Choosing to Hear Each Other When We’re Hurting
@bethvogt
Get over it.
Those three words just may be my least favorite words. Ever.
Quite honestly, I’ve heard the words more than once in my life. Way too many times. Sometimes they’re disguised in the phrase “Don’t be so sensitive.” Three different words – same intent: Get over it.
A number of years ago, I shared a struggle with a friend – how I was just beginning to face the reality of my abuse. It was one of the first times I chose to say anything. A few halting words. Her response? “I find it best to get over it.”
And that was the end of our conversation.
Most often we hear the counsel to “Get over it” after we’ve shared a hurtful experience with someone. How we’re shattered by abuse. Or betrayal. Or an unjust accusation that cut us to the core because someone we considered our friend spoke the lie.
We’re hoping for comfort. For understanding. It’s not about wallowing, but about having a safe place where we’re heard. A few moments where the burden of our heartache is shared before we shoulder it again.
But instead, we hear, “Get over it.”
Instead of the emotional hug we’re longing for – that we need – we experience a verbal slap across the face.
I asked my friend Wise Guy what he thought about advising people to “Get over it” – and yes, I was honest about how I abhorred the advice.
“Telling someone to ‘Get over it’ is telling her to pretend,” Wise Guy said, “or that she doesn’t matter.”
And that’s the point.
We should never tell a friend to fake it when they’re hurting. To put on a “happy face” and act like everything is okay.
We should never make a friend feel like they don’t matter – especially when they’re struggling with a deep heartache that is causing them to question how they manage the emotional fallout of what happened while they figure out how they heal from it.
I’ll say it again: This is not about wallowing in our pain. But we all deserve the time and space to acknowledge our pain, to process the cause of our pain, and to heal from our wounds.
In our pain, we need to be wise about who we go to for comfort and counsel. Not everyone is going to understand. Not everyone can be there for us and point us to healing. As my husband so wisely pointed out, some people are not equipped to help us, and some people have not healed from their own wounds.
But it’s also important to remember that healing is not accomplished by pretending or by being invalidated.
Healing is not accomplished by pretending or by being invalidated.
I always search for just the right quote to accompany my blog posts and settled on Helen Keller’s words:
“Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.”
Such hope there, isn’t it? That’s what we should offer one another when we’re hurting: hope.
I also found these additional words that spoke truth:
“It’s not the forgetting that heals. It’s remembering.” Amy Greene (1975-), American novelist
“Everybody has losses – it’s unavoidable in life. Sharing our pain is very healing.” Isabel Allende (1942-), Chilean author
“Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Proverbs 16: 24 (NIV)
How do you offer hope to someone who is hurting and ensure that they feel heard?
Choosing to Hear Each Other When We're Hurting http://bit.ly/32N2TZD #listen #relationships
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'Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.' #Quote by Helen Keller http://bit.ly/32N2TZD #perspective #hope
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