SAFE
SAFE
https://amzn.to/2L1LHbg
Keren Hughes
Prologue
I’ve always been a believer that you have to play the hand you’re dealt in life and, much like in poker, you have to bluff your way through sometimes. Keep your cards close to your chest; never let anyone see what hand you’re playing. I like to think I have a good poker face; that I don’t have a ‘tell’ but those closest to me know I haven’t always had things easy. My ex-fiancé left nearly three and a half years ago, leaving me a single, disabled mother. My son, Caleb, is ten years old and is an absolute Godsend. He’s my raison d'être. The reason I get up in a morning, the reason I keep going even when the going gets tough. Having Caleb has made me a different person. Becoming a mother is the single most defining thing I have ever done; the very best thing I ever did. It’s not been easy, but nothing worthwhile in life is ever easy.
I thought that I wouldn’t cope as a single mother. Thank goodness I’ve managed to prove myself wrong. My son is growing up to be such a wonderful young man. He’s not perfect, but then who is? I know I’m not the image of perfection, inside or out. But it’s not about him being the model of perfection; it’s about him being the very best that he can be, and every day he makes me proud to call myself his mum. He’s a clever boy; does well in school. You only have to hold a conversation with him to know how smart he is. The only drawback is that he can have a tendency to be a bit of a loner. At school he has friends, but he’d rather play on his own or in a small group.
The trouble is his tendency to isolate himself is at an all-time high lately. He’s becoming more withdrawn, and I wonder whether it has anything to do with my ex leaving. He was the only dad Caleb ever knew. His biological dad has never been in the picture, so Caleb doesn’t have a father figure in his life. Is this why his behaviour is changing? Does he need a father figure around? I know I can’t just enter into a relationship to give Caleb what he needs. I need to be with someone because I want to be. But that’s just it. I don’t want to be.
Caleb doesn’t talk about his real dad except to say he’s glad he’s not in his life. He also doesn’t talk about Jensen, my ex. He was Caleb’s father for nearly seven years and, when he left, I chose not to talk about him much because I didn’t want to hurt my son. I look back now and wonder if I did the wrong thing in doing what’s so typical of me; bottling things up. I’ve come to realize that Caleb doesn’t talk about Jensen because he doesn’t want to open up old wounds for me, and I do the same; I don’t talk about him because I think it will be difficult for Caleb to talk about.
I don’t know how to go about it, but I am determined to help Caleb stop closing himself off. I’ve spoken to his teachers and told them that I won’t stand there and make excuses for him, but I think that our family situation is affecting him. They’re keeping an eye on him to make sure he doesn’t completely shut down.
I blame Jensen for never giving us a reason why he left. It was the typical ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ bullshit. He said we needed to talk and yet he didn’t have anything to say. He just ended up packing his bags and going back to live with his parents. The night he left, I told him to be a man about it and, at the very least, he owed Caleb an explanation. How do you tell a six year old that you’re leaving and he’ll never see you again? How do you tell him that he’ll never see his grandparents or aunts and uncles again? He’s not just lost Jensen; he’s lost a whole family. We both did. The words he left Caleb with were, “I don’t want you to ever think this is your fault. I love you. I always have, but I have to go.” That was all he had to say for himself. I told Caleb that it wasn’t his fault and that it was because Jensen just didn’t love me anymore. Why? I didn’t know then and I don’t know now.
Did he go because I was told I’d be permanently disabled and he couldn’t see past that? That was one of my theories. I’ve tried piecing things together so many times over the years, but I will never know the real reason. He wasn’t someone who talked about his feelings; I knew that before we even got together. But after seven years with me, I thought he was opening up more and learning to talk about things instead of bottling it all up.
There could be so many reasons why he left, but the one that sticks out in my mind is my disability. I don’t think he knew how to reconcile the two different versions of me. I was young, carefree and able bodied when we met. Our sex life was better than I’ve ever experienced with any of the men I’ve dated. I might have been pregnant with someone else’s baby when we first got together, but he knew I was pregnant before we even started dating. We were friends before becoming lovers and he was the second person I told about the baby. It never put Jensen off being with me though, and he was with me as Caleb was brought into the world. He was the best father I could have wanted for my son. But then came the other version of me; disabled, left with irreparable nerve damage in my right leg and foot. That meant our sex life suffered as I had to have operations on my spine and, when I was left with nerve damage after the second operation, it affected our sex life to the point where we weren’t exactly intimate for the last year of our relationship. Sex wasn’t possible for me without being in too much pain or my leg cramping up at the most inconvenient times.
Maybe our lack of intimacy is the reason, or at least one of the reasons, why he ended our relationship. I can go round in circles for hours asking myself why Jensen did what he did. Like a dog chasing its tail, I could chase the reason but never actually get it. We tried staying in contact after he left, as I wanted us to stay friends because we’d been such a big part of each other’s lives that I couldn’t possibly conceive us not being friends. But we stopped talking two and a half months after he left when he told me that he couldn’t talk to me anymore because his new girlfriend didn’t like it. They’d been seeing each other for a week and already it mattered most what was fair to her, not what was fair to me and Caleb.
