This is the song for Simon and Baz on the beach, on the precipice of something devastating.

“Pretend you never laid me down, 
Pretend you never kinged my crown,
Pretend you never left this town.”

“CAN’T FIND MY WAY HOME,” ELLEN MCILWAINE

I open and close this playlist with Simon songs. Simon is so lost and tired at the end of this book, and this song feels so lost and tired — and plaintive.

“But I'm near the end,
And I just ain't got the time.
And I'm wasted,
And I can't find my way home.” 

“CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SON,” KANSAS

As soon as I decided to write a sequel to Carry On, I started joking about calling it “Wayward Son.” And the more that I said “Wayward Son” out loud, the more it seemed ABSOLUTELY PERFECT. “Carry On” came from such a British place — “Keep Calm and Carry On” and “Bohemian Rhapsody.” But the sequel is so American -- and what is more American than Kansas? (Also, this song an excellent thematic fit: The book is about two young men who have lost their mothers, two young men who are hopelessly lost, literally and figuratively. Has anyone ever been more wayward?)

I ended the playlist and the book, knowing that I’d left Simon and Baz and everyone who loves them in a very hard place. This song is saying – it’s not over. Carry on, carry on.