Perfectly Hidden Depression
What if you’re becoming worried about your son who has finished college and is home living with you. He seems fine, but whenever he comes back from a job interview, he claims that he turned them down. It wasn’t the right fit. After a while you begin to worry and you search online for signs of depression in young people to find:
Little interest or pleasure in doing things
Feeling down, depressed, or hopeless
Trouble falling or staying asleep, or sleeping too much
Feeling tired or having little energy
Relief fills you. No need to worry, your son is exhibiting none of these symptoms.
Or what if you get a call from a neighbor one morning, who through tears gives you the address of the hospital where an ambulance just took your close friend, because she was found lying in bed with an empty fifth of vodka and a half-full bottle of potentially lethal benzodiazepines by her side. If in disbelief, you had immediately googled signs of depression in adults, you might have found the following list that just did not apply to your friend and made you wonder what was really going on.
Sadness or feelings of despair
Unexplained or aggravated aches and pains
Loss of interest in socializing or hobbies
Weight loss or loss of appetite
Feelings of hopelessness or helplessness
Lack of motivation and energy
Sleep disturbances (difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep, oversleeping, or daytime sleepiness)
DEPRESSION THAT IS HARD TO SEE…
But as Margaret Robinson Rutherford writes in her new book: PERFECTLY HIDDEN DEPRESSION—the above list does not always apply, did not describe a friend who Rutherford had been seeing in therapy for anxiety. The friend often told Margaret: “I shouldn’t complain. I have it easy compared with most people.”
But on a morning when the client’s husband called Rutherford saying he was worried about his wife, Rutherford went to the house and found her client in the “vodka” scene described above.
And later, after the EMT’s had taken the woman to the hospital, Rutherford had time to think through other aspects of this frightening situation. In the house she found:
Tidy kitchen, gleaming appliances
Kids photos on the fridge, carefully labeled
Fluffed pillows and knitted throws on the sectional sofa
Empty trash bin
Children’s toys stacked in orderly bins
Impeccable bedroom with no clothing or shoes lying about. No paperwork piled on the desk.
Rutherford writes: “It would’ve been a perfectly neat suicide.”
Her client Natalie’s attempt was a potent wake-up call for family, friends and for Rutherford. She writes: …I learned Natalie had been sexually abused by her grandfather, but she’d never told anyone in her family; she only told me because I directly asked. She was dominated by her parents, especially her mother, who she could never please…Natalie had chosen her current profession as an accountant because her dad was one…She worked in his office, obsessive about the quality of her work…She admitted anger…with her mom, but couldn’t express it. In one session, Natalie smiled at the thought of relaxing or of not trying to be everything to everyone. She laughed, “When am I supposed to have time to do that?”
RUTHERFORD’S BREAKTHROUGH and PHD
Rutherford met with Natalie after she was discharged from the hospital. Rutherford explains in this new book, that as a therapist, she now understood what had become Natalie’s survival strategy: to go on living, Natalie had hidden much of her true self—and that almost led to her death. Rutherford says that helping this patient made her connect that particular case with others, finding more examples of PERFECTLY HIDDEN DEPRESSION.
THERAPY METHODS In therapy with Rutherford, Natalie had much work to do:
Confide in husband Rick the reasons for her struggles
Work through the issues of her childhood, the sexual abuse, the inner critical voice that constantly shamed her
Work toward sobriety, and define boundaries with her mother
Plan to leave her job, get out on her own, change her mind-set which would affect her relationships and her finances; get out on her own and do something she loved.
Natalie’s story has a happy ending. But as Rutherford writes, it’s a familiar story. Basic lists on the internet cannot begin to quantify and explain the complicated processes of depression.
Rutherford ends her Preface with these words: I hope you’ll join me in learning from Natalie’s healing and the healing of others who have worked hard to get off the perfectionistic treadmill they’ve created or that was created for them. It may save your life.
THE FIVE STAGES OF HEALING As you read Rutherford’s book, you will follow the stages of healing for Perfectly Hidden Depression or PHD.
Attain Consciousness “How Could I be Depressed? My Life Looks Perfect”
Make the Commitment “I’m Scared to Be Any Different…What If I Fail?”
Confront Your Rulebook “I’m so Incredibly Hard on Myself”
Connect with Emotional Pain for Healing “It’s Hard for Me to Feel.”
Change Your Focus from Perfection to True Happiness I Want to Risk Self-Acceptance. Where Will My Journey Lead?”
LIVING YOUR TRUE SELF The last two chapters…
Chapter 4 Growing into Your New Imperfect Skin
Chapter 5 Breaking the Silence and Discovering a Happier Life
Thanks for Reading. The Book is available on Amazon. Click here
I have written other posts about Rutherford’s work. Click here to read about depression in men.