Since then, I’ve become more cynical and guarded. I feel like there’s a piece of my heart missing, so what’s left of it is under lock and key, not to be shown to anyone else. Jensen owns that missing piece and it’s one I can never get back. He can’t even give it back to me. It’s just not possible. When someone has been in your life for so long, they carve out a place in your heart and when they leave, it’s the emotional wounds that are the deepest. They say you can judge how deep a cut is by how long it takes to heal. But sometimes, words leave permanent scars. It’s the scars to your soul that hurt the most.
So now I am a fiercely independent woman who won’t allow any man close to her. I don’t want to put my heart on the line only to have it wounded again. It’s already been through the wood chipper and come out broken and completely useless. I can’t enter another relationship only to have it all fall apart around my ears. Not only would it hurt me, but Caleb too. He’s my priority now, the only man I’ll ever allow entrance to my heart.
Chapter One
Elise
“It’s been three and a half years, Elise. Isn’t it time you braved your fears and got back out there?” Sam asks.
“I’m not sure I know how, Sammie. I mean, it’s harder now. I haven’t been on a date in over ten years. I was with Jensen for so long and he shattered my heart. I didn’t just lose him, I lost a family too.”
I sit back in my armchair and sip at the glass of prosecco I’ve allowed myself, even though I shouldn’t drink much, if at all, because of the tablets I have to take. Sam looks like a goldfish, sitting there opening and shutting her mouth, no sound coming out. We’ve had this conversation so many times; too many to count.
“All I’m saying is that I think you should go on this date and, even if it comes to nothing, at least you’re dipping your toes back in the water.”
Sam’s spent the best part of the last hour trying to convince me to go on a blind date with a guy she knows from work. She’s a nurse at the local hospital and this guy she wants to set me up with is a paramedic.
Apparently he’s so hot he’d ‘melt my panties’. That’s one thing I love about Sam; her sense of humour.
“My toes are pretty happy being on dry land, thank you,” I say as I take a larger gulp of my drink than intended.
I choke a little and Sam’s face brightens as she laughs.
“See, you’re choking. You need a good paramedic on hand.”
I laugh and swat her away with my hand.
“You’re hilarious. Fine! If it will shut you up, I’ll go on this date. But you’re on baby-sitting duty.”
“Sure thing, babe, you know I’ll always look after Caleb for you. He and Josh get on like a house on fire, just like their mums, so he’ll be fine stopping over at ours.”
“I didn’t say anything about stopping over. Do you think I’m going to take this guy to bed on a first date? Or let him go all cave man and drag me back to his for a night of passion?”
Sam looks at me and bursts out laughing, spraying the prosecco that was in her mouth all over my coffee table.
“What’s so funny?” I huff out, trying my hardest not to laugh along with her.
“You! You never know, you might want exactly that. A good fuck to get rid of the cobwebs up there. Plus, like I said, Andrew is pantie-melting hot. I’d totally go there if I wasn’t a happily married woman.”
“Cobwebs? You cheeky bitch!”
We both laugh so hard we have to catch our breath before being able to talk again.
“Look, seriously, Elise, you never know what might happen. Andrew is a genuinely nice guy, well, what I know of him anyway. He hasn’t been at our hospital long; he transferred about two months ago. Go on one date and just see for yourself. Not all men are like Jensen. They don’t all leave. Look at me and Karl.”
“I’ve already agreed to one date, so you don’t have to sell this guy to me anymore. Just tell me when and where to meet him, and I’ll give him one chance.”
“I’ll text him now if you like?” she asks as she whips her phone from her pocket.
“Go on then,” I reply with a forced enthusiasm.
I’m doing this to shut her up. I’m happily single, just me and Caleb. Or at least that’s what I tell myself. If I were to admit the whole truth, I do miss the companionship. The sex too, but mostly I miss having someone there to come home to at the end of the day; someone to cuddle up to, to talk to, to share my life with. But I’ve been so guarded for so long that I don’t know how to let anyone in.
I hear Sam’s phone beep with a reply and she looks up at me with a smile.
“How does Saturday at Olive Grove sound?”
“This Saturday…I didn’t expect it to be that soon…” I sputter.
“He’s keen. You might as well do it sooner than later. There’s less chance of you chickening out.”
“Okay, but he knows about me, right?! About my disability and that I walk with a stick?”
“Yes, he knows. It doesn’t put him off. He’s not that shallow, babe, honestly.”
I’m relieved to hear those words. I’ve tried dating since Jensen left but they’ve ended in disaster, mainly because of my disability. They only see the label, the stigma of it, not the woman behind the stick. So it will be a nice change to meet a guy that can see the real me past the issues I have. Will it be this Andrew guy? I haven’t a clue. But Sam’s words give me something I haven’t felt for some time. Hope.
