Hail the Wicker King!
Actually…you probably shouldn’t hail him. Not unless you really love wicker. Like, really love it. Enough to commit your entire life to its glory. Because the Wicker King is not a very nice dude, and if you say an unkind word about wonderful wicker (the strongest substance known to man, doncha know?), he may make you walk the weave! (A lot worse than it sounds, trust me.)
Why all the Wednesday wicker talk? Simple. It’s because today is the day that Hopeless Harry: To the Wickered Go the Spoils is finally available!
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It’s the fifth and second-to-last Hopeless Harry novella (it would have been the last, but it was getting way too long to handle–that’s what she…well, you know–so it got split up into two episodes). Anyone who has been following along with his adventures so far will know that Harry was in a stickier than usual jam at the end of the last episode, and yet he somehow comes out okay because he’s the Cheesen One (that won’t make sense to anyone not caught up yet, but trust me, it will all become clear).
Just shy of 29,000 words, this is easily the longest Hopeless Harry story yet. His earliest adventures were at the low end of the novella spectrum (around 15-18k), but since they had chapters, I qualified them as short novellas instead of long short stories, or even “novelettes,” since that’s kind of a weird word (rarely used outside of writers’ circles), and I’m sure Harry wouldn’t know what it even meant–it’s best not to confuse Harry lest he become cranky.
I had hoped to finish up with Harry before the end of this year (in fact, before now), but sometimes I can be as hopeless as he is when it comes to getting stuff done. I’ve already started work on the next (last) story and am cautiously optimistic to have it done before the end of the year, but we’ll see. I’m also sneaking in that redesign of the Blood-Dimmed Tide covers, which will probably be the next thing I announce.
But first, in celebration of this new release, the blurb and a few things you can expect:
Don’t you dare close your eyes, because Harry is now in a whole new world (well, universe, really). Everyone’s twelfth or thirteenth favorite imbecilic space adventurer is back, but he’s definitely a little out of sorts this time. Venturing into the unknown to find Maxine Fingus’ sister, Ariane, Hopeless Harry finds that this alternate dimension is quite similar to the one he came from, and yet…just different enough to confuse the heck out of him (though, to be fair, shampoo bottle instructions confuse him—how many times is he supposed to repeat??).
It doesn’t take long before Harry is captured by a band of merciless, wicker-loving pirates. Can Harry escape and reach the distant planet of Ellux Aja where the secrets of Ariane’s location may lie? Can he answer even one question right on the universe’s most popular mobile game show? Can he tell the difference between Renaissance artists and cartoon ninja turtles? Can a blinkobot get a little action? All of these questions will be (sort of) answered in “Hopeless Harry: To the Wickered Go the Spoils”!
This story (like each of the others in the series) contains what some people call “rude humor” and “strong language,” and what others call “dick-and-fart jokes” and “cussin’.” I should stress that this is not the overwhelming tone of the story or series. If you’re just looking for potty humor and four-letter words, you’ll be left wanting most of the time. This is a sci-fi comedy about a likable loser who means well but is kind of an a complete idiot. Most of the jokes focus on how clumsy and stupid he is, on satire/spoof of science fiction tropes and themes, and on references/comparisons to current news, trends and pop culture tidbits. (The volume of the latter seems to increase with each outing; looking back at the early stories recently left me surprised how much the style of humor and storytelling has evolved over the years.) But, yes, sometimes it gets profane and/or raunchy, largely because I enjoy many types of humor, so if something amuses me, I try to find a way to stick it in there somewhere (that obvious double entendre would not have been ignored).
So, I hope you’ll go and check it out (or the earlier episodes first, if needed); heck, you might just enjoy it! Here’s a brief sample from Hopeless Harry: To the Wickered Go the Spoils to whet your appetite:
[Harry and two willowboys–pirate-like servants of the Wicker King–are sitting around a campfire; one of the willowboys is considerably younger than the other, yet they have many similar physical features]
Deciding to change the subject, Harry asked them to share a bit about themselves.
“Not much to tell, really,” said Ector. “Once you fall in with the willowboys, it’s a life of wicker for ya, jinker!”
“Most of us have sad stories to tell,” explained Nast. “That’s what drew us to Wickeropolis, to a wicker way of life.”
“True,” nodded Ector. “I was married once, even had a kid, but it didn’t end well.”
Nast said, “I never knew my family. I was kidnapped by slavers when I was just a little thing…”
Continued Ector, “Slavers ruined my life, too. Killed my wife, took everything else. I’ve spent the last twenty-five years searching for my kidnapped son. Bastards stole him when he was a toddler. I’ll never stop searching.”
Harry glanced between the two very, very similar-looking men, wearing a fittingly solemn expression.
“Never knew my father, my mother,” Nast waxed sadly. “But I’ll always wonder if one or both are still out there.”
“If I just knew my son was alive, if he was okay, I could sleep easy. Not knowing, though…” Ector started to tear up.
Harry’s mouth fell open as a thought occurred to him. “Oh, Space Christ…I-I have something to tell you, a feeling, a suspicion.”
They both said, “What?”
Harry leaned closer. “Something that will change everything for you both. Forever.”
They leaned in as well. “Yes?”
“Your son is obviously dead,” Harry told Ector. “You need to just let it go.” Then he looked at Nast. “And I don’t think your parents love you. If they did, surely they’d have found you by now.”
Ector and Nast slumped back, morose and drained of color.
Harry nodded with a thoughtful purse of his lips. “My work here is done. Better get some shut eye.”
