Power-Saving Mode

I write here to talk about the things I want to talk about because I'm most able to effectively communicate them to myself in this space; if I'm unable to express myself in conversation in a manner that inspires movement towards change of external situation, then the only expression of use is one of self-exploration here.

Amid the madness of the past month or year – dogs' months, years, maybe – a growing fear that I'm losing more of myself, that I'm allowing my values to fall prey to others, again; that selfsame pattern of acquiesence, of compromise. Note: this isn't to say that compromise isn't a good thing – it is; I'm talking about my repeated crossing of the line from compromising to BEING compromised.

It's in doing The Work that I find myself, that I feel mostly at ease with myself, no matter if I manage a word or a thousand. It's the act of doing, of building, something that's mine that carries all meaning for me. To feel that under threat from external forces – and my allowance of those external forces to threaten it – is triggering defense mechanisms and internal cries of battle, of wars needing to be waged, to pull myself back to myself and hold firm to some scintilla of myself before it is subsumed into the quicksand.

I have compromised The Work – and the other value of managing my T1D (I should mention here that yesterday's endocrinologist appointment didn't go that well and I was advised to "watch my stress levels" and to take care of myself... and to get a CGM – again –, which I'm slowly convincing myself isn't a terrible idea, despite insurance not covering it) and thus feel compromised.

Hence, Power-Saving Mode. I've gone into it a few times before, most recently about 10 years ago in an instance of which my closest friend at the time would later remark that he thought I was having a stroke.

But no, it's not a stroke; it's just the turning off of a switch – a switch that, admittedly, has gotten a little rusty over the decade. It's a conscious decision to not let these externals, these unecessary things – family / in-laws, T1D, etc etc, bother me. To simply do what must be done silenty, quietly, and to completion, without rumination or complaint or feeling as though I must be someone I’m not in order to make other people feel better. To simply do my work when I can do my work and to do what needs to be done when it needs to be done.

Come to think: maybe I should just be in this mode all the time. Writing it out makes it appear to be a lot more pleasant than the current clusterfuckstatusquo of the invading hoardes taking pitchforks to my brain and my body. Maybe I left the power on for too long and illuminated the wrong things? Mem., then: when returning to regular operation, shift the light somewhere else. Focus it on things more worthy of illumination...

P.S. This power-saving mode doesn't mean I'm going to stop posting here. I'm most comfortable sharing here, remember, so I'll see you – even if it's just myself – tomorrow.