***
Saturday came quicker than I thought. Now I’m finishing getting ready for my date with Andrew. I have gone through my wardrobe several times and ended up getting Sam to help me choose the right outfit.
I haven’t always had such little confidence in my appearance. I used to be way more comfortable in my own skin. My grandmother used to tell me I was vain because I never left the house without makeup and I never had a hair out of place; it was always styled perfectly. I also had good taste in clothes and loved shoe shopping. Nowadays, I’m more of a jeans a t-shirt kind of girl. I don’t wear dresses or skirts anymore because they show my legs; something I’m more conscious of lately. As for makeup, I don’t really bother with it much anymore unless I’m going out somewhere special, which isn’t often. I can certainly leave the house now without wearing any.
“Seriously, babe, you look great,” Sam says as she finishes applying my makeup.
“Thanks. It’s just nerves, I guess.”
“You have nothing to be nervous of; you’ll knock Andrew’s socks off.”
She steps back to take a look at me and a smile lights up her face.
I turn to look at myself in the full-length mirror on my wardrobe door. A smile graces my own lips as I look at how Sam has styled my hair and applied minimal makeup. She said she was going to ‘enhance what’s already naturally beautiful’. I think she’s done a great job, even if I don’t really agree that I am naturally beautiful.
“What time is it? Do I have time to have a mini freak-out?” I ask as I turn back to face my best friend.
“No, you don’t. Your taxi will be here in about five minutes.”
Andrew had wanted to come and pick me up, but I didn’t like the idea of a stranger knowing where I live. So I had agreed to meet him at Olive Grove.
Caleb walks into my room and gives me the biggest grin before wrapping his arms around me.
“Have a great time, mum,” he says as he pulls away to look up at me.
“I’ll try. You be good for Auntie Sam and Karl.”
“I will, mum, I promise. Josh and I will play Minecraft and probably kill some chickens.”
I chuckle at my boy as I ruffle his gorgeous sandy blond hair. He has a fascination with that game and when he and Josh play it together, they find it funny to kill chickens and then put them in the furnace to cook.
A car horn beeps, indicating the arrival of my taxi. Nerves pool in my stomach as I look at my reflection one last time.
The restaurant is busy but not full to capacity as I arrive. I look around, unsure what Andrew looks like. I look at each guy I see from my place at the bar. I’m slightly earlier than we planned to meet. I’m always early or on time; I can’t stand being late. I order my drink as the barman walks to serve me. I need something stronger to calm my nerves, but I’m being good and only drinking wine.
I know that Andrew has told Sam he’ll be wearing a grey shirt and black trousers and I know he has brown hair with a slight salt and pepper look by his temples. I keep my eyes fixed on the door as I slowly drink my white wine spritzer.
A face I never imagined seeing again makes me nearly spill my drink all down myself. I thought he was off travelling the world and didn’t put two and two together when Sam told me his name was Andrew and he was a paramedic. Sam couldn’t possibly have known we knew each other. She never got to meet him back then, because we were only a ‘no-strings’ arrangement. I’m finding it hard to take a breath. Surely it’s a coincidence and he isn’t really my date?
Looking at what he’s wearing, I find that it has to be him. He hasn’t changed much, really. Sure, he’s older, but then so am I. He’s just as handsome as I remember. Seeing him looking around for someone, I know the instant his eyes land on me. Like a magnet, our eyes are drawn to each other’s and he holds my gaze as a bright smile graces those soft, full lips. In that moment, I am pulled back to the memory of the night we met.
“I have to get going, Nat. Thanks for a great night.”
“Don’t go yet, the party isn’t over.”
“We’ve seen all the gorgeous underwear that Bella brought with her, we’ve drunk far too much wine. How is the party not over?”
Nat had invited me to an Ann Summers party being held in her flat; the flat above the one I once shared with my ex, Dave. We’d become good friends when Dave and I had moved in and I was damned if the two of us splitting up would get in the way of me staying friends with Nat and her husband, Rich.
“Well, I’ve text the boys and they’re on their way round.”
“Oh.”
Rich had gone round to a friend’s flat in the block next to ours. His friend was having a poker night for the boys to get them out from under our feet while we played party games, checked out sexy lingerie and got drunk whilst investigating the sex toys Bella had brought along.
It’s been a good laugh, despite me being out of my comfort zone. Underwear parties really aren’t my thing, but that didn’t stop me from buying some of the things Bella had on offer. For whom, I don’t know, considering I’m newly single.
Dave recently decided to go back to his wife and kids, even though we’ve been together for two years, and I thought he was happy with me.
“Stay a little longer, please?” she asks as the front door opens and the boys come in laughing.
One of the guys catches my eye, so I find myself agreeing to stay. My god, he’s breathtakingly handsome. Dark hair, slim build, his eyes twinkle as he laughs at something Rich said.
I look at his ass as he passes me by. Wow. If there’s one thing I like about a man, it’s a great ass and this guy sure has one of the nicest I’ve laid eyes on in a while.
We drink and laugh some more, but I start to feel a little sick, so Nat takes me to her bedroom. The guy I was checking out follows us and asks if I’m okay.
“I’m fine. I should just head back downstairs. I’m a tad tipsy,” I respond as I look at his beautiful hazel eyes. They have flecks of gold in them and I find that I can’t look away.
“Stay here and I’ll grab you a glass of water,” Nat says as she leaves the room, leaving me alone with Mr Tall Dark and Definitely Handsome. Oh, so handsome.
I drink the water Nat brings and we stay in her room chatting, just the three of us.
“I’m Drew, by the way,” Mr Handsome says.
“I’m Elise, pleased to meet you.”
I smile down at him as he crouches at the foot of the bed. He smiles back and I see beauty in his slightly crooked smile. His eyes seem to shine; maybe it’s the light in the room or maybe it’s because of the alcohol I’ve consumed. Either way, I can’t look away from his steady gaze.
We chat a while longer before I tell them I really must go.
“Don’t I get a kiss goodbye?” I ask Drew cheekily as I sway slightly on my feet.
I feel those soft, full lips press down over mine and I melt into his arms. In the movies they talk about ‘foot-popping kisses’ and I’ve always thought it was a made up thing until now. His tongue probes my mouth and I get lost in his kiss. Our tongues dance together and I suddenly feel less drunk than I did before. There’s a clarity that comes with this kiss.
“Do you know what time it is?” Dave asks as I enter our flat. I say’ ours’, but really it’s just a place he’s staying until he moves back in with his family in a couple of months’ time.
“Does it look like I care? Who are you, my dad?” I reply, my tone dripping with its usual sarcasm.
“You’re drunk,” he states, his voice laced with spite.
“Again, are you my dad? No! So get off my back. You know where I’ve been. I was at Nat and Rich’s, you know, the flat above us. It’s not like I was far away.”
I’m really tired and all I want to do is go to bed. I don’t even know why I let Dave talk me into staying the night. I live with my grandmother now after us splitting up. But as I was coming to a party at Nat’s, he asked me if I wanted to stay and the part of me that still loved him made me agree. But now I’m regretting my decision.
“I’m going to bed,” I say as I open the bedroom door and begin to take off my shoes.
My phone beeps, indicating an incoming message. I open it and see it’s from Drew.
Drew: Goodnight Gorgeous. Thanks for the kiss. I really hope we get to do that again soon.
I smile to myself as I close my stupid flip phone and continue undressing.
“What the hell is this?” Dave demands as I slide into bed.
I look over at him and see my phone in his hand.
“What the hell? You’re going through my phone now?”
I’m suddenly angry and I feel my blood boiling as I look at his face, his features marred with anger.
“I asked what the hell this is?” he spits at me.
I sit bolt upright in bed and try to rein in my own anger.
“It’s my phone. Are you stupid?”
“I mean the message on it. Who is Drew?”
“That’s absolutely none of your business. You and I are no longer together. You’re going back to Tracey, so why shouldn’t I be moving on?” I seethe, my fists clenching the sheets.
“Because you’re still sleeping with me.”
His face is blood red and I have a feeling mine is the same.
“You and I have had sex a couple of times since we split up, but the fact remains that I am single. I’m not discussing this with you. Goodnight.”
I lie back on the bed seconds before I hear something clatter against the wall. I look over and see it’s my phone. I reach over for it and plug it in to charge on the bedside table next to me. I’ll be surprised if it’s still working in the morning with how hard he threw it, but I’ll deal with that tomorrow. Right now, I’m too tired to care.
As I’m drifting off, I feel Dave lie on the bed next to me. I feel my anger begin to dissipate as sleep takes me away.
***
Shaking myself out of the memory, I look at Drew and see him move in my direction. How the hell is he here? How is it possible that he’s my date?
“Elise,” my name is a mere whisper from his lips.
“Drew…long time no see…how are you?”
I feel myself getting more anxious by the second. I’ve suffered with anxiety since 2012 but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let it get in my way tonight.
“I’m good. How are you? You’re looking well.”
“I am well, thank you. It’s been so long since I last saw you. Last I knew, you were renting out your flat and going travelling. Did you do that? Did you finally go travelling like you always wanted?”
I’m beginning to ramble, something I typically do when I’m nervous, but also when I’m getting anxious. But I also find myself wanting to know what he’s been up to since 2005 when we last saw each other. Twelve years have passed and I realize I know only the Drew of old, not the man sitting next to me at the bar. This version of him still oozes confidence and sex appeal, just like he always did. But there’s something different about him and I can’t put my finger on what.
“I did. Shall we find a table and I’ll tell you anything you want to know?” he asks as he steps down from his stool and offers me his hand.
I place my hand in his and instantly feel a crackling like electricity in my veins. We always had great chemistry, but I had to go and ruin it all. Now he’s here and I don’t know what will happen after tonight, so I’m going to make the most of it while I can.
https://amzn.to/2L1LHbg
Keren Hughes
Prologue
I’ve always been a believer that you have to play the hand you’re dealt in life and, much like in poker, you have to bluff your way through sometimes. Keep your cards close to your chest; never let anyone see what hand you’re playing. I like to think I have a good poker face; that I don’t have a ‘tell’ but those closest to me know I haven’t always had things easy. My ex-fiancé left nearly three and a half years ago, leaving me a single, disabled mother. My son, Caleb, is ten years old and is an absolute Godsend. He’s my raison d'être. The reason I get up in a morning, the reason I keep going even when the going gets tough. Having Caleb has made me a different person. Becoming a mother is the single most defining thing I have ever done; the very best thing I ever did. It’s not been easy, but nothing worthwhile in life is ever easy.
I thought that I wouldn’t cope as a single mother. Thank goodness I’ve managed to prove myself wrong. My son is growing up to be such a wonderful young man. He’s not perfect, but then who is? I know I’m not the image of perfection, inside or out. But it’s not about him being the model of perfection; it’s about him being the very best that he can be, and every day he makes me proud to call myself his mum. He’s a clever boy; does well in school. You only have to hold a conversation with him to know how smart he is. The only drawback is that he can have a tendency to be a bit of a loner. At school he has friends, but he’d rather play on his own or in a small group.
The trouble is his tendency to isolate himself is at an all-time high lately. He’s becoming more withdrawn, and I wonder whether it has anything to do with my ex leaving. He was the only dad Caleb ever knew. His biological dad has never been in the picture, so Caleb doesn’t have a father figure in his life. Is this why his behaviour is changing? Does he need a father figure around? I know I can’t just enter into a relationship to give Caleb what he needs. I need to be with someone because I want to be. But that’s just it. I don’t want to be.
Caleb doesn’t talk about his real dad except to say he’s glad he’s not in his life. He also doesn’t talk about Jensen, my ex. He was Caleb’s father for nearly seven years and, when he left, I chose not to talk about him much because I didn’t want to hurt my son. I look back now and wonder if I did the wrong thing in doing what’s so typical of me; bottling things up. I’ve come to realize that Caleb doesn’t talk about Jensen because he doesn’t want to open up old wounds for me, and I do the same; I don’t talk about him because I think it will be difficult for Caleb to talk about.
I don’t know how to go about it, but I am determined to help Caleb stop closing himself off. I’ve spoken to his teachers and told them that I won’t stand there and make excuses for him, but I think that our family situation is affecting him. They’re keeping an eye on him to make sure he doesn’t completely shut down.
I blame Jensen for never giving us a reason why he left. It was the typical ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ bullshit. He said we needed to talk and yet he didn’t have anything to say. He just ended up packing his bags and going back to live with his parents. The night he left, I told him to be a man about it and, at the very least, he owed Caleb an explanation. How do you tell a six year old that you’re leaving and he’ll never see you again? How do you tell him that he’ll never see his grandparents or aunts and uncles again? He’s not just lost Jensen; he’s lost a whole family. We both did. The words he left Caleb with were, “I don’t want you to ever think this is your fault. I love you. I always have, but I have to go.” That was all he had to say for himself. I told Caleb that it wasn’t his fault and that it was because Jensen just didn’t love me anymore. Why? I didn’t know then and I don’t know now.
Did he go because I was told I’d be permanently disabled and he couldn’t see past that? That was one of my theories. I’ve tried piecing things together so many times over the years, but I will never know the real reason. He wasn’t someone who talked about his feelings; I knew that before we even got together. But after seven years with me, I thought he was opening up more and learning to talk about things instead of bottling it all up.
There could be so many reasons why he left, but the one that sticks out in my mind is my disability. I don’t think he knew how to reconcile the two different versions of me. I was young, carefree and able bodied when we met. Our sex life was better than I’ve ever experienced with any of the men I’ve dated. I might have been pregnant with someone else’s baby when we first got together, but he knew I was pregnant before we even started dating. We were friends before becoming lovers and he was the second person I told about the baby. It never put Jensen off being with me though, and he was with me as Caleb was brought into the world. He was the best father I could have wanted for my son. But then came the other version of me; disabled, left with irreparable nerve damage in my right leg and foot. That meant our sex life suffered as I had to have operations on my spine and, when I was left with nerve damage after the second operation, it affected our sex life to the point where we weren’t exactly intimate for the last year of our relationship. Sex wasn’t possible for me without being in too much pain or my leg cramping up at the most inconvenient times.
Maybe our lack of intimacy is the reason, or at least one of the reasons, why he ended our relationship. I can go round in circles for hours asking myself why Jensen did what he did. Like a dog chasing its tail, I could chase the reason but never actually get it. We tried staying in contact after he left, as I wanted us to stay friends because we’d been such a big part of each other’s lives that I couldn’t possibly conceive us not being friends. But we stopped talking two and a half months after he left when he told me that he couldn’t talk to me anymore because his new girlfriend didn’t like it. They’d been seeing each other for a week and already it mattered most what was fair to her, not what was fair to me and Caleb.
Since then, I’ve become more cynical and guarded. I feel like there’s a piece of my heart missing, so what’s left of it is under lock and key, not to be shown to anyone else. Jensen owns that missing piece and it’s one I can never get back. He can’t even give it back to me. It’s just not possible. When someone has been in your life for so long, they carve out a place in your heart and when they leave, it’s the emotional wounds that are the deepest. They say you can judge how deep a cut is by how long it takes to heal. But sometimes, words leave permanent scars. It’s the scars to your soul that hurt the most.
So now I am a fiercely independent woman who won’t allow any man close to her. I don’t want to put my heart on the line only to have it wounded again. It’s already been through the wood chipper and come out broken and completely useless. I can’t enter another relationship only to have it all fall apart around my ears. Not only would it hurt me, but Caleb too. He’s my priority now, the only man I’ll ever allow entrance to my heart.
Chapter One
Elise
“It’s been three and a half years, Elise. Isn’t it time you braved your fears and got back out there?” Sam asks.
“I’m not sure I know how, Sammie. I mean, it’s harder now. I haven’t been on a date in over ten years. I was with Jensen for so long and he shattered my heart. I didn’t just lose him, I lost a family too.”
I sit back in my armchair and sip at the glass of prosecco I’ve allowed myself, even though I shouldn’t drink much, if at all, because of the tablets I have to take. Sam looks like a goldfish, sitting there opening and shutting her mouth, no sound coming out. We’ve had this conversation so many times; too many to count.
“All I’m saying is that I think you should go on this date and, even if it comes to nothing, at least you’re dipping your toes back in the water.”
Sam’s spent the best part of the last hour trying to convince me to go on a blind date with a guy she knows from work. She’s a nurse at the local hospital and this guy she wants to set me up with is a paramedic.
Apparently he’s so hot he’d ‘melt my panties’. That’s one thing I love about Sam; her sense of humour.
“My toes are pretty happy being on dry land, thank you,” I say as I take a larger gulp of my drink than intended.
I choke a little and Sam’s face brightens as she laughs.
“See, you’re choking. You need a good paramedic on hand.”
I laugh and swat her away with my hand.
“You’re hilarious. Fine! If it will shut you up, I’ll go on this date. But you’re on baby-sitting duty.”
“Sure thing, babe, you know I’ll always look after Caleb for you. He and Josh get on like a house on fire, just like their mums, so he’ll be fine stopping over at ours.”
“I didn’t say anything about stopping over. Do you think I’m going to take this guy to bed on a first date? Or let him go all cave man and drag me back to his for a night of passion?”
Sam looks at me and bursts out laughing, spraying the prosecco that was in her mouth all over my coffee table.
“What’s so funny?” I huff out, trying my hardest not to laugh along with her.
“You! You never know, you might want exactly that. A good fuck to get rid of the cobwebs up there. Plus, like I said, Andrew is pantie-melting hot. I’d totally go there if I wasn’t a happily married woman.”
“Cobwebs? You cheeky bitch!”
We both laugh so hard we have to catch our breath before being able to talk again.
“Look, seriously, Elise, you never know what might happen. Andrew is a genuinely nice guy, well, what I know of him anyway. He hasn’t been at our hospital long; he transferred about two months ago. Go on one date and just see for yourself. Not all men are like Jensen. They don’t all leave. Look at me and Karl.”
“I’ve already agreed to one date, so you don’t have to sell this guy to me anymore. Just tell me when and where to meet him, and I’ll give him one chance.”
“I’ll text him now if you like?” she asks as she whips her phone from her pocket.
“Go on then,” I reply with a forced enthusiasm.
I’m doing this to shut her up. I’m happily single, just me and Caleb. Or at least that’s what I tell myself. If I were to admit the whole truth, I do miss the companionship. The sex too, but mostly I miss having someone there to come home to at the end of the day; someone to cuddle up to, to talk to, to share my life with. But I’ve been so guarded for so long that I don’t know how to let anyone in.
I hear Sam’s phone beep with a reply and she looks up at me with a smile.
“How does Saturday at Olive Grove sound?”
“This Saturday…I didn’t expect it to be that soon…” I sputter.
“He’s keen. You might as well do it sooner than later. There’s less chance of you chickening out.”
“Okay, but he knows about me, right?! About my disability and that I walk with a stick?”
“Yes, he knows. It doesn’t put him off. He’s not that shallow, babe, honestly.”
I’m relieved to hear those words. I’ve tried dating since Jensen left but they’ve ended in disaster, mainly because of my disability. They only see the label, the stigma of it, not the woman behind the stick. So it will be a nice change to meet a guy that can see the real me past the issues I have. Will it be this Andrew guy? I haven’t a clue. But Sam’s words give me something I haven’t felt for some time. Hope.
***
Saturday came quicker than I thought. Now I’m finishing getting ready for my date with Andrew. I have gone through my wardrobe several times and ended up getting Sam to help me choose the right outfit.
I haven’t always had such little confidence in my appearance. I used to be way more comfortable in my own skin. My grandmother used to tell me I was vain because I never left the house without makeup and I never had a hair out of place; it was always styled perfectly. I also had good taste in clothes and loved shoe shopping. Nowadays, I’m more of a jeans a t-shirt kind of girl. I don’t wear dresses or skirts anymore because they show my legs; something I’m more conscious of lately. As for makeup, I don’t really bother with it much anymore unless I’m going out somewhere special, which isn’t often. I can certainly leave the house now without wearing any.
“Seriously, babe, you look great,” Sam says as she finishes applying my makeup.
“Thanks. It’s just nerves, I guess.”
“You have nothing to be nervous of; you’ll knock Andrew’s socks off.”
She steps back to take a look at me and a smile lights up her face.
I turn to look at myself in the full-length mirror on my wardrobe door. A smile graces my own lips as I look at how Sam has styled my hair and applied minimal makeup. She said she was going to ‘enhance what’s already naturally beautiful’. I think she’s done a great job, even if I don’t really agree that I am naturally beautiful.
“What time is it? Do I have time to have a mini freak-out?” I ask as I turn back to face my best friend.
“No, you don’t. Your taxi will be here in about five minutes.”
Andrew had wanted to come and pick me up, but I didn’t like the idea of a stranger knowing where I live. So I had agreed to meet him at Olive Grove.
Caleb walks into my room and gives me the biggest grin before wrapping his arms around me.
“Have a great time, mum,” he says as he pulls away to look up at me.
“I’ll try. You be good for Auntie Sam and Karl.”
“I will, mum, I promise. Josh and I will play Minecraft and probably kill some chickens.”
I chuckle at my boy as I ruffle his gorgeous sandy blond hair. He has a fascination with that game and when he and Josh play it together, they find it funny to kill chickens and then put them in the furnace to cook.
A car horn beeps, indicating the arrival of my taxi. Nerves pool in my stomach as I look at my reflection one last time.
The restaurant is busy but not full to capacity as I arrive. I look around, unsure what Andrew looks like. I look at each guy I see from my place at the bar. I’m slightly earlier than we planned to meet. I’m always early or on time; I can’t stand being late. I order my drink as the barman walks to serve me. I need something stronger to calm my nerves, but I’m being good and only drinking wine.
I know that Andrew has told Sam he’ll be wearing a grey shirt and black trousers and I know he has brown hair with a slight salt and pepper look by his temples. I keep my eyes fixed on the door as I slowly drink my white wine spritzer.
A face I never imagined seeing again makes me nearly spill my drink all down myself. I thought he was off travelling the world and didn’t put two and two together when Sam told me his name was Andrew and he was a paramedic. Sam couldn’t possibly have known we knew each other. She never got to meet him back then, because we were only a ‘no-strings’ arrangement. I’m finding it hard to take a breath. Surely it’s a coincidence and he isn’t really my date?
Looking at what he’s wearing, I find that it has to be him. He hasn’t changed much, really. Sure, he’s older, but then so am I. He’s just as handsome as I remember. Seeing him looking around for someone, I know the instant his eyes land on me. Like a magnet, our eyes are drawn to each other’s and he holds my gaze as a bright smile graces those soft, full lips. In that moment, I am pulled back to the memory of the night we met.
“I have to get going, Nat. Thanks for a great night.”
“Don’t go yet, the party isn’t over.”
“We’ve seen all the gorgeous underwear that Bella brought with her, we’ve drunk far too much wine. How is the party not over?”
Nat had invited me to an Ann Summers party being held in her flat; the flat above the one I once shared with my ex, Dave. We’d become good friends when Dave and I had moved in and I was damned if the two of us splitting up would get in the way of me staying friends with Nat and her husband, Rich.
“Well, I’ve text the boys and they’re on their way round.”
“Oh.”
Rich had gone round to a friend’s flat in the block next to ours. His friend was having a poker night for the boys to get them out from under our feet while we played party games, checked out sexy lingerie and got drunk whilst investigating the sex toys Bella had brought along.
It’s been a good laugh, despite me being out of my comfort zone. Underwear parties really aren’t my thing, but that didn’t stop me from buying some of the things Bella had on offer. For whom, I don’t know, considering I’m newly single.
Dave recently decided to go back to his wife and kids, even though we’ve been together for two years, and I thought he was happy with me.
“Stay a little longer, please?” she asks as the front door opens and the boys come in laughing.
One of the guys catches my eye, so I find myself agreeing to stay. My god, he’s breathtakingly handsome. Dark hair, slim build, his eyes twinkle as he laughs at something Rich said.
I look at his ass as he passes me by. Wow. If there’s one thing I like about a man, it’s a great ass and this guy sure has one of the nicest I’ve laid eyes on in a while.
We drink and laugh some more, but I start to feel a little sick, so Nat takes me to her bedroom. The guy I was checking out follows us and asks if I’m okay.
“I’m fine. I should just head back downstairs. I’m a tad tipsy,” I respond as I look at his beautiful hazel eyes. They have flecks of gold in them and I find that I can’t look away.
“Stay here and I’ll grab you a glass of water,” Nat says as she leaves the room, leaving me alone with Mr Tall Dark and Definitely Handsome. Oh, so handsome.
I drink the water Nat brings and we stay in her room chatting, just the three of us.
“I’m Drew, by the way,” Mr Handsome says.
“I’m Elise, pleased to meet you.”
I smile down at him as he crouches at the foot of the bed. He smiles back and I see beauty in his slightly crooked smile. His eyes seem to shine; maybe it’s the light in the room or maybe it’s because of the alcohol I’ve consumed. Either way, I can’t look away from his steady gaze.
We chat a while longer before I tell them I really must go.
“Don’t I get a kiss goodbye?” I ask Drew cheekily as I sway slightly on my feet.
I feel those soft, full lips press down over mine and I melt into his arms. In the movies they talk about ‘foot-popping kisses’ and I’ve always thought it was a made up thing until now. His tongue probes my mouth and I get lost in his kiss. Our tongues dance together and I suddenly feel less drunk than I did before. There’s a clarity that comes with this kiss.
“Do you know what time it is?” Dave asks as I enter our flat. I say’ ours’, but really it’s just a place he’s staying until he moves back in with his family in a couple of months’ time.
“Does it look like I care? Who are you, my dad?” I reply, my tone dripping with its usual sarcasm.
“You’re drunk,” he states, his voice laced with spite.
“Again, are you my dad? No! So get off my back. You know where I’ve been. I was at Nat and Rich’s, you know, the flat above us. It’s not like I was far away.”
I’m really tired and all I want to do is go to bed. I don’t even know why I let Dave talk me into staying the night. I live with my grandmother now after us splitting up. But as I was coming to a party at Nat’s, he asked me if I wanted to stay and the part of me that still loved him made me agree. But now I’m regretting my decision.
“I’m going to bed,” I say as I open the bedroom door and begin to take off my shoes.
My phone beeps, indicating an incoming message. I open it and see it’s from Drew.
Drew: Goodnight Gorgeous. Thanks for the kiss. I really hope we get to do that again soon.
I smile to myself as I close my stupid flip phone and continue undressing.
“What the hell is this?” Dave demands as I slide into bed.
I look over at him and see my phone in his hand.
“What the hell? You’re going through my phone now?”
I’m suddenly angry and I feel my blood boiling as I look at his face, his features marred with anger.
“I asked what the hell this is?” he spits at me.
I sit bolt upright in bed and try to rein in my own anger.
“It’s my phone. Are you stupid?”
“I mean the message on it. Who is Drew?”
“That’s absolutely none of your business. You and I are no longer together. You’re going back to Tracey, so why shouldn’t I be moving on?” I seethe, my fists clenching the sheets.
“Because you’re still sleeping with me.”
His face is blood red and I have a feeling mine is the same.
“You and I have had sex a couple of times since we split up, but the fact remains that I am single. I’m not discussing this with you. Goodnight.”
I lie back on the bed seconds before I hear something clatter against the wall. I look over and see it’s my phone. I reach over for it and plug it in to charge on the bedside table next to me. I’ll be surprised if it’s still working in the morning with how hard he threw it, but I’ll deal with that tomorrow. Right now, I’m too tired to care.
As I’m drifting off, I feel Dave lie on the bed next to me. I feel my anger begin to dissipate as sleep takes me away.
***
Shaking myself out of the memory, I look at Drew and see him move in my direction. How the hell is he here? How is it possible that he’s my date?
“Elise,” my name is a mere whisper from his lips.
“Drew…long time no see…how are you?”
I feel myself getting more anxious by the second. I’ve suffered with anxiety since 2012 but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let it get in my way tonight.
“I’m good. How are you? You’re looking well.”
“I am well, thank you. It’s been so long since I last saw you. Last I knew, you were renting out your flat and going travelling. Did you do that? Did you finally go travelling like you always wanted?”
I’m beginning to ramble, something I typically do when I’m nervous, but also when I’m getting anxious. But I also find myself wanting to know what he’s been up to since 2005 when we last saw each other. Twelve years have passed and I realize I know only the Drew of old, not the man sitting next to me at the bar. This version of him still oozes confidence and sex appeal, just like he always did. But there’s something different about him and I can’t put my finger on what.
“I did. Shall we find a table and I’ll tell you anything you want to know?” he asks as he steps down from his stool and offers me his hand.
I place my hand in his and instantly feel a crackling like electricity in my veins. We always had great chemistry, but I had to go and ruin it all. Now he’s here and I don’t know what will happen after tonight, so I’m going to make the most of it while I can.
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